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(I was so full of astrological shade that I was able to do an entire week in one sitting. Eat it!)


MONDAY, APRIL 14

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

There is more to his secret than meets the eye. You should really just stick to non-controversial b*tches.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’re pretty lethal with a cupcake and a megaphone.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your think tank’s filter could use a little maintenance.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Watch out for this one; she blow dries her hair in your dorm room during quiet hours.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

She spills more secrets when she’s all liquored up. #justasuggestion

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Sometimes you just need to pick up and drive off into the sunrise.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Complete the convertible look with a big red hat and a flowy scarf.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Hold on to your loins (tucked or untucked). Today, it’s every b*tch for herself.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You can’t just go willy-nilly on an orgy. Timing is everything!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Dayum. Someone stretched out your mouth this past weekend.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Saying hi to random strangers in WeHo is a fun little game I like to play. All those shocked “who are you to say hi to me” faces are priceless!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Sometimes the only way to get rid of old baggage is to throw it away without peeking into it.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 15

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

During this nth argument, you’ll actually have to clam up and listen. Take turns talking!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your “me time” equals a big gulp, ho-hos and beef jerky.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your catatonic state can only be explained by one thing: You’re in deep thought.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your favorite hang out spot is closing! Gather the gays to save it.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A new sidekick can really change your outlook in life.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Pick a cute spot at the park. You and yourself need some heart-to-heart.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your performance piece can make you the next “LIBRAce”. #iwentthere #puns

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The gayborhood hasn’t changed. The way you look at it has.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

It’s the call that will open up a crossover event. Hey, it can be good for ratings!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Expect compliments to the chef when you start serving fish.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Having class isn’t enough. Get yourself to a museum and suck up some mutha-effin’ culture!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

When PISCES 2.0 hits the streets, everyone will be gagging on this update.

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

I know your secret. You’ve been hunting at night.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t ever run away from Nostalgia. She’ll cuss a b*tch.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

HAH! Today you’ll be starting your “Help-A-Ho” Foundation.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’ve become one of those gays who always replies “maybe.” S that D.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This bottom needs a closer look. Or thrust.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your weakened state can only be explained by lack of shade.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Emergency business meeting at the diner! Make sure you ask for any business specials they might have. #romyandmichelle

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your realness options are “Prissy Puss” or “Daring Dick”.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

When your subconscious is throwing you shade, it’s time to make some changes.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You know it’s bad when your backup dancers are demanding new choreography.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Your career, like your recent trick, has opened wide for you.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

The only time you want people to step all over your back is during a massage. Happy ending optional.

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THURSDAY, APRIL 17

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This emotional rollercoaster can only mean one thing: May sweeps is coming.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

There is more to you than your caloric intake.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Progress Report (?): You’re resting on pretty. #ru

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

When a diva gives you a sampling of her mood swings, you’ll say “B*tch, Don’t F*cking Even.”

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

The trick is, and it’s a hot trick, your out-of-drag persona should be as captivating as your drag one.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

When you cross over a different genre, you’ll be right on schedule.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You need a great deal of substance. And I’m not talking about your nightly trips to Planet Dailies.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Black Hole Realness. You can suck anyone into your world.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Although you’re used to spontaneity, too much can take a toll on all that work that’s been done on your face.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ll need a wider aspect ratio to analyze this massive queen.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Yes. Showing actual emotion can be exhausting.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Your so-called flakiness is actually a strategy. Sneaky ho.

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WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 18-20

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Branching out this weekend can be difficult if you don’t have a good foundation.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’re exhibiting CAPRICORN Realness: All ambition without the fun.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’ll need to create a decoy, as you are a target of a conniving b*tch.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’re gonna need to ice that jaw by Sunday, ‘cause it’s gonna be a busy weekend for you.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Your friends may find you a little difficult to put up with now that you’re obsessed with a man.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

WARNING: Shade Depletion at ninety percent.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Some divas run from ambiguity. Make your boundaries clear so the b*tch can choose to stay, or go.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

When Groupon gives you a refund in form of “Groupon Bucks”, you will lose your shyt.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sometimes a ho just needs to be appreciated. She did lie to the cops about your real HOccupation.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You have no patience for messy ass tricks.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Need new gays? Luckily for you, a new crop is headed your way on the Rainbow Road.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve got some spunk. And you have the goods to back it up.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Use this downtime in prepping for your next great adventure.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Nothing is as thrilling as sitting by the phone, waiting for the pizza delivery guy to call.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your latest comedy act is called “Empty Theater.”

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Now that your “laryngitis” has been cleared, it’s time to come clean to your gays.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A newbie will remind you of why you fell in love with your art in the first place.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Congratulations! But wait! The b*tch is in another castle.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Harness your shade. It’s hunting season.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The group dynamic has changed, now that you’re group leader.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Based on recent events, you will be too high to read this.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You know what you’re doing in the sex department, but you should probably update your references.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Bummer: You have to work this weekend. But by Sunday you’ll get a higher level of respect from your constituents.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

When your BFF gives you the cold shoulder because she got a man, you’ll smoke your other BFF.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Today’s realness: Crossing Guard Realness.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Bye, La-GONE-ja! #dragrace

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’re not evil, dahling! You’re WICKED. #ouat

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The sun is out and the guys are checking you out!

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Only you can karate-chop shade in half.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Closing your door will only increase the possibility of “b*tches be knockin’!”

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Once you stop getting cooped up in another b*tch’s life, your life can start.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The kind of friction you like is the one that happens in your bed.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Half-day. Surfbort.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

She be going “Mama” this and “HOKAY” that, and you be rolling your eyes.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

When she’s not trying to throw you under the bus, she actually makes for a great lunch buddy.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Don’t be cutting in on a f*cked up “When Harry Met Sally” situation.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You just thought of a comeback to yesterday’s shadery. Too late!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Gloating can be bad for your pores in this weather.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Bad kitty!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The fog rolling in can only mean one thing: Magic is here. And I’m not talking about that dog from the Old Navy commercials.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Somewhere, a stalker is getting started on his wall of you.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s like finals all over again. The good thing is that it has an end date.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

FInally, you’re at the precipice of FIERCE.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll have to settle for planning your superiors’ social demise in your head.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Today, you’ll go from classic… to first class.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Practice your groans. Although you’ve been doing your best, there is one final test.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

There have been changes since you went away on vacay.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

No use interrupting a catty b*tch until she calms down.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

All the cards have been laid out. Should you stay? Or should you go?

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Be careful. You’re so used to having nice, expensive things that you may start to think that people can be “ownable.”

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

If they’re not gagging on your looks, they’ll be gagging on your brain.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

If the past isn’t holding up to the present, then you’ve got some work to do… in letting go.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Someone’s got themselves a huge dose of VIRGO.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

If you can’t bend, you can’t attend.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

When it comes to helping busted queens, there’s enough of you to go around.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The runway has been set for an impromptu walk-off. And from the looks of it, I don’t need to ask you if you’re ready for battle.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I hate to be trite, but some b*tches just want yo’ money.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Reorganizing your smartphone apps has never been more complicated.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Although the smoke has cleared, you’d best stick around for the aftermath.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Um so there’s these things called taxes that need to be filed by next week…

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Love is not all roses. There’s bickering and screaming too, huntie.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You focus too much on the tandem that you neglect the individual needs of each person.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

If you can’t follow my trail of bread, then forget it. I’ll just eat my damn bread.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The softer side of this ho will leave you gagging for more.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Just because you’re ready to be datin’ doesn’t mean everyone else is.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Hey, queen! Calm and Collected called in sick for the day. #sorryboutit

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This new omen is too cuddly sounding for a message of doom.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Before you spill the T make sure we have wipes to mop it all up when you’re done.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Stop putting your balls in another man’s basket.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

If you’re gonna draw a line, do it with lipstick.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Life is like a new pair of shoes. You get used to it after a few blisters and calluses.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Out of all our supporters, you’re our favorite jock strap.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Photo

: Astrological Shade in action

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It’s Grindr Awards Season. Who will win “Trick of the Year”?

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

During a school trip to the museum, you must stay with the group. You really should get to know your classmates better so you can use this knowledge to your advantage.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Half the battle is finding out who should make the first move. (It’s you, gurl!)

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your new musical, “Moody Bitch”, has been nominated for ten Tonys!

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

It’s not that b*tches be tired of whining, it’s that they be tired of hearing the same ones.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve been pulling Damage Control Central all week! By Sunday you will want these hos to leave you alone.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s the perfect weekend to take steps toward healing and repairing all your deep seated personal shyt.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Once you’ve saved the day, you will raise hell if you don’t get any sort of recognition.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This new idea can propel you to stardom, and leave your jealous gays in the dust.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

All of a sudden, this busted queen has got all her shyt together. Who is she f**king?

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Special Guest Star Alert! A crossover event is just what your heart needed.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Although obstacles lie ahead, I’ve been told that your dismount is unf*ckingbelieveable.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Feeling sluggish? You’re still doing better than everyone else.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

When you can’t buy friendship, you’ll buy a flat screen.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Whatever you do tonight, it bettah not be speed dating.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your presence alone can make your trick open wide.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Men you may not know, but shade? Shade, you know.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Today you’ll be planning your “I’m over it” moment.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You know a gay is a keeper if he can show you fun stuff to do outside of West Hollywood.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

A slap in the face will only recharge yo ass.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You be like, “shyyyt, betch, I need more time. Don’t be rushin’ me.”

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your whining sure sounds like you want your diaper changed.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You picked the wrong day to go to the DMV. And gurl, picturing everyone naked will only make things worse.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Once you connect with the perfect puzzle piece, you won’t need the other 98 to complete that pretty picture.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You may not be funny, you may not be a sing-ger, nor a damn seamstress. But you’re a fierce queen. #alyssaedwards

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Misdirected shade. You think it’s being thrown at you, when really, it’s being thrown with you.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It’s hard to get past a past that is manufactured.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

We can’t cheer you on if you’re not even cheering for yourself.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A scab may help heal a wound, but it also leaves a scar.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Let today be a reminder: You can’t save every ho.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Let’s just say your PowerPoint presentation needs a bit more power.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Hold up on getting that Groupon. It’s a Sunday-Thursday check-in :( .

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You don’t need to find yourself first before diving into a relationship. Sometimes the relationship helps you find yourself.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The reward is that you get to compete with these A-list queens. Who cares if you win?

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Always remember: There is more to you than your hoo-hah.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

From Grindr to OKCupid: It’ll take some getting used to.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!