Don’t be eating that Chipotle thinkin’ this time, the outcome would be different. Wake up, Felicia!
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Just got a message from the powers-that-be, and that shit had lots of grammatical and spelling errors. Seriously? They don’t even have time to get their shit together to let you know how fabulous your week is going to be? And that’s the thing, little lady. Your week will be full of fabulous surprises that you run the risk on O.D.-ing on F.A. B. And by the way, it looks like your ex is in town. You should really put up a sign on your front door saying, “For the 100th time, I don’t have any drugs.”
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
What you’re seeing are the initial fruits of your labor in terms of your new career endeavor. You’re ready to piss your pants and tell everyone about it, but you’re afraid that to them, your minute accomplishments will be anything but awesome. Could it be that this recent switch in your interests is something they have seen before? Could it be that this nth time, they may not want to get too invested? Whatever. The experience of finding out what makes anyone tick is different for everybody. So rejoice in what you’ve done, and get yoself a six-pack.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Right? Everything was going so well with your project until a fellow VIRGO started pointing out every minute thing that can make this whole thing kablooey. And now you’ve jumped on the persnickety bandwagon. You’re forgetting something here, SAGgy. Not only are you oh-so-totally-awesome with big-picture stuff, but you’ve got li’l Miss Lucky Jupiter rooting for you, using raise-the-roof realness. It’s great to know what could go wrong; it’s not so good to let it rule yo ass.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
What sucks when you’re in a tiff with someone is that a tiff involves at least two people. You’re one of the queens of control when it comes to achieving your goals and reaching your ambitions. You know how to focus and direct your own way through success (you bitch). With a tiff you can’t control both parties. Even if you find a path that will lead you to resolution, the other party can throw it back in your stone face. But gurl, look: as long as you’re honest with yourself and know what is and what’s not your fault; and that you’re taking responsibility for the former, that’s resolution enough for you, gurl!
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Just keeping it real, gurl: you tend to be okay losing friends because you figure: you can always get new ones. That may be true, Miss Thang, but it’s this exact mode of thinking that can work against you. This betch you’re thinking of droppin’ like she’s hot has yet to reveal to you what she’s really like. You’re not seeing her truth. Don’t give up on her yet.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Gurl, you can’t Carrie Mathison your way out of this. The thing is, you have reached a conclusion, and it’s a worthwhile one. This resolution makes sense. So why are you still full of doubt? Why do you need to go back and rehash the process? It’s like buying plane tickets. The price has already gone up, and you’re waiting for it to go down, only to find that the tickets get more expensive the more you wait. Stop deliberating. Stick to your findings and stand by them.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Look, we already know that your communication skills are lacking. Your penchant for saying exactly what’s in your mind, the way you thought it makes others believe that you don’t have any filter. You need to make the time for filtering, at least until people figure out how you communicate. Once you reel them in, you can switch back to your regular channel.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your decision-making skills have been lacking for the past couple weeks. Some deal fell through a couple weeks ago because you weighed the options, and now you’re shaky and trigger happy with any new situations that come your way. Because a decision didn’t work out in the past, doesn’t mean that you’ve completely lost your handle on things. It just wasn’t meant to be, so just huff and puff and look for the next pig to go after.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
Gurl, I’m hearing your complaints about a certain ho. Forgive me for not being too sympathetic, though: I just know how you can be sometimes. Do I have to spell it out for you? Okay, fine. Some bitch came off a certain way, but what you may not realize is that you were coming off a certain way yourself. I mean, really, gurl. You don’t know your own side-eye.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
I know what’s going on here. You’ve worked your cute tail off for some sort of validation from a person who matters to you. And when it didn’t arrive, you became restless and filled with self-doubt. So you continue to mope around, thinking that she don’t like you. What you don’t know is that your validation has been sitting in your recycling bin; you put it in there because you mistook that thing as spam when it came in your mailbox, with your menus from Asakuma Rice.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your supposed foundation is showing some cracks. Your normal reaction is to fake it until you make it. But the more you fake it, the more your constituents will smell desperation. So why not try this: Accept the cracks as they are. We all have them. Show us that you can deal, and we’ll have more respect for you than you thought possible.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
It’s safe to say that you have won the war against a certain ho. Rather than jumping up and down Tracy Flick style, you have chosen to remain vigilant, in case there is retaliation. Yes, I get it. You LURVE to suck the fun out of everything, even the act of celebrating your personal victories. Well, bitch, snap out of it! You are giving your efforts a great disservice by going all “Case Closed” and moving on to the next job. So please, give yourself some downtime. After all, what’s the point of destroying an evil queen when you can’t even enjoy it?
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!Follow @horoscopesbygil