I have 12 bones to pick, starting with…
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
The waterworks will have to come later. You need to be gladiator-ing your way out of a current legal situation. There is no time for feeling sorry nor for feeding your emotions with cookies. Once you’re out of the shyt storm, let your posse be there for you. Each of them are gifted with varying levels of being able to put up with your mood swings. Don’t worry, they have a tag system. When one has had enough of your shyt, another one comes in to take the excess blow. It’s like an orgy with CAPRICORN participants.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Whatever it is that has a vice-like grip on your balls, it’s time for a divorce. Your balls need to hang free and get all the fresh air they need. This liberation is also important because there are other dramas out there that need your utmost attention. They are seriously piling up like unwatched episodes of The Night Shift in my Hulu queue. Divorce ain’t easy, but sometimes, it’s the only way, baby.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
I’m not going to sugar coat it: cluster f*ck won’t have anything on the events that will transpire on Monday. All you can do is take a deep breath and get through each cluster, one by one. It continues on Tuesday and Wednesday, where all of a sudden you find yourself Michael Bluth-ing your way through your family’s Haus of Shenanigans. Thursday will provide you with a much needed reprieve, and all of a sudden you find yourself back to your original programming: In bed by 9pm, and pre-made meals for the week. Truly, this week is so bipolar, you should just fight crazy with your own bag of organized cray-cray.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
You are teetering on the brink of someone’s last gay nerve. It may be time to smooth things over with this ho. Wednesday is the perfect time to lay out all your shyt on the floor and make sure that you’re giving each of them equal priority. There is just too much and you could use some help in sorting this crap parfait all out. And do it fast, because this weekend, that phone will ring in new opportunities like there’s no tomorrow. Holla!
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
"There’s just one more thing," says the Universe, as you hop and skip through the shade detector. Apparently, you forgot your lunch, consisting of a PBJoy Sandwich and Greatness Nuggets with a side of Awesome Sauce. Yep, life is good. Normally I’ll throw a bunch of negativity at you so you’ll have something to swat away, but this time, I’ll allow it. But here’s the thang: this surge in happiness will cause you to stop suspecting things, which will cause other people to start suspecting your motives. I say just "eh" your way through the annoying naysayers. You haven’t been happy for a long time and this week is something you deserve, more than anyone knows.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
I should just call you Spinarella, because of your innate ability to put a spin on anything, whether it’s a story, a state of mind or a box of crayons! Is this hereditary? Absolutely. And this week, you’ll find out exactly who gave you this remarkable trait. On Wednesday, being itchy to do something doesn’t even cover it. The gays are in play, so to speak, so use these hos to further your fun agenda. When your trick starts talking shyt about one of your friends on Thursday, you will ask him to pick up his G-String and leave. You’re that loyal. So what if you’re telling him to leave right after you’ve already f**ked him? This weekend, expect your jokes to land like a ton of bricks. But watch out: some people can’t handle that shyt.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
On Monday, expect the world to look at you like you’re an AQUARIUS, ‘coz lately, gurl, your ideas are a bit… alien. But this shouldn’t last long, when a ripple effect happens on Tuesday, putting the rest of the world in sync with your brain contents. For your date on Wednesday, take him to a museum. Nothing’s more fun than debating aesthetics, and let’s be honest. When it comes to judging queens by their looks, you’re the queen. Your diva is unleashed on Thursday, just in time for the rest of us to throw it back. It’s gonna be a war zone, hunty! But no worries, this weekend will provide you with serenity, a la “gurl on her way to yoga while sipping on her latte” serenity.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Those cracks on the ground has been brought to us by your dramatics. To your defense, you had a Eureka moment. But gurl, you really put that foot down! You are on to something big, and I’m not talking about your trick last weekend. But to implement this new plan, you have got to be in your best fighting shape. Pop a multi-vitamin, ingest some fish oil, and stay hydrated, lady! You can’t save the world while you’re coughing on all of us!
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Thanks to your dealer being out of town, you have finally reached a moment of clarity. I get it, you’d rather be hazy, but why not take this moment to think about which aspects of your life could use some improvements? What can you do to help yourself which you haven’t done because you’re too busy helping people get their shyt together? We get it, we can depend on you, but can we depend on you to take care of yourself? Find the time to nurture yourself. By the time your dealer gets back from vacay, you’ll be a new hazy person.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Setting out for a change in scenery is one thing; Actually doing the work to get there is another. The first step is taking care of unfinished business, like saying goodbye to your tricks: “Sorry, this won’t ever happen again… for a while.” The second step is making sure you’re not being too hasty about upcoming business proposals. If it sounds shady, it probably is. The third step is anticipating potential obstacles. ‘Coz honey, your end game has not been fully decided yet.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
On Monday, you will do everything in your power to keep it shenanigan-free. It’s understandable. Events around you are reaching new heights of epic proportions. There must be something in everyone’s Big Gulp. This is definitely a time when you have to leave the bullshit in the foyer in order to help yourself and some fellow queens reach a common goal, even though some of them queens, you don’t get along with. When you start working with them, do resist the urge to turn everything into a competition. When harmony is restored this weekend, you can kick them out of the house and put the bullshyt back on.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
It’s time for you to get out of town. There’s a b*tch on the rampage, and she’s aiming for both of your faces. But don’t cue the panic button just yet. Calmly open your web browser and go to Travelocity or Living Social Escapes to plan your next getaway. Once you have made your arrangements, just go! Do not talk to Siri, do not collect $500, but do stop by Starbucks. Trust me, once you’re sunning yourself by the pool with a cold martini, you’ll be thanking the b*tch who drove you out of town. (Spoiler Alert: she would still be miserable and not on vacay)
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!