This shade has been certified as 100% organic, hunties!
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Well. You’ve pretty much declared war on a certain b*tch. Normally I wouldn’t sanction such a drastic action, but in this case, it’s completely justified. You have been wronged, and in the past, you have waved off the pain whenever it’s been brought up. But, starting today, enough is enough. With the full support of friends and loved ones, you are now free to unleash those meticulously manicured claws. #ivehaditwiththisbitch
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
When it comes to finishing touches, no one does it better than thou. Unlike most gays, you know exactly the amount of drama to infuse on any facade or situation. And it’s not like you have to focus too much either. You have that natural ability to hone in on the aesthetic value of any object or person (no matter how shyt show-y) and emphasize it, all while you’re holding a Stoli martini with a twist. This is why you have great, adoring fans. No doubt about it: you are the cilantro that everyone wants on their dish.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
During a show and tell walkthrough at the agency, people may mistake your comments as “brutal.” They are right, but on the other hand, they may be influenced by your reputation as a no-holds barred, straight-up diva who derives pleasure at shooting down ideas. It’s an unfair reputation, as you know. At the same time, you shouldn’t give a damn. Your “brutal-ness” helps you and your company come up with high-end, high-quality products that always wipe out the competition. Few b*tches are as passionate as you, and the ones who are close to you—the ones that matter—recognize that.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Out of your element much? I can tell by the way you’re sweating; or the way you try to wiggle yourself out of certain social situations, like I would when I really have to pee. You make it look cute, by the way. What I’ve always admired about you, besides your horse ass, is your ability to embrace discomfort. You take it on as a challenge, and you make it look fun. Your sense of adventure is what will save you this difficult week, but then again, when has it not?
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
In life, as there are certain b*tches who are with you all the way, there are ones who are just complete morons who are unable to see the big picture. These imbeciles have no specific direction in life, and they aimlessly move and bump into walls like a Roomba (available at Homo Depot). This week, prepare for this latter kind to keep getting in your way. Know that it’s not personal. They’re not aiming for you; they’re aiming at nothing. The generous thing to do is to grab each of them by the shoulders, and face them in the direction that’s best for each of them.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
You can argue any political issue on the table without breaking a sweat. Your reputable sense of aloofness helps you navigate the difficult waters of debate without making it personal. This is because all the personal shyt you harbor are kept in that big ass urn that you carry on your shoulder. Well this week, prepare for that moment you accidentally drop that urn. It’ll shatter in nice little pieces, letting all that personal shyt out. It’ll be interesting. It’ll be magical. And like I said, political issues, you can argue. Magic, you simply can’t.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
You have reached some sort of gay catharsis with your lover, or a real close gay. Roles have been modified; new understandings have come forth. Indeed, the past few weeks have been harrowing, to say the least, but rest assured, the aftermath that comes underway this week will be akin to new flowers that bloom in the spring. Know that although true resolution is still a couple of weeks away, this week brings the promise, the reminder, that whatever that resolution will be, you can get past it unscathed.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
A transition is underway, as judged by all the emotional bullshyt that your constituents are hurling at you and at each other. But, negative or not, these outbursts are all passionate reactions to change. And even though people are arguing, yelling and throwing things at each other, you recognize a certain beauty about the scene. It’s like this transition has given you a slow motion filter, and you’re able to capture and savor every moment. Whatever the destination will be, you won’t forget these moments anytime soon.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Sexual innuendos aside, have you checked your oil lately? Vehicular shade is on the rise this week, and I just wanted to give you the heads up on the two kinds. The first kind is internal and it has everything to do with the upkeep of your auto baby: make sure she’s up to date! The second kind of vehicular shade is external and much more difficult to control. In fact, the only thing you can control about external vehicular shade is your reaction. Because the more you expect that b*tches in Range Rovers or Priuses will cut you off, the less your temper will rise.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
This week, it’s like all aspects of your life decided to call you at 2 AM to say, “I need help!” Although you live for any kind of shyt show, whether it’s some horrible drag performance or a funny remark your messed up friend emitted out of his ass, the kind that has to do with you, you can’t handle! But trust that your network of gays are available and more than happy to give you a helping hand (and some, a helping handjob), and it should be much easier for you to get through this week. Just don’t call them at 2 AM, unless you want them to put you on “BLOCK.”
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Between that powerful top who’s eager to explore your bottom and that workload of yours… something’s gotta give! And by the looks of it, that something is going to be your temper. And quite honestly, this release is something that we welcome, as lately, we’ve been wondering if you are capable of such emotion. You spend so much time taking care of us that you forget to take care of yourself and your needs. This week, voicing them out (and loudly so) will be your first step in getting a handle on things.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
This week, a focus grows inside of you. It’s like the noises in your gayborhood have evaporated, and all you hear are birds chirping. This focus is the result of you finding your voice. You are finally able to make your mark in the world and the stars have aligned to make sure that mark f*cking stays. With this focus, you are able to minimize the chaos produced by your everyday constituents. With this voice, you are able to say, “Where’s my Starbucks?” with great conviction.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!
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