Who ordered the shade?
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Monday is Double-Duty Day! On your way home from a trick, help out the needy. Go all out on Tuesday and volunteer at a soup kitchen. Rack up those karma points! Just make sure you tell Karma your bank account # ‘coz she be needin’ to direct deposit that shyt! Wednesday, you take a turn for the moody. It’s just the summer blues and all those early “Back-To-School” commercials just bogging you down. I say just start small, concentrate on one-on-one time with each of your gays, and by this weekend, you’ll be ready for massive amounts of shindiggery!
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
On Monday, whatever your power source may be, whether it’s a wand, or a rod, or a staff, you’ll need to harness it. And always remember to start at the tip, hunty! You’ll get to see a load of results on Tuesday, putting your confidence meter back to full by Wednesday. When you lord over people on Thursday, make sure you do it shade-free, and with all the precision you can muster. This is the time to really hunker down and get some shyt done. Because by this weekend, the culmination of your work will be seen. And dahling, get ready for a lot of “oohs” and “aahs.”
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
There seems to be some kind of tug-of-war happening between you, and your saboteur. Who is this saboteur, you may ask? Well honey, it’s you! I could go into detail how this all began a loooong time ago, with a b*tch named Doubt, but no one’s up for a history lesson now, right? Here’s the thing. Your work speaks for itself. And when that work speaks, there is no shred of doubt. She ain’t even in the room.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
During the first half of the week, you’ll be on walk-on-eggshells mode at your job. Just stick to doing actual work; no Facebooking nor Googling “Justin Theroux bulge” on that ‘puter. There’s a bug up your boss’s ass - it has nothing to do with you, but at the same time, you don’t want to place yourself in the line of fire. The second half of the week, one of you gays will lay a big one on you. It’s quite the game changer so you bettah not have carpal tunnel syndrome ‘coz you’ll be holding on to that joystick for a while.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Gurl, I know you’ve gotten quite an itch. No worries, it’s not something you got from a trick. Rather, it’s an itching to go somewhere. This itch has been bugging you for weeks, but you’ve just been brushing it off with: “I’ll get to it later.” Well honey, expect that itch to get a lot itchier this week, leaving you with no choice but to scratch it with a nice li’l visit to an ex. And by ex, I mean Expedia, dahling!
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
You are SO. OVER. WORK. It’s because your co-workers are so over it too, causing some kind of chain reaction at the office. But here’s the thing, diva: you can cause the opposite chain reaction by actually doing the work and inspiring everyone to do theirs. And no worries. Once you start, you’ll start to enjoy how it feels to be on top of things again. This weekend, a special guest star will grace you with her presence. So go for drinks with this squirrel friend and create your own flashback episode.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Make sure your loins are protected. Some massive work shyt is about to come crashing down on your ass this week, and no, it won’t be like the time you slept with Mr. “Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!” It’s not just work. Everyone’s in such a sh*tty mood lately and are more content hurling sweet li’l nasties at each other rather than dealing with what’s going on with themselves. Don’t erupt like Mt. Shade just yet. Let these hos get it all out of their system and once everything is over, you’ll have a line of apologetic wankers outside of your office.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
UGH. You have been so MIA lately! We could be more annoyed, but I know you haven’t been around because you’ve been revving up that good ol’ workout regimen again. You were like, “wait, it’s summer? I need my bah-day!” Just don’t forget to give your gays a call once you’re satisfied with your fabulous physique. We would love to do cheat day brunch with you!
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
You’ve caught something. It all started with this guy in the bathhouse. He gave you something and… you’re hoping it won’t clear up anytime soon, because he gave you the LOVEBUG! Oh, dear. May God save your family, friends, and their moms, who will have to do everything in their power not to roll their eyes in your presence while they watch you skip around town with that googley look in your face. Oh, hey, check out this article!
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Love them hashytags? Here’s your week: #mondayblues #ugh #boss #worksucks #powerplay #whosgotthelongestdick #aboveit #humpday #lookingforward #provider #sweetie #couple #gala #weekend #blessed
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
Something clicked this past weekend and now all of a sudden, you’re Mr. Dynamic. You’ve gotten more charming, more delightful, and you seem to have mastered the skill of getting your ideas across without any put-ons nor any unnecessary verbal drizzle. But your own posse seems impervious to it. They still see you as a conniving little tw@t. What’s up with that? Maybe there’s something you’re not seeing. Or maybe it has nothing to do with you. Either way, you should probably get to the bottom of it.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
You’re at the end of a long journey so I suggest you end it with a bang. I’m not saying the good times will end. Another chapter is about to begin, and this one’s filled with flowers, singing animals, dancing dinner plates… it can’t help but get a G-rating. This new chapter is happy-go-lucky, that even the occasional annoyance produced by your neighbor or roommate will not be enough to dampen your spirits.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!