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HEY SQUIRREL FRIENDS!


Horoscopes By Gil turns 3 next week! Thanks so much for putting up with my shyt! :)

I may do a “Fan Favorite” additional edition to celebrate three years of astrological shade. Please feel free to message me any of your favorite entries (it doesn’t have to be from your sign)!

SAMPLE MESSAGE:

Gil, I liked this from February 8, 2011:

“SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You. A. Ho.”

Gurl, you bettah know how to cut and paste! No worries, I’ll mention yo’ ass!

“Bye, Felicia!”

—Gil

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For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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FLAFLOOEY! It’s what’s for dinner.


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You have got to splash things up, you cutesy li’l creature of the sea! In doing so you would be putting smiles on people’s faces! For instance, one of your gal pals ain’t doing so well. Another one has been led astray and WHO KNOWS when that betch will find her bearings? Get off your crab tail and start re-connecting those dots. In these tough times, your moody betch act is just what we need for entertainment. So let all your watery goodness wash upon us! Amen.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

STEP ONE: Tone down the demands. STEP TWO: Make initial attempts to collaborate. STEP THREE: Once you’re in a group, begin to rise up to a mentoring capacity. STEP FOUR: Go against your own teachings but still make it work. AND STEP FIVE: Let go of the past.

These are the five steps that you need in order to have a very successful bake sale.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Shake off the past week like dog hair on a cashmere blanket. It’s OVAH! This is the week to usher in a new era of fantabulousness! But don’t be too flighty, gurl! As this new era can change to a new shyt show at a drop of a hat. Keep your wits with you. Don’t leave them in the glove compartment, or in your trick’s bathroom. On Wednesday you have got to be a team player, because your gays have had enough of your Negative Nancy-ness. They do have your best interests at heart, you’ll see. This weekend, prepare to bask in the sea of new fans.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Get thee to therapy. Whether it’s a spa treatment, an AA meeting or retail, you have got to take care of your abandonment issues! First of all, conceited much? Just because people are busy taking care of their own shyt doesn’t mean they’re neglecting you. Second, you have got to start looking at this as a martini glass half full situation. Your gays aren’t around? It shouldn’t be that difficult for you to charm the pants off a new set of hos and expand your dramatis personæ. So hop to it, Rico Suave!

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Set in your ways, much? That’s fine, but for Monday, you may want to choose your honey over your “Catch Up On DVR” night, and really, “Catch Up On DVR” is just another title for “I’m watching too much sh*tty TV.” On Wednesday, the 5-second rule applies for that donut, but you may want to think twice before picking it up in front of your boss. On Thursday, you bettah pick the right stilettos because you’ll be challenged to a walk-off, hunty! This weekend, you must think outside the box, including but not limited to your hoo-hah!

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I may be reaching here, but I know you don’t mind! The one thing you do mind is being overwhelmed, especially with expectations. Nip. That. Shyt. In the bud. Hos have got to realize that if power is assigned to you, then there must be a reason for that. Trust! With this new power comes a new juggling act. And gurl, I’ve seen you with a pile of plates; you’re gonna need some practice. But the one thing you’ve got going for you is that you always keep it cute, doll!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This week, you can’t help but smile. You’re smitten by someone or the idea of something new. It’s at the beginning stages and you know you shouldn’t put all your balls in one jockstrap but… You can’t help but deploy all the “what ifs” you can think of. I say get thee to a private area and “what if” away! You are strong enough to withstand it if none of it happens, and you’re strong enough to handle it if it does! The latter is scarier, of course.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

I get it.  You’re dealing with a nasty b*tch.  Here’s the thing.  This b*tch is on the defensive.  She’s as afraid of you as you are of her (though you’d never admit it).  I say just stand your ground and say your piece as non-confrontational as possible.  She won’t have any grounds to be defensive, and she’ll actually respect you.  Boom.  Boom.  Pow.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Oh, honey.  I don’t even know where to start.  If I say “you’re letting yourself be treated like a doormat,” you’ll just go, “gurl, that ain’t news to me.”  So here’s where I’ll go with this.  What’s done is done, and the best thing that you can do is to go back to treating yourself with a lot of respect.  I won’t stop you from acting selflessly.  I won’t stop you from looking out for the needs of others.  All I’ll ask of you, fishy queen, is to give yourself some room to be treated as you would treat others.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

June gloom may have passed, but the fog is still lingering in your life.  I suggest that you wait until it burns through by Wednesday, during which time you could attempt to return any sex toys that were unused.  By Thursday through the weekend, you’ll see your life with much more clarity, and you’ll be back to calling out b*tches for trying to put one over on you.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

A hungry betch is a cranky betch.  So here’s what I suggest.  Keep some snacks in your manpurse-of-the-week and in your glove compartment.  Trader Joe’s has some nuts n’ thangs that come individually wrapped in little bags WITHIN a huge bag!  Just keep yourself full, gurl, and the cranky will be less prominent, which will be a lot more important this week because an influential ho is watching your every move.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’ve been cool as a cucumber for a while, at least in the eyes of your peers and their moms.  This. Is. Not. The. Time. To. Lose. One’s. Shyt.  There are situations at play which will make this task difficult for you.  And by situations, I mean busted hos that can’t help but be busted.  Just think of this week as a test.  There is a fabulous prize at the end, and it’s gonna be a lot more than a year’s supply of Colorevolution Cosmetics, gurl!

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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I have 12 bones to pick, starting with…


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The waterworks will have to come later. You need to be gladiator-ing your way out of a current legal situation. There is no time for feeling sorry nor for feeding your emotions with cookies. Once you’re out of the shyt storm, let your posse be there for you. Each of them are gifted with varying levels of being able to put up with your mood swings. Don’t worry, they have a tag system. When one has had enough of your shyt, another one comes in to take the excess blow. It’s like an orgy with CAPRICORN participants.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Whatever it is that has a vice-like grip on your balls, it’s time for a divorce. Your balls need to hang free and get all the fresh air they need. This liberation is also important because there are other dramas out there that need your utmost attention. They are seriously piling up like unwatched episodes of The Night Shift in my Hulu queue. Divorce ain’t easy, but sometimes, it’s the only way, baby.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

I’m not going to sugar coat it: cluster f*ck won’t have anything on the events that will transpire on Monday. All you can do is take a deep breath and get through each cluster, one by one. It continues on Tuesday and Wednesday, where all of a sudden you find yourself Michael Bluth-ing your way through your family’s Haus of Shenanigans. Thursday will provide you with a much needed reprieve, and all of a sudden you find yourself back to your original programming: In bed by 9pm, and pre-made meals for the week. Truly, this week is so bipolar, you should just fight crazy with your own bag of organized cray-cray.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You are teetering on the brink of someone’s last gay nerve. It may be time to smooth things over with this ho. Wednesday is the perfect time to lay out all your shyt on the floor and make sure that you’re giving each of them equal priority. There is just too much and you could use some help in sorting this crap parfait all out. And do it fast, because this weekend, that phone will ring in new opportunities like there’s no tomorrow. Holla!

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

"There’s just one more thing," says the Universe, as you hop and skip through the shade detector. Apparently, you forgot your lunch, consisting of a PBJoy Sandwich and Greatness Nuggets with a side of Awesome Sauce. Yep, life is good. Normally I’ll throw a bunch of negativity at you so you’ll have something to swat away, but this time, I’ll allow it. But here’s the thang: this surge in happiness will cause you to stop suspecting things, which will cause other people to start suspecting your motives. I say just "eh" your way through the annoying naysayers. You haven’t been happy for a long time and this week is something you deserve, more than anyone knows.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I should just call you Spinarella, because of your innate ability to put a spin on anything, whether it’s a story, a state of mind or a box of crayons! Is this hereditary? Absolutely. And this week, you’ll find out exactly who gave you this remarkable trait. On Wednesday, being itchy to do something doesn’t even cover it. The gays are in play, so to speak, so use these hos to further your fun agenda. When your trick starts talking shyt about one of your friends on Thursday, you will ask him to pick up his G-String and leave. You’re that loyal. So what if you’re telling him to leave right after you’ve already f**ked him? This weekend, expect your jokes to land like a ton of bricks. But watch out: some people can’t handle that shyt.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

On Monday, expect the world to look at you like you’re an AQUARIUS, ‘coz lately, gurl, your ideas are a bit… alien. But this shouldn’t last long, when a ripple effect happens on Tuesday, putting the rest of the world in sync with your brain contents. For your date on Wednesday, take him to a museum. Nothing’s more fun than debating aesthetics, and let’s be honest. When it comes to judging queens by their looks, you’re the queen. Your diva is unleashed on Thursday, just in time for the rest of us to throw it back. It’s gonna be a war zone, hunty! But no worries, this weekend will provide you with serenity, a la “gurl on her way to yoga while sipping on her latte” serenity.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Those cracks on the ground has been brought to us by your dramatics. To your defense, you had a Eureka moment. But gurl, you really put that foot down! You are on to something big, and I’m not talking about your trick last weekend. But to implement this new plan, you have got to be in your best fighting shape. Pop a multi-vitamin, ingest some fish oil, and stay hydrated, lady! You can’t save the world while you’re coughing on all of us!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Thanks to your dealer being out of town, you have finally reached a moment of clarity. I get it, you’d rather be hazy, but why not take this moment to think about which aspects of your life could use some improvements? What can you do to help yourself which you haven’t done because you’re too busy helping people get their shyt together? We get it, we can depend on you, but can we depend on you to take care of yourself? Find the time to nurture yourself. By the time your dealer gets back from vacay, you’ll be a new hazy person.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Setting out for a change in scenery is one thing; Actually doing the work to get there is another. The first step is taking care of unfinished business, like saying goodbye to your tricks: “Sorry, this won’t ever happen again… for a while.” The second step is making sure you’re not being too hasty about upcoming business proposals. If it sounds shady, it probably is. The third step is anticipating potential obstacles. ‘Coz honey, your end game has not been fully decided yet.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

On Monday, you will do everything in your power to keep it shenanigan-free. It’s understandable. Events around you are reaching new heights of epic proportions. There must be something in everyone’s Big Gulp. This is definitely a time when you have to leave the bullshit in the foyer in order to help yourself and some fellow queens reach a common goal, even though some of them queens, you don’t get along with. When you start working with them, do resist the urge to turn everything into a competition. When harmony is restored this weekend, you can kick them out of the house and put the bullshyt back on.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

It’s time for you to get out of town. There’s a b*tch on the rampage, and she’s aiming for both of your faces. But don’t cue the panic button just yet. Calmly open your web browser and go to Travelocity or Living Social Escapes to plan your next getaway. Once you have made your arrangements, just go! Do not talk to Siri, do not collect $500, but do stop by Starbucks. Trust me, once you’re sunning yourself by the pool with a cold martini, you’ll be thanking the b*tch who drove you out of town. (Spoiler Alert: she would still be miserable and not on vacay)

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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Roll up your sleeves! There’s a reason they call it a “job.”


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Yeah, no… you’re not ready for this commitment just yet. I suggest really knowing who you are 90 percent. What about the other 10? That’s where the other party comes in. He/she can help you figure out the 10 percent. Wednesday will prove to be tricky when you tell the other person you’re not ready. Honey, say it with cupcakes. Not only will you soften the blow by the weekend, but you will also get rid of all that flour in your cupboard that’s about to expire. Okay? Okay.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

I say this with my version of love: Stop trying to regulate cliques other than yours! I get it, you’re loveable and you fit in any group, but once you start making demands on other cliques, the leader gets really protective and will tell you to BACK. THE EFF. OFF. Okay, now that that’s out of the way… Starting Wednesday, it might be a great idea for you to take some kind of hiatus. I sense that you know how to read a room so I would be repeating myself when I say, “the room doesn’t want to be read. Find another room.” By this weekend, things should go back to status quo and at the same time, you’ve had learned something new about yourself.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Doing another LOST super-marathon for the third time? Not gonna happen. Stop dwelling in the past. Just because you retread the same thing 50 times it doesn’t mean the ending will change. Focus on the present, but make sure it’s YOUR present, not someone else’s. Honey, it is time to be selfish. Things are changing all around you: get hungrier about the things you want. Put the bullshyt on mute and gently (but firmly) claim what’s rightfully yours.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

That trip to Europe ain’t gonna pay for itself. You’ve been doing great saving up, but you need to double your efforts. More shyt will be arriving via the shyt o’ clock train and you’ll want to have all the resources you need to battle it. But wait! There’s more. On Wednesday you will be looking around your house and you’ll say, “What was I thinking buying those lamps?” Trust me, it ain’t just the lamps. You are due for a major overhaul. And while you’re at it, you really need to tell your assistant that an hour lunch does not a forty-five minute lunch make!

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

What a better way to start the week than a private dance-off! In your own bedroom! Assign yourself two opposing characters and let the fur fly! The persona who wins will be the one you’ll use for the week. It really is a win-win situation because each persona has her own set of skills that can motivate your minions to work more efficiently for you. BIG NEWS comes on Wednesday; one that will send your stinger spinning. The weekend brings a reaffirmation of your mission statement: Be the bad-ass diva that people will fear.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Okay, hold up. I hear you’re having a ridiculous case of peen-envy. You need to stop: yours is something to see. And believe me, I know, because it’s always out! In the gym bathroom, at the truck stop, at the beach… so please stop obsessing! Wednesday brings about the case of the giggles and well… not only are you cute when you giggle, but your giggles are infectious. Expect a flash mob of giggling queens by the end of the day. This weekend, you just want to touch everything. That rare fabric… my butt… the ridges of an old tree… my butt… No worries, you won’t get any complaints.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

(Let me just use my Olivia Pope voice with this one…) ::ahem:: Now you listen to me. What you do MATTERS. It matters. IT. MATTERS. You may not believe me right now. You may not believe me when you’re making your PBJ sandwiches in the morning so you can have something to snack on after the workout regimen that YOU MADE UP FOR YOURSELF. You may not believe me when it is POURING outside and you’re not INSIDE. But you WILL BELIEVE ME. I AM OLIVIA POPE and you WILL believe me. You will stop crying and you will get up from that toilet seat and you will believe ME. Do you understand? No, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Make me believe you. MAKE. ME. BELIEVE… okay, you got it.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You will find that a lot of allegiances will fall off to the wayside as you rise to the top. That’s normal. Now these ex-allegiances are petty b*tches who want to see you fall, so that if you do, they can put on a smiley face and “console” you all over again. Rude, right? But with petty b*tches comes the real sisterhood. The sisterhood that will always have your back, no matter how much you put them off with your views on politics and religion. The sisterhood will see you for the unique individual you are. They will see you for the way you stick up for yourself and what you believe in. And they will take care of the petty b*tches who want to see you fail.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Somewhere in this universe, is a b*tch who is really out to get you. She has been plotting your demise for as long as she can remember. But here’s the thing: Once she gets closer to you on Wednesday, she will see that you’re not so bad.  She might even feel a twinge of regret for having you on her shyt list.  She might even put a halt on her vendetta against… okay let’s not get crazy.  A 180 just isn’t in her vocabulary.  Here’s my advice: Let her do her thing but just know that there is a line she can’t cross.  Like… cupcakes.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Ooh gurl.  Things just got cereal.  When you start to put a stake in your partner’s dealings, his friends and his situation, you know that things have changed in terms of your place in the equation.  For the first time, you are not trudging through and hoping everyone will jump on the bandwagon.  You’re actually taking the time to think before taking the next step!  I get it, I get it, but you’re not used to that mode of thinking.  Too much thinking, for you, can lead to paranoia, similar to the unsuspecting bloke who just ate a huge ka-chunk-ka-chunk of pot edibles.  I say take this new frame of mind one day at a time and I promise you, you won’t end up a nervous psychopath like me.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

MOTHER… has arrived!  And by mother, I mean your irrational side.  Someone has sparked something inside of you, and you are going to let everyone else have it!  Expect Wednesday to be the climax of this volcanic eruption, where you’re just flipping b*tches left and right, gurl!  I do urge you to please try to take it easy on the elderly.  And no worries!  The cool down starts on Thursday, carrying through the rest of the week.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Leave it to you to mistake introspection with playing with yourself.  I get it: once you’re released and relaxed, you can actually focus on the big ideas that are floating around in your giant head.  Expect to implement these ideas in a huge way on Tuesday, and get ready to see results and strong reactions by Thursday.  But don’t let the outcry quiet down your ideas.  Put a stronghold on your inner shyt.  Focus.  I promise you, the results will surpass the excitement you feel when you treat your body like an amusement park.  Amen.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

What you find in the attic of your parents’ house can open up a Pandora’s box of drama.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Technology is a b*tch. But don’t worry, you’re a bigger b*tch.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’re very interested but you’ll wanna bring in an engineer. You’ll require a long escrow, and if the furnace isn’t up to code, you’ll need it replaced. #miranda #satcquotes #brooklyn

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s the perfect time to do an install in your life.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Don’t let the drama in your home base ruin your vacay. Here, take my martini.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

If you can hop over the shyt shows, this weekend will be epic.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Don’t shut down this tacky person just yet; take her on as a challenge.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Things are sure to get nasty when a certain b*tch goes from annoying, to subcutaneous.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

It’s one of those times when your version of ditzy goes a long way.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

All clear! But wait, there’s more: I spoke too soon. :-/

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t cancel the barbecue just yet! Instead, get yourself some healthier options.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Who knew that taking up dance lessons would tap into your inner shyt?

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

If you swallow your pride, you may be able to ask a fellow VIRGO for help with your predicament.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’re so good at ruling your minions. Why not use the same energy towards your finances?

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s time to give back and I’m not talking about your failed attempt at twerking.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s the kind of day that includes the quote “Ugh! Get rid of her!”

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Nothing says “Red Carpet Event” more than being able to flip out on your stylist without judgment.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You know it’s for real when he shares his sex toys with you.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Within that no-fun facade lies a shady betch capable of dismantling cliques.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Debbie from accounting has a thing for you. Hopefully this means she will stop stealing your Greek yogurt. Hello, it’s clearly labeled!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

That moment when someone VIRGOs your plans by sucking all the fun out of it.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

What is it about July that makes you so damn moody and difficult to hang out with?

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Opt for a nice short steam instead of your usual volcanic rage.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

That shade has sailed.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Take it easy; Mossimo is all that fits you right now.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Teabagging: so in right now.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

S.Y.S: Simplify Your Shyt.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s mighty time for a crossover event. It could be good for ratings.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your ego is at full. Tread lightly around haters.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Summer fling, coming soon! No need to bust out your greatest moves. Just the fact that you exist will suffice.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

I get that you like to help out other queens, but this is also a competition.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You are now serving fish, but with a little more vulnerability.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Dress for the position you are opting for. Irrelevant if you want to be a writer.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Don’t be flashin’ your junk at me. We’re friends.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Oh and while you’re at the local Target, don’t forget to pick up a fight with the manager, HOkay?!.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Today, shade is best served as an appetizer.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

That moment when AT&T gives you a deal on unlimited data.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Apparently, plaid is not a choice; it’s a lifestyle.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t rejoice just yet; there’s a big ball of awful coming your way. No worries. Balls, you can handle.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

When someone puts you on full blast, you will do nothing but shine.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Power isn’t always a good thing. Too much can make you all veiny and evil. #darkwillow

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

With you, there is no such thing as a Walk of Shame. It’s more like the Skip-and-Trip-and-Fall-on-Your-Face-But-it-Don’t-Matter-Because-You-Gots-Laid.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Nothing’s more official than Facebook Official.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Someone’s growing a little rosier in your eyes. Don’t get pricked by her thorns!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Who you put to work may reflect what kind of diva you really are.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

If you pull on the leash, your daddy will stop. You’ve been warned.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

I told you: fighting your sugar baby’s battles will only result in mayhem, or in your case, “gayhem.”

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

When you get your groove back, don’t be surprised to find it’s been used.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Something weird is going on and you can’t put your finger on it. Oh, right. You’re getting OLDER.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Give in to the quiet. At least until your shade meter is at full.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’re always fighting for something. It’s the whole point.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Shyt Show Fest 2014. Until Sunday only.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Hey Maleficent! Your potion is done. One drop goes a long way. Like GHB.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Why. Is. Everyone. Talking. Like. Olivia’s. Father. On. Scandal?

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Airing your grievances on Facebook will not help resolve them. Just list down the issues on an actual, physical page and work on checking them off, one by one.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You’re the shepherd. Everyone else is sheep. Baa.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

What’s cute on Friday and Saturday may be too much on Sunday. In other unrelated news, you’re pretty touchy-feely.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

That shade you ordered last week has finally come in the mail. Free shipping!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Relax. It’s just an Instagram pic.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Oh, dear! This weekend, your sugar daddy is more like Splenda.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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TODAY, you will win people over by—


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

—your motherly instincts.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

—your ability to manage a three-way phone conversation.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

—your ability to give in to the things that matter.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

—the tone you use with the Pottery Barn representative.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

—not ripping them a new hole.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

—relying on that BOO-TAY!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

—doing an all-nighter to get those oh-so boring spreadsheets done.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

—not offering them your actual koo-koo opinion.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

—your bend and snap (with a twist).

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

—your ability to grab life by the balls (not too tight and not too loose).

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

—the connections you have at Harrah’s Casino.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

—doing the extra leg work on that runway!

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!