Text

Corn. Chowdah.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

On Monday, expect a different “thumbs up” from the one you’re used to. This one is more… of the physical contact variety. On Tuesday, don’t nobody mess with your pie chart unless they want to be ripped a new pie hole! Hump day is the day to eliminate your soul of useless cobwebs. Your hoo-hah could use a little bit of dusting as well. Thursday is the day to sit one of your gays down. She may not be too keen on the plan but you bettah make sure she doesn’t mess anything up for both of you. Finally, this weekend is the perfect time to film your music video at the beach.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s makeover week! And honey, the way to makeover your soul is by beautifying everything around you! From spritzing the homeless with CK Be (so 90’s!) to transforming your home into a page from Home & Garden, you will not stop until your eyes and tastes are satisfied. Busted hos will be running to you with all their questions about hair, make-up, clothing and shoes — and you will give them the answers they need without even a mask of annoyance. Expect your karma points to double by the end of the week.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

If you want to leak your sex “tape,” all you have to do is find the nearest SAGITTARIUS and open with, “this is not for public consumption, but…” then give him the flash drive with the file. Wait three minutes and voila! That file will be out faster than an awkward b*tch during dodgeball. But gurl, you know that once it’s out there, it’ll always be out there, especially if it’s the worst sex tape ever.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

New environment, new politics. This week will be all about your first attempts to break the ice with the new resident mean gurl. Whatever the result, will set the tone for the rest of your working relationship with this betch. Since you’re a newbie, I suggest that you woo the ho. She does know the whos and the whats of this new place, and although she has permanent side eye and has scales for a skin, she does want you to stick around, as long as you say out of her way.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

When something big is plopped on you on Monday, you can’t help but plan around it. And planning involves so much: you gotta measure it, take pictures of it, weigh it, rest your head on it… and gurl no worries. I am fully aware of the old adage, “know before you take it in.” On Wednesday, skip the meet and greet and get to the bottom of a shady operation. It’ll unnerve your constituents but once you have exposed the shade, you’ll be seen as a hero. On Sunday, watch the fruits of your labor fall on your face. Plop-plop-ploppity plop!

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Work has been soooo annoying lately. It’s definitely time to start planning a vacay. It’ll give you the surge you need to get you through the rest of the week. Wednesday isn’t the day to make a splash in your world ‘coz in doing so, you’ll be in competition with a lot of other queens. Just watch from the sidelines and jot down their weaknesses. They will come in handy one of these days. Don’t use Waze this weekend. She’s been such a nasty b*tch lately.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

On Monday, home is where the heart is, and whether home is your immediate sweetie or your pet turtle, you will be showing them nothing but love. Hump day signals a complete 180 when you start suspecting everyone of taking advantage of you. I swear, sometimes, you can be so bicoastal. No worries, your bad mood is merely an accidental bad setting. Just reach back and fiddle with the green switch. This weekend, a gay is in trouble, but when you ask her what’s wrong, she be clamming up on you. Go around her and find out what she’s not telling you, and that will lead you to the key to her salvation.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Starting Monday, your world turns into an ice skating rink, and you turn into a clumsy SAGITTARIUS. I’m not gonna lie. The next couple of days will be like this. Just stay close to the railing until the music stops on Wednesday. Thursday eases up on you, but you still have got to play it safe. You’re not the only one who will benefit from this. Once the light turns green this weekend, you can go back to your usual antics.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

For some people, the unstable can be stable. Although you’re not one of them, on Monday, you will be. It’s the expectation of the unexpected that will ground you, Mr. Bull. On Wednesday, expect some conflict to develop when your wife meets your work wife. Once you have appeased both parties (your wife takes priority, duh) the dust should settle on Thursday. The weekend may turn sour if you let a chip on your shoulder take over your attitude.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

That’s the thing about silent treatments. When you start it, you’re the only one who can really end it. But ending it will be very tricky, so you’ll need a third party to be advisor and liaison. The advisor part, not so pleasant, but the liaison part is the key to the prize. You’ll get an earful, but really absorb the magnitude of the read. And once she’s led you to your frenemy, it’ll be up to you to make amends.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Starting Monday, thanks to a jolt of super juice, you begin laying down the groundwork for your next reinvention. The process will invigorate you this upcoming season, but it’s not without its hardships. Not only are the people around you moving on with their lives (some may be leaving), there are also sacrifices that you have to make within you to make this change. Don’t take anything for granted. Allow yourself to be calculating at times; it will make you seem unfeeling like your heart is made out of stone but it really is just a grounding mechanism for all the warmth that exists inside of you.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Why are you talking like a weird person? It’s like you’re melding different kinds of British accents. Are you practicing for a role or are you just trying to annoy us? The outfits are a little strange as well. It’s okay to shop for cROSS-dress-for-less (believe me, it’s where I get my f*ck-me-pumps) but do you have to wear your clothes all at the same time? On top of each other? Here’s the sitch, dahling. Whatever phase you’re going through, rest assured, I will still judge you the same way I judge everybody else.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

::spilling my vodka martini:: Sh*t!


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Monday is “Minion Delegation Day.” And gurl, you bettah make sure every single one of your gays has something to do. And by the way, it’s never too early to start campaigning for Prom Queen. In the past, your Prom Queen persona has been “calculating betch behind a warm, caring face,” but this year, everyone foams at the mouth when they hear “collaboration.” So don’t be just a beautiful queen. BE a beautiful queen who has an effective, yet gorgeous team (fire Stacey) behind her. Doing so will cement your place in the Prom Queen Hall of Fame.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Gurl, I know you’re used to dealing with stupid people, but this week, it’s like they multiplied. Apparently, in your vicinity, there’s some kind of Stupid People Factory that just keeps spitting out these busted bitches! While it’s not possible for this factory to shut down, you can view these hos as contributors to your exercise in patience. And hey, you can always make these idiots believe there’s an Idiot Convention somewhere they can go to #idiotcon2014. That should clear them out of your gayborhood.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This. Is. The. Week. Everything. Clicks. Clear out the dry erase, and make sure you have all your biggest issues at the top of the list, as starting Monday, your mental capacity will f*cking soar. Ooh, gurl. On Wednesday, I know you pride yourself in being a reserved little tw@t, but get ready for a surge of animalistic passion within you. All the flora and fauna have been alerted, hunty! They know to stay the f*ck away from the crossfire. And this weekend, as you’re forever the Queen of Balance, you will allow the stasis to set in as you look back at the shyt shows and highlights of the past week with great fondness.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Okay gurl, I’m gonna give it to you straight this week. Stop singing Sia in the shower, because only Sia can do Sia, lady! The walls are thin and they’re not gaining anymore of an appetite hearing you sing. And hunty, I’m doing you and our neighbors a favor with this T. And here’s the tip: Start with the Britney for a couple of days, and then move on to a nicely paced Rihanna vocal (translation: slow and lazy) and then you can attempt to Katy Perry it by the weekend. Doing the XTina riffs would not be recommended at this point. Save it for next week, cricket! P.S. Leave Celine alone. Don’t even look at her, don’t even think about her. Got it?

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

“Tweet, tweet, tweet.” All the little birds are singing in celebration of your existence. “Tweet, tweet, tweet,” as they gather up grass and twigs, intertwining them to make an earthy muthaf*cking goddess of a dress. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the crown is next, as they each contribute a part of their self-made nest to make you a crown. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the scepter is presented, made out of bamboo and sunflower seeds. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the birds play P.R. as they borrow your Twitter account, announcing to the masses of your red carpet appearance at Hollywood and Highland. Wake the f*ck up.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The Invasion of the Individuality Snatchers has begun. Starting this Monday, it’s official: You have been absorbed into the cult called “We.” “We are going to the farmer’s market.” “We prefer staying at home on Friday nights.” “We don’t like this movie.” “We are going vegetarian.” “We are planning a trip to the Maldives.” “We have converted into Apple.” But no worries. I’m holding the “I” for you. And when you’re ready, please stop by my apartment to get it. Just don’t wait too long. Everything has an expiration date.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You do know the meaning of “ex,” right? Just in case you have forgotten, let me refresh your memory. EX means: (1) “he is no longer,” (2)“the mangina has closed,” (3)“no more awkward dinners at his controlling sister-in-law’s house,” (4) “’Walking on eggshells’ has officially expired,” (5) “an increase in awkward run-ins on Santa Monica Boulevard while you have a big scoop of gluten yogurt in your mouth,” (6) “sorry b*tch, I’ve changed the locks,” and (7) “that cock has sailed.” So why the f*ck is he in your living room, gnawing on your Pop Tarts?

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Work it! This week, you’re the hot gay newbie in WeHo. Expect lots of lingering enticing looks from the locals! And by locals, I don’t mean the ones that shuttle in from Valencia on the weekends. You bettah be forking over some dough for some wi-fi and 4G LTE, because your grindrjackedscruff app will erupt in volcanic proportions. But with great power, comes the possibility of waking up in the middle of the car wash on SMB and Palm. So find a balance between flaunting your shyt and watching your back. It’s only your first week.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Oh dear. I don’t think Instagram has ever been f*cked over this hard by you. She can’t even walk a straight line at this point. Did she enjoy it? If she did, she was probably faking it, sir. And you know she’d be telling all her friends, Sitonmyfacebook and Tw@tter the muthaeffin truth about her awkward tryst with you. What’s left to do? Leave her alone. Let her sort out the details and the reasons for this horrible hookup. Let her get through the soul searching, the karma questioning of it all. Let. Her. Be.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The outfit dictates the man’s synergy with the universe. And on Monday, the universe will be staring at you, wondering, “What the f*ck?” Expect Tuesday to give up on your self-preservation antics, and when you run out of tampons, expect Wednesday to have a backup supply. Thursday will welcome you into his arms like you’re the prodigal gay, and Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be fighting over you with superfluous attempts to make you giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Well if isn’t the return of the flaky betch. But you have a good reason, allegedly. You are currently working on an application for a very important financial transaction. And although you may not take your other transactions seriously (see Exhibit Gays), this one is very important. It’s so important that you can’t even blow the information in anyone’s ear. Rest assured, everyone of your gays is miffed by you. Time is your friend in this scenario. Once the pussycat’s out of your new Fendi and you’ve shoved free drinks in their holes, they will forgive you.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

I love it when you talk to yourself. First of all, it starts off nice and platonic, very “How’s your day / Oh it was fine, I switched to a new brand of tampons” type stuff. But all of a sudden, the deep rooted issues come out, and after a burst of shade, you’re giving yourself the silent treatment. And then by Thursday, it’s like nothing happened. You and yourself have absorbed the necessary pain, learned from it, maybe called up a fellow SCORPIO and let her baby sit some of the pain for you, and just like that, you continue to appear sane in front of your fagquaintances.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

Your face is trending.


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Honey if you force the issue on Monday, it’ll blow up on your pretty li’l face. In the famous words of Adele Dazeem, “let that shyt go.” On Tuesday, keep that purse closed. You may have money to spend, but you don’t wanna spend it on the wrong things. And believe me, every Sally and Larry will be selling you all kinds of trash. No, thank you. On Wednesday, “where my Lumosity at?” will be the theme of the day, as your glorious brain will be itching to get used. This weekend, get that ass in the air, ‘coz gurl, you’ll be putting the “twerk” in “netwerking.”

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Monday signals the beginning of the end to all those petty little fights you’ve instigated last week. It’s time to look ahead and forget about the shyt shows of the past. It will be harder on Wednesday, when your posse seems like they’re after you, but they’re not, lady. You’re just finding yourselves in close quarters these days and it’s hard to keep everyone satisfied. Thursday is when everything starts to get better. It’s like your destiny went outside for some fresh air. Let her do her thang!

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Monday is “Where Is This Going? Day.” Feel free to ask this question to your man, your dog, and your West Elm catalog. While cleaning on Tuesday, you just happened to unearth your old Nintendo Entertainment System. Before you get lost in nostalgia, be sure you have crossed off at least five items on your to-do list. On Thursday through the weekend, channel your inner Share Bear and celebrate your winnings with your gays. It may just inspire a much needed weekend orgy.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your homebase is usually your safe haven, but on Monday, it will suffocate you. Convince your sweetie or a close friend to play hooky, and after spending a spontaneous day together, you will feel a new spark in your relaysh. On Wednesday, your proposed fashion design is inspiring and innovative. Justt make sure it doesn’t get too arts-and-crafts-y in the execution. Thursday through Saturday will be an exercise in patience and caution as your bestie wrangles you into the drama she’s enmeshed herself into. There’s a way to help the betch out without losing your cool. On Sunday, go to the f*cking park.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

On Monday, sleeping with a subway street performer is just your cup of tea. But by Tuesday, you’ll find that he likes to do it in places where he can get caught. Wednesday and Thursday is the calm before the weekend shyt storm; it’s important that you don’t rush any projects along and let them unfold as they should, like how I’m doing with the latest Danity Kane breakup.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

On Monday, whip out that calculator app; your financials need a little love. On Tuesday, whip out that journal; you got some issues to sort out. On Wednesday, whip out that bouquet of roses: your honey’s feeling neglected. On Thursday, whip out that scale; you wanna make sure your personal shyt and career shyt are on the same level. And this weekend, whip out that ho; ‘coz you be hoin’.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Time can make shyt disappear, and starting Monday, you’ll be metamorphosizing again. Make sure you have the budget for this new makeover. And please don’t go all willy-nilly opting for the most expensive shyt. Although you’re not exactly on Cosmeticaid, you should still do your research, so you can get a great deal for more quality. By Thursday you’ll find that setting out for the new you will cause all sorts of problems, but hey, being a genius is never easy nor simple. This weekend, put yourself in Control Center mode, because you’ll be sought out for help by different kinds of peeps. From your ex to your grandma.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

On Monday, your dreamcatcher must be on overdrive, ‘coz she be catching all kinds of visions. You’ll need the help of a VIRGO to sort through all this shyt, and you bettah be in the mood to work, ‘coz this betch don’t mess around. This Wednesday is best reserved for those eager to hop on the Good Vibrations Bus; the rest of them can f*cking walk. Get ready for a hazy weekend. We all know that fog is your ultimate power source.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

The final season is fast approaching, and on Monday, you’ll take the first step toward your end game. On Tuesday, f*ck your man before he gets any hornier, or he’ll cause all sorts of distractions to veer you off your final arc. Wednesday is the time to thank the people who have gotten you to where you are currently, and if you’re extra nice, they will be more amenable to helping you out on your Thursday needs. By this weekend, you will be done with 70 percent of your series goal.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

On Monday, you’ll be schooling us bitches about the difference between being creative, and being downright FOOLISH. God help us all. When you do your part on Save-A-Ho Tuesday, just do what is needed and resist the urge to get enmeshed in any unnecessary drama this betch has as backup. Hump Day is the perfect time to summon a gay for a Full House moment. On Thursday and Friday, exercise your right to be super picky as your weekend enjoyment depends on it.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

On Monday, when someone pushes your buttons, give him your nipples! Tuesday marks “Where The F*ck Is My Career Going?” Day, and Wednesday is “Read Into A Betch’s Subtext” Day. When a friend of a friend drops his two cents into your biznits on Thursday, you’ll be inclined to go all Solange Knowles on her, but you probably should just look into her advice. A cast change is on the horizon this weekend. It wouldn’t hurt to hold early auditions for your next posse.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Monday Alert: There’s a Dawn Richard in your posse! Freeze that betch out! On Tuesday you get a Freshness Injection, right up that ass, gurl! Don’t be so wishy washy on Wednesday and Thursday, ‘coz your mental abilities are needed to solve a gay conundrum (stripes or plaid?). This weekend forecast calls for plenty of sunshine, with just the right amount of shade. Amen.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

It’s all about balance, ladies!


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

On Monday, it’s hard to look away when there’s a big boo-tay in front of you. Sometimes you just gotta face the ass. Wednesday gets tricky when a trick asks you out on an actual date. I know you like your rules and your labels, but give this fella a chance to prove himself outside the bedroom. Ground it in the name of fun and the unnecessary expectations will fall away like dead leaves during November in New England.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Enough mosey-ing… get to it already! You’ve pranced around in your little outfits for the past month, with no big finale. This month is the time to really absorb what the end game is to motivate you to take the necessary steps toward it. I don’t want no frills, b*tch, and keep the sass to a minimum. I don’t want you rushing for it either. Make this journey a good balance of rushing and slowing, like a wonderfully choreographed dance. The prize at the end will be that much worth it.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Monday’s not even gonna wait for you. You will wake up in the f*cking thick of it like you wouldn’t even believe. On the plus side, it jolts up your senses for the rest of the week. Turn on the charm on Wednesday. You’re about to say shyt people don’t wanna hear. Nostalgia will hit you earlier on Thursday, sending you to a downward spiral of “what ifs.” Get off that slide, young lady. You’re wearing your Sunday dress.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

I’m sure you’ve heard this one. Remember that tale about a ho that got famous, not just because of her talents, but also because she’s such a cool person? Then fame got the better of her, changed her into a nasty li’l tw@t and spit her out when it was done with her? Well your week will be similar to this tale, but honey, you have the ability to change the ending. Fame doesn’t last forever. When it leaves, don’t let it take away your core.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This is the week where you find yourself at some party, and you look around and you’re like, “what the f*ck is all this shyt?” And then you go off on your own trying to find some kind of meaning to all this. You may even take a buddy or two along this journey. You may even form a doobie club. And then before you know it, you’re at a not-so-similar party with a different group of people and you want out once again. You’ll always be searching for meaning, saggy. Don’t let the destinations fool you into thinking that the search wasn’t fulfilling.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Here’s my thing about giving back: it’s perfectly okay. But once your generosity gets a reputation, then b*tches be asking for more. And if you don’t watch it, you’ll get sucked dry, and not in the way that I’d prefer. Again, giving back is great. Just make sure you give yourself the right amount of energy and resources to withstand your altruism.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

When your insides are in deep doo-doo on Monday, trust that your outer layer will harden to compensate. Really give your insides time to get their shyt together on Tuesday, because by Wednesday, things take a turn for the best and you’ll need all that energy to relish the f*ck out of it. One of your frenemies turn cryptic on Thursday, and it will take a weekend trip to the library to decode the b*tch. You’ll be glad you took the time.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Have you been hanging out with a LIBRA? Because you have been so f*cking indecisive lately. And if you’re gonna ask your gay to decide for you and she happily does so, please don’t follow it up with, “but what if I do this other thing?” - you will only annoy the betch. She’ll be like, “oh, so you don’t trust my opinion!” and you’d be like “but you haven’t seen this third option!” and she be like, “if you trusted me you wouldn’t pick a third option!” The lesson here is: Don’t be such a Libra. It doesn’t suit you.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You know what you need? A nice long purge, beeyotch! Take all the good and the bad stuff that’s happened to you in the past few years, put it inside you and whatever the result emotion is—sadness, laughter, nostalgia—give in to it FULLY, hunty! This is a time of reflection. A change is in the works, and the more you are at peace with what has happened in the past, only then will you be able to tackle the FEW-CHAH.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ve been bottling it all in for the past few weeks, and now that you’re ready to let it all exit, you find that the opening is simply too small for all this shyt to pass through. You can’t control this eruption. All you can do is to ask a few loved ones to hold your hand through the process. Some of them won’t want to, and that’s how you know who you can unleash it out on. But seriously, reassure your helpers that when the explosion is done, you will cuddle them with thank you gifts. After all, you’re not an animal.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

On Monday, heads up! Your new drag persona is now available in High Definition! It will take a bit of time to adjust to this new you but when you do, expect your looks to be less pixellated! And when you read a b*tch, it will be heard in surround, gurl! By Wednesday you will have a firmer grasp on your new drag power, just in time to entertain your growing number of admirers. When something great like this happens, your twin can’t help but get all doubtful. That’s okay, but please reassure the betch that this is the real deal. Once she’s calm, you’ll be free to move around the gayborhood.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

I’m not going to Splenda-coat it: This week will be quite a doozy. On Monday you will receive some undesirable news - but trust that this is all just a step toward a fabulous goal. On Tuesday, expect a close ho to pull out some major SHEnanigans. There is more to this shyt show than meets the eye. These are pretty tough times, crabby. A new season is coming and everyone’s trying to get their shyt together. Feel free to help them out but you need to leave room to deal with your own shyt as well. The good news is that after this week, everyone will have a set plan and they will calm the house down.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

Who ordered the shade?


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Monday is Double-Duty Day! On your way home from a trick, help out the needy. Go all out on Tuesday and volunteer at a soup kitchen. Rack up those karma points! Just make sure you tell Karma your bank account # ‘coz she be needin’ to direct deposit that shyt! Wednesday, you take a turn for the moody. It’s just the summer blues and all those early “Back-To-School” commercials just bogging you down. I say just start small, concentrate on one-on-one time with each of your gays, and by this weekend, you’ll be ready for massive amounts of shindiggery!

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

On Monday, whatever your power source may be, whether it’s a wand, or a rod, or a staff, you’ll need to harness it. And always remember to start at the tip, hunty! You’ll get to see a load of results on Tuesday, putting your confidence meter back to full by Wednesday. When you lord over people on Thursday, make sure you do it shade-free, and with all the precision you can muster. This is the time to really hunker down and get some shyt done. Because by this weekend, the culmination of your work will be seen. And dahling, get ready for a lot of “oohs” and “aahs.”

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

There seems to be some kind of tug-of-war happening between you, and your saboteur. Who is this saboteur, you may ask? Well honey, it’s you! I could go into detail how this all began a loooong time ago, with a b*tch named Doubt, but no one’s up for a history lesson now, right? Here’s the thing. Your work speaks for itself. And when that work speaks, there is no shred of doubt. She ain’t even in the room.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

During the first half of the week, you’ll be on walk-on-eggshells mode at your job. Just stick to doing actual work; no Facebooking nor Googling “Justin Theroux bulge” on that ‘puter. There’s a bug up your boss’s ass - it has nothing to do with you, but at the same time, you don’t want to place yourself in the line of fire. The second half of the week, one of you gays will lay a big one on you. It’s quite the game changer so you bettah not have carpal tunnel syndrome ‘coz you’ll be holding on to that joystick for a while.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Gurl, I know you’ve gotten quite an itch. No worries, it’s not something you got from a trick. Rather, it’s an itching to go somewhere. This itch has been bugging you for weeks, but you’ve just been brushing it off with: “I’ll get to it later.” Well honey, expect that itch to get a lot itchier this week, leaving you with no choice but to scratch it with a nice li’l visit to an ex. And by ex, I mean Expedia, dahling!

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You are SO. OVER. WORK. It’s because your co-workers are so over it too, causing some kind of chain reaction at the office. But here’s the thing, diva: you can cause the opposite chain reaction by actually doing the work and inspiring everyone to do theirs. And no worries. Once you start, you’ll start to enjoy how it feels to be on top of things again. This weekend, a special guest star will grace you with her presence. So go for drinks with this squirrel friend and create your own flashback episode.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Make sure your loins are protected. Some massive work shyt is about to come crashing down on your ass this week, and no, it won’t be like the time you slept with Mr. “Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!” It’s not just work. Everyone’s in such a sh*tty mood lately and are more content hurling sweet li’l nasties at each other rather than dealing with what’s going on with themselves. Don’t erupt like Mt. Shade just yet. Let these hos get it all out of their system and once everything is over, you’ll have a line of apologetic wankers outside of your office.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

UGH. You have been so MIA lately! We could be more annoyed, but I know you haven’t been around because you’ve been revving up that good ol’ workout regimen again. You were like, “wait, it’s summer? I need my bah-day!” Just don’t forget to give your gays a call once you’re satisfied with your fabulous physique. We would love to do cheat day brunch with you!

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve caught something. It all started with this guy in the bathhouse. He gave you something and… you’re hoping it won’t clear up anytime soon, because he gave you the LOVEBUG! Oh, dear. May God save your family, friends, and their moms, who will have to do everything in their power not to roll their eyes in your presence while they watch you skip around town with that googley look in your face. Oh, hey, check out this article!

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Love them hashytags? Here’s your week: #mondayblues #ugh #boss #worksucks #powerplay #whosgotthelongestdick #aboveit #humpday #lookingforward #provider #sweetie #couple #gala #weekend #blessed

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Something clicked this past weekend and now all of a sudden, you’re Mr. Dynamic. You’ve gotten more charming, more delightful, and you seem to have mastered the skill of getting your ideas across without any put-ons nor any unnecessary verbal drizzle. But your own posse seems impervious to it. They still see you as a conniving little tw@t. What’s up with that? Maybe there’s something you’re not seeing. Or maybe it has nothing to do with you. Either way, you should probably get to the bottom of it.

=====

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’re at the end of a long journey so I suggest you end it with a bang. I’m not saying the good times will end. Another chapter is about to begin, and this one’s filled with flowers, singing animals, dancing dinner plates… it can’t help but get a G-rating. This new chapter is happy-go-lucky, that even the occasional annoyance produced by your neighbor or roommate will not be enough to dampen your spirits.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

HEY SQUIRREL FRIENDS!


Horoscopes By Gil turns 3 next week! Thanks so much for putting up with my shyt! :)

I may do a “Fan Favorite” additional edition to celebrate three years of astrological shade. Please feel free to message me any of your favorite entries (it doesn’t have to be from your sign)!

SAMPLE MESSAGE:

Gil, I liked this from February 8, 2011:

“SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You. A. Ho.”

Gurl, you bettah know how to cut and paste! No worries, I’ll mention yo’ ass!

“Bye, Felicia!”

—Gil

=====

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

FLAFLOOEY! It’s what’s for dinner.


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You have got to splash things up, you cutesy li’l creature of the sea! In doing so you would be putting smiles on people’s faces! For instance, one of your gal pals ain’t doing so well. Another one has been led astray and WHO KNOWS when that betch will find her bearings? Get off your crab tail and start re-connecting those dots. In these tough times, your moody betch act is just what we need for entertainment. So let all your watery goodness wash upon us! Amen.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

STEP ONE: Tone down the demands. STEP TWO: Make initial attempts to collaborate. STEP THREE: Once you’re in a group, begin to rise up to a mentoring capacity. STEP FOUR: Go against your own teachings but still make it work. AND STEP FIVE: Let go of the past.

These are the five steps that you need in order to have a very successful bake sale.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Shake off the past week like dog hair on a cashmere blanket. It’s OVAH! This is the week to usher in a new era of fantabulousness! But don’t be too flighty, gurl! As this new era can change to a new shyt show at a drop of a hat. Keep your wits with you. Don’t leave them in the glove compartment, or in your trick’s bathroom. On Wednesday you have got to be a team player, because your gays have had enough of your Negative Nancy-ness. They do have your best interests at heart, you’ll see. This weekend, prepare to bask in the sea of new fans.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Get thee to therapy. Whether it’s a spa treatment, an AA meeting or retail, you have got to take care of your abandonment issues! First of all, conceited much? Just because people are busy taking care of their own shyt doesn’t mean they’re neglecting you. Second, you have got to start looking at this as a martini glass half full situation. Your gays aren’t around? It shouldn’t be that difficult for you to charm the pants off a new set of hos and expand your dramatis personæ. So hop to it, Rico Suave!

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Set in your ways, much? That’s fine, but for Monday, you may want to choose your honey over your “Catch Up On DVR” night, and really, “Catch Up On DVR” is just another title for “I’m watching too much sh*tty TV.” On Wednesday, the 5-second rule applies for that donut, but you may want to think twice before picking it up in front of your boss. On Thursday, you bettah pick the right stilettos because you’ll be challenged to a walk-off, hunty! This weekend, you must think outside the box, including but not limited to your hoo-hah!

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I may be reaching here, but I know you don’t mind! The one thing you do mind is being overwhelmed, especially with expectations. Nip. That. Shyt. In the bud. Hos have got to realize that if power is assigned to you, then there must be a reason for that. Trust! With this new power comes a new juggling act. And gurl, I’ve seen you with a pile of plates; you’re gonna need some practice. But the one thing you’ve got going for you is that you always keep it cute, doll!

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This week, you can’t help but smile. You’re smitten by someone or the idea of something new. It’s at the beginning stages and you know you shouldn’t put all your balls in one jockstrap but… You can’t help but deploy all the “what ifs” you can think of. I say get thee to a private area and “what if” away! You are strong enough to withstand it if none of it happens, and you’re strong enough to handle it if it does! The latter is scarier, of course.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

I get it.  You’re dealing with a nasty b*tch.  Here’s the thing.  This b*tch is on the defensive.  She’s as afraid of you as you are of her (though you’d never admit it).  I say just stand your ground and say your piece as non-confrontational as possible.  She won’t have any grounds to be defensive, and she’ll actually respect you.  Boom.  Boom.  Pow.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Oh, honey.  I don’t even know where to start.  If I say “you’re letting yourself be treated like a doormat,” you’ll just go, “gurl, that ain’t news to me.”  So here’s where I’ll go with this.  What’s done is done, and the best thing that you can do is to go back to treating yourself with a lot of respect.  I won’t stop you from acting selflessly.  I won’t stop you from looking out for the needs of others.  All I’ll ask of you, fishy queen, is to give yourself some room to be treated as you would treat others.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

June gloom may have passed, but the fog is still lingering in your life.  I suggest that you wait until it burns through by Wednesday, during which time you could attempt to return any sex toys that were unused.  By Thursday through the weekend, you’ll see your life with much more clarity, and you’ll be back to calling out b*tches for trying to put one over on you.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

A hungry betch is a cranky betch.  So here’s what I suggest.  Keep some snacks in your manpurse-of-the-week and in your glove compartment.  Trader Joe’s has some nuts n’ thangs that come individually wrapped in little bags WITHIN a huge bag!  Just keep yourself full, gurl, and the cranky will be less prominent, which will be a lot more important this week because an influential ho is watching your every move.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’ve been cool as a cucumber for a while, at least in the eyes of your peers and their moms.  This. Is. Not. The. Time. To. Lose. One’s. Shyt.  There are situations at play which will make this task difficult for you.  And by situations, I mean busted hos that can’t help but be busted.  Just think of this week as a test.  There is a fabulous prize at the end, and it’s gonna be a lot more than a year’s supply of Colorevolution Cosmetics, gurl!

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

I have 12 bones to pick, starting with…


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The waterworks will have to come later. You need to be gladiator-ing your way out of a current legal situation. There is no time for feeling sorry nor for feeding your emotions with cookies. Once you’re out of the shyt storm, let your posse be there for you. Each of them are gifted with varying levels of being able to put up with your mood swings. Don’t worry, they have a tag system. When one has had enough of your shyt, another one comes in to take the excess blow. It’s like an orgy with CAPRICORN participants.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Whatever it is that has a vice-like grip on your balls, it’s time for a divorce. Your balls need to hang free and get all the fresh air they need. This liberation is also important because there are other dramas out there that need your utmost attention. They are seriously piling up like unwatched episodes of The Night Shift in my Hulu queue. Divorce ain’t easy, but sometimes, it’s the only way, baby.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

I’m not going to sugar coat it: cluster f*ck won’t have anything on the events that will transpire on Monday. All you can do is take a deep breath and get through each cluster, one by one. It continues on Tuesday and Wednesday, where all of a sudden you find yourself Michael Bluth-ing your way through your family’s Haus of Shenanigans. Thursday will provide you with a much needed reprieve, and all of a sudden you find yourself back to your original programming: In bed by 9pm, and pre-made meals for the week. Truly, this week is so bipolar, you should just fight crazy with your own bag of organized cray-cray.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You are teetering on the brink of someone’s last gay nerve. It may be time to smooth things over with this ho. Wednesday is the perfect time to lay out all your shyt on the floor and make sure that you’re giving each of them equal priority. There is just too much and you could use some help in sorting this crap parfait all out. And do it fast, because this weekend, that phone will ring in new opportunities like there’s no tomorrow. Holla!

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

"There’s just one more thing," says the Universe, as you hop and skip through the shade detector. Apparently, you forgot your lunch, consisting of a PBJoy Sandwich and Greatness Nuggets with a side of Awesome Sauce. Yep, life is good. Normally I’ll throw a bunch of negativity at you so you’ll have something to swat away, but this time, I’ll allow it. But here’s the thang: this surge in happiness will cause you to stop suspecting things, which will cause other people to start suspecting your motives. I say just "eh" your way through the annoying naysayers. You haven’t been happy for a long time and this week is something you deserve, more than anyone knows.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I should just call you Spinarella, because of your innate ability to put a spin on anything, whether it’s a story, a state of mind or a box of crayons! Is this hereditary? Absolutely. And this week, you’ll find out exactly who gave you this remarkable trait. On Wednesday, being itchy to do something doesn’t even cover it. The gays are in play, so to speak, so use these hos to further your fun agenda. When your trick starts talking shyt about one of your friends on Thursday, you will ask him to pick up his G-String and leave. You’re that loyal. So what if you’re telling him to leave right after you’ve already f**ked him? This weekend, expect your jokes to land like a ton of bricks. But watch out: some people can’t handle that shyt.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

On Monday, expect the world to look at you like you’re an AQUARIUS, ‘coz lately, gurl, your ideas are a bit… alien. But this shouldn’t last long, when a ripple effect happens on Tuesday, putting the rest of the world in sync with your brain contents. For your date on Wednesday, take him to a museum. Nothing’s more fun than debating aesthetics, and let’s be honest. When it comes to judging queens by their looks, you’re the queen. Your diva is unleashed on Thursday, just in time for the rest of us to throw it back. It’s gonna be a war zone, hunty! But no worries, this weekend will provide you with serenity, a la “gurl on her way to yoga while sipping on her latte” serenity.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Those cracks on the ground has been brought to us by your dramatics. To your defense, you had a Eureka moment. But gurl, you really put that foot down! You are on to something big, and I’m not talking about your trick last weekend. But to implement this new plan, you have got to be in your best fighting shape. Pop a multi-vitamin, ingest some fish oil, and stay hydrated, lady! You can’t save the world while you’re coughing on all of us!

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Thanks to your dealer being out of town, you have finally reached a moment of clarity. I get it, you’d rather be hazy, but why not take this moment to think about which aspects of your life could use some improvements? What can you do to help yourself which you haven’t done because you’re too busy helping people get their shyt together? We get it, we can depend on you, but can we depend on you to take care of yourself? Find the time to nurture yourself. By the time your dealer gets back from vacay, you’ll be a new hazy person.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Setting out for a change in scenery is one thing; Actually doing the work to get there is another. The first step is taking care of unfinished business, like saying goodbye to your tricks: “Sorry, this won’t ever happen again… for a while.” The second step is making sure you’re not being too hasty about upcoming business proposals. If it sounds shady, it probably is. The third step is anticipating potential obstacles. ‘Coz honey, your end game has not been fully decided yet.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

On Monday, you will do everything in your power to keep it shenanigan-free. It’s understandable. Events around you are reaching new heights of epic proportions. There must be something in everyone’s Big Gulp. This is definitely a time when you have to leave the bullshit in the foyer in order to help yourself and some fellow queens reach a common goal, even though some of them queens, you don’t get along with. When you start working with them, do resist the urge to turn everything into a competition. When harmony is restored this weekend, you can kick them out of the house and put the bullshyt back on.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It’s time for you to get out of town. There’s a b*tch on the rampage, and she’s aiming for both of your faces. But don’t cue the panic button just yet. Calmly open your web browser and go to Travelocity or Living Social Escapes to plan your next getaway. Once you have made your arrangements, just go! Do not talk to Siri, do not collect $500, but do stop by Starbucks. Trust me, once you’re sunning yourself by the pool with a cold martini, you’ll be thanking the b*tch who drove you out of town. (Spoiler Alert: she would still be miserable and not on vacay)

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

Roll up your sleeves! There’s a reason they call it a “job.”


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Yeah, no… you’re not ready for this commitment just yet. I suggest really knowing who you are 90 percent. What about the other 10? That’s where the other party comes in. He/she can help you figure out the 10 percent. Wednesday will prove to be tricky when you tell the other person you’re not ready. Honey, say it with cupcakes. Not only will you soften the blow by the weekend, but you will also get rid of all that flour in your cupboard that’s about to expire. Okay? Okay.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

I say this with my version of love: Stop trying to regulate cliques other than yours! I get it, you’re loveable and you fit in any group, but once you start making demands on other cliques, the leader gets really protective and will tell you to BACK. THE EFF. OFF. Okay, now that that’s out of the way… Starting Wednesday, it might be a great idea for you to take some kind of hiatus. I sense that you know how to read a room so I would be repeating myself when I say, “the room doesn’t want to be read. Find another room.” By this weekend, things should go back to status quo and at the same time, you’ve had learned something new about yourself.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Doing another LOST super-marathon for the third time? Not gonna happen. Stop dwelling in the past. Just because you retread the same thing 50 times it doesn’t mean the ending will change. Focus on the present, but make sure it’s YOUR present, not someone else’s. Honey, it is time to be selfish. Things are changing all around you: get hungrier about the things you want. Put the bullshyt on mute and gently (but firmly) claim what’s rightfully yours.

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

That trip to Europe ain’t gonna pay for itself. You’ve been doing great saving up, but you need to double your efforts. More shyt will be arriving via the shyt o’ clock train and you’ll want to have all the resources you need to battle it. But wait! There’s more. On Wednesday you will be looking around your house and you’ll say, “What was I thinking buying those lamps?” Trust me, it ain’t just the lamps. You are due for a major overhaul. And while you’re at it, you really need to tell your assistant that an hour lunch does not a forty-five minute lunch make!

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

What a better way to start the week than a private dance-off! In your own bedroom! Assign yourself two opposing characters and let the fur fly! The persona who wins will be the one you’ll use for the week. It really is a win-win situation because each persona has her own set of skills that can motivate your minions to work more efficiently for you. BIG NEWS comes on Wednesday; one that will send your stinger spinning. The weekend brings a reaffirmation of your mission statement: Be the bad-ass diva that people will fear.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Okay, hold up. I hear you’re having a ridiculous case of peen-envy. You need to stop: yours is something to see. And believe me, I know, because it’s always out! In the gym bathroom, at the truck stop, at the beach… so please stop obsessing! Wednesday brings about the case of the giggles and well… not only are you cute when you giggle, but your giggles are infectious. Expect a flash mob of giggling queens by the end of the day. This weekend, you just want to touch everything. That rare fabric… my butt… the ridges of an old tree… my butt… No worries, you won’t get any complaints.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

(Let me just use my Olivia Pope voice with this one…) ::ahem:: Now you listen to me. What you do MATTERS. It matters. IT. MATTERS. You may not believe me right now. You may not believe me when you’re making your PBJ sandwiches in the morning so you can have something to snack on after the workout regimen that YOU MADE UP FOR YOURSELF. You may not believe me when it is POURING outside and you’re not INSIDE. But you WILL BELIEVE ME. I AM OLIVIA POPE and you WILL believe me. You will stop crying and you will get up from that toilet seat and you will believe ME. Do you understand? No, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Make me believe you. MAKE. ME. BELIEVE… okay, you got it.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will find that a lot of allegiances will fall off to the wayside as you rise to the top. That’s normal. Now these ex-allegiances are petty b*tches who want to see you fall, so that if you do, they can put on a smiley face and “console” you all over again. Rude, right? But with petty b*tches comes the real sisterhood. The sisterhood that will always have your back, no matter how much you put them off with your views on politics and religion. The sisterhood will see you for the unique individual you are. They will see you for the way you stick up for yourself and what you believe in. And they will take care of the petty b*tches who want to see you fail.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Somewhere in this universe, is a b*tch who is really out to get you. She has been plotting your demise for as long as she can remember. But here’s the thing: Once she gets closer to you on Wednesday, she will see that you’re not so bad.  She might even feel a twinge of regret for having you on her shyt list.  She might even put a halt on her vendetta against… okay let’s not get crazy.  A 180 just isn’t in her vocabulary.  Here’s my advice: Let her do her thing but just know that there is a line she can’t cross.  Like… cupcakes.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Ooh gurl.  Things just got cereal.  When you start to put a stake in your partner’s dealings, his friends and his situation, you know that things have changed in terms of your place in the equation.  For the first time, you are not trudging through and hoping everyone will jump on the bandwagon.  You’re actually taking the time to think before taking the next step!  I get it, I get it, but you’re not used to that mode of thinking.  Too much thinking, for you, can lead to paranoia, similar to the unsuspecting bloke who just ate a huge ka-chunk-ka-chunk of pot edibles.  I say take this new frame of mind one day at a time and I promise you, you won’t end up a nervous psychopath like me.

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

MOTHER… has arrived!  And by mother, I mean your irrational side.  Someone has sparked something inside of you, and you are going to let everyone else have it!  Expect Wednesday to be the climax of this volcanic eruption, where you’re just flipping b*tches left and right, gurl!  I do urge you to please try to take it easy on the elderly.  And no worries!  The cool down starts on Thursday, carrying through the rest of the week.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Leave it to you to mistake introspection with playing with yourself.  I get it: once you’re released and relaxed, you can actually focus on the big ideas that are floating around in your giant head.  Expect to implement these ideas in a huge way on Tuesday, and get ready to see results and strong reactions by Thursday.  But don’t let the outcry quiet down your ideas.  Put a stronghold on your inner shyt.  Focus.  I promise you, the results will surpass the excitement you feel when you treat your body like an amusement park.  Amen.

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

What you find in the attic of your parents’ house can open up a Pandora’s box of drama.

=====

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Technology is a b*tch. But don’t worry, you’re a bigger b*tch.

=====

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’re very interested but you’ll wanna bring in an engineer. You’ll require a long escrow, and if the furnace isn’t up to code, you’ll need it replaced. #miranda #satcquotes #brooklyn

=====

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s the perfect time to do an install in your life.

=====

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t let the drama in your home base ruin your vacay. Here, take my martini.

=====

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

If you can hop over the shyt shows, this weekend will be epic.

=====

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Don’t shut down this tacky person just yet; take her on as a challenge.

=====

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Things are sure to get nasty when a certain b*tch goes from annoying, to subcutaneous.

=====

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

It’s one of those times when your version of ditzy goes a long way.

=====

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

All clear! But wait, there’s more: I spoke too soon. :-/

=====

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t cancel the barbecue just yet! Instead, get yourself some healthier options.

=====

GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Who knew that taking up dance lessons would tap into your inner shyt?

=====

(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!