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This shade has been certified as 100% organic, hunties!


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Well. You’ve pretty much declared war on a certain b*tch. Normally I wouldn’t sanction such a drastic action, but in this case, it’s completely justified. You have been wronged, and in the past, you have waved off the pain whenever it’s been brought up. But, starting today, enough is enough. With the full support of friends and loved ones, you are now free to unleash those meticulously manicured claws. #ivehaditwiththisbitch

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

When it comes to finishing touches, no one does it better than thou. Unlike most gays, you know exactly the amount of drama to infuse on any facade or situation. And it’s not like you have to focus too much either. You have that natural ability to hone in on the aesthetic value of any object or person (no matter how shyt show-y) and emphasize it, all while you’re holding a Stoli martini with a twist. This is why you have great, adoring fans. No doubt about it: you are the cilantro that everyone wants on their dish.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

During a show and tell walkthrough at the agency, people may mistake your comments as “brutal.” They are right, but on the other hand, they may be influenced by your reputation as a no-holds barred, straight-up diva who derives pleasure at shooting down ideas. It’s an unfair reputation, as you know. At the same time, you shouldn’t give a damn. Your “brutal-ness” helps you and your company come up with high-end, high-quality products that always wipe out the competition. Few b*tches are as passionate as you, and the ones who are close to you—the ones that matter—recognize that.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Out of your element much? I can tell by the way you’re sweating; or the way you try to wiggle yourself out of certain social situations, like I would when I really have to pee. You make it look cute, by the way. What I’ve always admired about you, besides your horse ass, is your ability to embrace discomfort. You take it on as a challenge, and you make it look fun. Your sense of adventure is what will save you this difficult week, but then again, when has it not?

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

In life, as there are certain b*tches who are with you all the way, there are ones who are just complete morons who are unable to see the big picture. These imbeciles have no specific direction in life, and they aimlessly move and bump into walls like a Roomba (available at Homo Depot). This week, prepare for this latter kind to keep getting in your way. Know that it’s not personal. They’re not aiming for you; they’re aiming at nothing. The generous thing to do is to grab each of them by the shoulders, and face them in the direction that’s best for each of them.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You can argue any political issue on the table without breaking a sweat. Your reputable sense of aloofness helps you navigate the difficult waters of debate without making it personal. This is because all the personal shyt you harbor are kept in that big ass urn that you carry on your shoulder. Well this week, prepare for that moment you accidentally drop that urn. It’ll shatter in nice little pieces, letting all that personal shyt out. It’ll be interesting. It’ll be magical. And like I said, political issues, you can argue. Magic, you simply can’t.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You have reached some sort of gay catharsis with your lover, or a real close gay. Roles have been modified; new understandings have come forth. Indeed, the past few weeks have been harrowing, to say the least, but rest assured, the aftermath that comes underway this week will be akin to new flowers that bloom in the spring. Know that although true resolution is still a couple of weeks away, this week brings the promise, the reminder, that whatever that resolution will be, you can get past it unscathed.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

A transition is underway, as judged by all the emotional bullshyt that your constituents are hurling at you and at each other. But, negative or not, these outbursts are all passionate reactions to change. And even though people are arguing, yelling and throwing things at each other, you recognize a certain beauty about the scene. It’s like this transition has given you a slow motion filter, and you’re able to capture and savor every moment. Whatever the destination will be, you won’t forget these moments anytime soon.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Sexual innuendos aside, have you checked your oil lately? Vehicular shade is on the rise this week, and I just wanted to give you the heads up on the two kinds. The first kind is internal and it has everything to do with the upkeep of your auto baby: make sure she’s up to date! The second kind of vehicular shade is external and much more difficult to control. In fact, the only thing you can control about external vehicular shade is your reaction. Because the more you expect that b*tches in Range Rovers or Priuses will cut you off, the less your temper will rise.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

This week, it’s like all aspects of your life decided to call you at 2 AM to say, “I need help!” Although you live for any kind of shyt show, whether it’s some horrible drag performance or a funny remark your messed up friend emitted out of his ass, the kind that has to do with you, you can’t handle! But trust that your network of gays are available and more than happy to give you a helping hand (and some, a helping handjob), and it should be much easier for you to get through this week. Just don’t call them at 2 AM, unless you want them to put you on “BLOCK.”

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Between that powerful top who’s eager to explore your bottom and that workload of yours… something’s gotta give! And by the looks of it, that something is going to be your temper. And quite honestly, this release is something that we welcome, as lately, we’ve been wondering if you are capable of such emotion. You spend so much time taking care of us that you forget to take care of yourself and your needs. This week, voicing them out (and loudly so) will be your first step in getting a handle on things.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This week, a focus grows inside of you. It’s like the noises in your gayborhood have evaporated, and all you hear are birds chirping. This focus is the result of you finding your voice. You are finally able to make your mark in the world and the stars have aligned to make sure that mark f*cking stays. With this focus, you are able to minimize the chaos produced by your everyday constituents. With this voice, you are able to say, “Where’s my Starbucks?” with great conviction.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

P.S. I’m on Twitter, betch!

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Rated T for… T.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s time to reassess the group dynamic. A shuffle is in play and you may not want to hear the next song. You seek balance. For every misinformed frenemy exists another that has her shyt together. Listen to your gay innards. Don’t rely on the physical symmetry. Your gut will tell you who you’ll need when the crucial times come.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You may think that the trying times are coming again, but really, it’s because you’re coming off THAT way. Do not underestimate your power to influence your future. You may get another shyt show in the future, but it won’t be the same as the last one. Hone in on the parts that are f*cktabulous, and a new mindset will grow. If that doesn’t work, get some EX-LAX.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Get ready to play Tetris… with your life (::echo:: “life, life, life…”)! A merging is underway, and although it’s happening very slowly, once it’s in lock, it’s in lock forever, betch. Use all the time you have to shift aspects of your life: career, your manz, your gays, your fam into suitable positions before the merging shapes connect. It won’t be easy, but I have a feeling you’re destined for a HI-SCORE.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Recent changes in your life has forced you to act all serious because you feel all grown up and shyt.  I think that’s bull.  Honesty, the only way you can move past this current phase is to reach into yourself, and touch base with the child inside of you.  She’s annoying as hell, but her innocent way of viewing your current sitch will give you a fresher perspective on the bigger picture.  So put her in a Strawberry Shortcake dress, and let that betch out!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

We’ve all let you get all holed up with your menz.  We didn’t call you; we looked the other way when you were posting selfies of you and yo menz on Instagrams: we left yo ass alone.  But we call time on that shyt, Ms. Goat.  It’s time to be with your people and return to being a functioning member of society.  At the very least, you can dish on us about your current relaysh.  No worries, your menz ain’t going anywhere.  He probably needs a breather from you too!  

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Walking on eggshells: definitely not your style.  But everyone around you has been on f*cking edge lately, so I would step back, at least until the end of Tuesday.  When that b*tch Wednesday comes, it’s back to regular business hours.  And during regular business hours, you have no time for people acting like fools.  Like your grandma says, you should live and let live, but if they pee on your garden, you bettah hose off the muthaf**kers.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

A different approach is needed to tackle a certain person.  It’s not your usual way of doing things, but the reason there is a disconnect is because both of you are functioning on different planes.  From the looks of it, this person will not meet you at your plane, so you can try to get down/up to her level and approach her again.  Doing so will get her to notice you, no doubt, and although she may not necessarily bend to your will, she will respect your efforts.  And respect goes a long way these days.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Clutter is a b*tch.  Not only does it mess with your physical surroundings, it can also mess with your brain.  It’s quite contagious too, as clutter can influence the way you interact with your loved ones.  When clutter exists, it can tarnish your soul and scramble your vision.  And so everyone around you may not be getting your true essence and in turn, treat you like you’re a flake.  I think it’s clear what you have to do here.  Clean your shyt up.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You seem to have lost part of your foundation.  I can’t think of another reason why you’ve been a bit zigzaggy lately.  From mood swings to impulse buys, surely you can understand why everyone is having trouble keeping up with your hot trail.  The interesting thing is, you know exactly where that part of your foundation is located, so what’s up with the act?  Ask yourself if this deliberate attempt to make it seem like you’re on shaken ground is a cry for help.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You may want to hold off before you start broadcasting to your gays about your latest trip to The Pleasure Chest.  At least one of them has major news to impart, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you get started on the intricacies of what brand of poppers to get at the counter, there is no shutting your pie hole.  Would it make you feel better if I told you that your friend’s news can somehow benefit you?  That’s what I thought.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Hey Nancy Drew!  This week, you’re up to task for solving the case of your misguided hoohah.  I think you know that lately, a lot of what she says is total horsesh*t.  So how do you get to the bottom of this mystery?  I say tackle it old school.  Look for clues around her.  I’m pretty sure there are certain stimuli that gets her quivering, and certain ones that make her clamp the f*ck up.  Make a list.  Test different variables.  Form a hypotheis.  You’d be surprised at how the answer was right in front of you all along.  

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

WARNING: You may be OD-ing on a certain state of mind.  Symptoms include (1) your friends roll their eyes when you talk about your latest hobby; (2) your Instagram likes are beginning to dwindle; and (3) even you are tired of hearing the way you talk about said hobby.  The biggest challenge for you is to really feel the benefits of this new change, without any validation from anybody else.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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By the way, I’m on tw@tter. Follow my tw@ts. @horoscopesbygil


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s one week until the season premiere. The good news is, you finally have some down time! Time for you to reflect on the past couple of months (i.e. which b*tch in your posse didn’t last? Who did?) and also time to get used to the new swing of things. Because next week, the new hos on the block are moving in. You have very little time to figure out which part of this new land is your turf… until you have to start defending it. The final season is near.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

If you’re not used to being told whayoushobedoin, then don’t get a roommate! I swear if I get one more complaint from you, I will go nanchuckilicious on yo ass. Here’s the thing. Complaints can only get you so far. Once you’re at the point where you can do something to correct what you’re complaining about, it is up to you to take action. Easier said that done, right? Yeah for a non-confrontational procrastinator, it definitely is. Honey you may want all peace and quiet in your hizzy but that ain’t the reality. Huzzah!

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This week is all about choices and repercussions. And I’m not talking about whether you should get poppers or keep sticking with the lube. I’m talking about actual life-changing decisions. If you were a WB show (I’m showing my age), there’ll be promos of you waiting on the subway platform with a wistful look on your face. Should you, or should you not? Your wistful look is real pretty, by the way. But I digress. There is no absolute perfect choice. I say weigh the repercussions of each choice. Pit them against each other. The lesser of two evils wins.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Although you stumbled at the gate, it was a cute little trip. From Tuesday and on, the world opens up in front of you like a close friend or your trick from a couple days ago (and gurl, you and I both know that sometimes, you have trouble keeping track). Trust that although it won’t be a complete smooth sail for a while, that your innards are telling you that you have what it takes, and also that you may want to ease up on the spicy foods. By this weekend, you should feel a little bit more confident with your new world.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

I may just start calling you Taskmaster Flex, because the way you lay down the groundwork for your new endeavor, puts the rest of us OCD b*tches to shame. You have stomped your foot and declared, “I’m the queen,” and whoever questions you will be subjected to your icy stare. It’s a bit dramatic, but this is exactly the kind of mode you need to be in because your plan for the rest of the year cannot stray, not even by a hair. It’s a f*cktastic plan, and once it’s revealed, we will all be left gagging.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

“This one’s on me,” you say as both your hands come in contact with the stripper pole. This week, you will be giving us quite the show. It will be an emotional journey, whether you are teasing us with your frontal assets, hypnotizing us with your leg acrobatics, or confusing us with the way you lick your lips. A lot of gifts have been bestowed upon you this past summer, and this dance is your way of giving back (a lot of back) to the community. Thanks, gurl!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Look, I get it. You’re a peaceful creature. You don’t like to make too many waves or cause any confrontations amongst your constituents. But when it comes to biznits, I suggest you take a much firmer approach. If you want people who work for you to do something for you, it’s not best to heehaw and “um” and “maybe you could” everything. Giving precise, specific instructions will garner you the respect that you deserve as leader. The ladeedah act will only cause people to be like, “how did this betch become my boss?”

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This is not the way you should be ending things. There are people and circumstances that have gotten you to where you are, and quite honestly, you are subconsciously turning your back on them. Do not let the future blind you into thinking that the present doesn’t matter. What you do right now matters. Things could still change, diva. And if they take a turn for the worse, those people who have helped you in the past might not be so forgiving.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This is the week that you’ll be calling out (with a big ass megaphone, mind you) anything that you’re feeling. To the outside party you will look like an overgrown child who’s throwing a temper tantrum, but to the rest of us who know you like the back of our favorite credit card, will say, “it’s about damn f*cking time.” You have pursed your lips for the past few months, always nodding and smiling, no matter how busted your posse’s antics are. But last week, a light switch inside you was turned on, and now you’re ready to bust out. May Goddess help us all.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your people are really getting antsy. You sense that there is a minor upset in the equilibrium of things. You know what you have to do, but you are being stopped by fears of financial ruin. Since when are you unwilling to take a risk? The past is past and there were some sh*tty times, but this is not the time to be losing faith in yo ass. Things are changing, ma’am, and this really should be the time when you’re trying to come up with the best way to capitalize on this change and make a comeback. Do not falter now, betch, or the wolves will eat you alive, ya heard?

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Ah yes. You have toiled and toiled the past couple of weeks, and now it’s time for you to let loose. And by loose, I mean a giant f*cking black hole. Consider this horoscope my press release to the other gays out there who are about to come in contact with you. Oh, they will be subjected to a lot of groping, slobbery kisses, and free drinks. Some may even feel the sting of your “I f*cking hate you” outbursts that come from nowhere. I’m not gonna lie. You’re gonna be a hot mess. By the time you’re done, the gayborhood will be turned upside down.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’re feeling pressure to change. It’s because people around you are f*cking pairing up, buying white picket fence f*cking houses, and going off on their own f*cking journeys. You may not show it, but in the back of your pretty li’l brain you are afraid of not being able to catch up. I think it’s okay to feel that way. I just don’t think that you should let it paralyze you. Everyone gets their own time to strut their stuff down the runway of life. You’re just at the back of the line. Because you’re the showstopper. The lasting image.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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Corn. Chowdah.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

On Monday, expect a different “thumbs up” from the one you’re used to. This one is more… of the physical contact variety. On Tuesday, don’t nobody mess with your pie chart unless they want to be ripped a new pie hole! Hump day is the day to eliminate your soul of useless cobwebs. Your hoo-hah could use a little bit of dusting as well. Thursday is the day to sit one of your gays down. She may not be too keen on the plan but you bettah make sure she doesn’t mess anything up for both of you. Finally, this weekend is the perfect time to film your music video at the beach.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s makeover week! And honey, the way to makeover your soul is by beautifying everything around you! From spritzing the homeless with CK Be (so 90’s!) to transforming your home into a page from Home & Garden, you will not stop until your eyes and tastes are satisfied. Busted hos will be running to you with all their questions about hair, make-up, clothing and shoes — and you will give them the answers they need without even a mask of annoyance. Expect your karma points to double by the end of the week.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

If you want to leak your sex “tape,” all you have to do is find the nearest SAGITTARIUS and open with, “this is not for public consumption, but…” then give him the flash drive with the file. Wait three minutes and voila! That file will be out faster than an awkward b*tch during dodgeball. But gurl, you know that once it’s out there, it’ll always be out there, especially if it’s the worst sex tape ever.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

New environment, new politics. This week will be all about your first attempts to break the ice with the new resident mean gurl. Whatever the result, will set the tone for the rest of your working relationship with this betch. Since you’re a newbie, I suggest that you woo the ho. She does know the whos and the whats of this new place, and although she has permanent side eye and has scales for a skin, she does want you to stick around, as long as you say out of her way.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

When something big is plopped on you on Monday, you can’t help but plan around it. And planning involves so much: you gotta measure it, take pictures of it, weigh it, rest your head on it… and gurl no worries. I am fully aware of the old adage, “know before you take it in.” On Wednesday, skip the meet and greet and get to the bottom of a shady operation. It’ll unnerve your constituents but once you have exposed the shade, you’ll be seen as a hero. On Sunday, watch the fruits of your labor fall on your face. Plop-plop-ploppity plop!

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Work has been soooo annoying lately. It’s definitely time to start planning a vacay. It’ll give you the surge you need to get you through the rest of the week. Wednesday isn’t the day to make a splash in your world ‘coz in doing so, you’ll be in competition with a lot of other queens. Just watch from the sidelines and jot down their weaknesses. They will come in handy one of these days. Don’t use Waze this weekend. She’s been such a nasty b*tch lately.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

On Monday, home is where the heart is, and whether home is your immediate sweetie or your pet turtle, you will be showing them nothing but love. Hump day signals a complete 180 when you start suspecting everyone of taking advantage of you. I swear, sometimes, you can be so bicoastal. No worries, your bad mood is merely an accidental bad setting. Just reach back and fiddle with the green switch. This weekend, a gay is in trouble, but when you ask her what’s wrong, she be clamming up on you. Go around her and find out what she’s not telling you, and that will lead you to the key to her salvation.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Starting Monday, your world turns into an ice skating rink, and you turn into a clumsy SAGITTARIUS. I’m not gonna lie. The next couple of days will be like this. Just stay close to the railing until the music stops on Wednesday. Thursday eases up on you, but you still have got to play it safe. You’re not the only one who will benefit from this. Once the light turns green this weekend, you can go back to your usual antics.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

For some people, the unstable can be stable. Although you’re not one of them, on Monday, you will be. It’s the expectation of the unexpected that will ground you, Mr. Bull. On Wednesday, expect some conflict to develop when your wife meets your work wife. Once you have appeased both parties (your wife takes priority, duh) the dust should settle on Thursday. The weekend may turn sour if you let a chip on your shoulder take over your attitude.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

That’s the thing about silent treatments. When you start it, you’re the only one who can really end it. But ending it will be very tricky, so you’ll need a third party to be advisor and liaison. The advisor part, not so pleasant, but the liaison part is the key to the prize. You’ll get an earful, but really absorb the magnitude of the read. And once she’s led you to your frenemy, it’ll be up to you to make amends.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Starting Monday, thanks to a jolt of super juice, you begin laying down the groundwork for your next reinvention. The process will invigorate you this upcoming season, but it’s not without its hardships. Not only are the people around you moving on with their lives (some may be leaving), there are also sacrifices that you have to make within you to make this change. Don’t take anything for granted. Allow yourself to be calculating at times; it will make you seem unfeeling like your heart is made out of stone but it really is just a grounding mechanism for all the warmth that exists inside of you.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Why are you talking like a weird person? It’s like you’re melding different kinds of British accents. Are you practicing for a role or are you just trying to annoy us? The outfits are a little strange as well. It’s okay to shop for cROSS-dress-for-less (believe me, it’s where I get my f*ck-me-pumps) but do you have to wear your clothes all at the same time? On top of each other? Here’s the sitch, dahling. Whatever phase you’re going through, rest assured, I will still judge you the same way I judge everybody else.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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::spilling my vodka martini:: Sh*t!


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Monday is “Minion Delegation Day.” And gurl, you bettah make sure every single one of your gays has something to do. And by the way, it’s never too early to start campaigning for Prom Queen. In the past, your Prom Queen persona has been “calculating betch behind a warm, caring face,” but this year, everyone foams at the mouth when they hear “collaboration.” So don’t be just a beautiful queen. BE a beautiful queen who has an effective, yet gorgeous team (fire Stacey) behind her. Doing so will cement your place in the Prom Queen Hall of Fame.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Gurl, I know you’re used to dealing with stupid people, but this week, it’s like they multiplied. Apparently, in your vicinity, there’s some kind of Stupid People Factory that just keeps spitting out these busted bitches! While it’s not possible for this factory to shut down, you can view these hos as contributors to your exercise in patience. And hey, you can always make these idiots believe there’s an Idiot Convention somewhere they can go to #idiotcon2014. That should clear them out of your gayborhood.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This. Is. The. Week. Everything. Clicks. Clear out the dry erase, and make sure you have all your biggest issues at the top of the list, as starting Monday, your mental capacity will f*cking soar. Ooh, gurl. On Wednesday, I know you pride yourself in being a reserved little tw@t, but get ready for a surge of animalistic passion within you. All the flora and fauna have been alerted, hunty! They know to stay the f*ck away from the crossfire. And this weekend, as you’re forever the Queen of Balance, you will allow the stasis to set in as you look back at the shyt shows and highlights of the past week with great fondness.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Okay gurl, I’m gonna give it to you straight this week. Stop singing Sia in the shower, because only Sia can do Sia, lady! The walls are thin and they’re not gaining anymore of an appetite hearing you sing. And hunty, I’m doing you and our neighbors a favor with this T. And here’s the tip: Start with the Britney for a couple of days, and then move on to a nicely paced Rihanna vocal (translation: slow and lazy) and then you can attempt to Katy Perry it by the weekend. Doing the XTina riffs would not be recommended at this point. Save it for next week, cricket! P.S. Leave Celine alone. Don’t even look at her, don’t even think about her. Got it?

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

“Tweet, tweet, tweet.” All the little birds are singing in celebration of your existence. “Tweet, tweet, tweet,” as they gather up grass and twigs, intertwining them to make an earthy muthaf*cking goddess of a dress. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the crown is next, as they each contribute a part of their self-made nest to make you a crown. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the scepter is presented, made out of bamboo and sunflower seeds. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the birds play P.R. as they borrow your Twitter account, announcing to the masses of your red carpet appearance at Hollywood and Highland. Wake the f*ck up.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The Invasion of the Individuality Snatchers has begun. Starting this Monday, it’s official: You have been absorbed into the cult called “We.” “We are going to the farmer’s market.” “We prefer staying at home on Friday nights.” “We don’t like this movie.” “We are going vegetarian.” “We are planning a trip to the Maldives.” “We have converted into Apple.” But no worries. I’m holding the “I” for you. And when you’re ready, please stop by my apartment to get it. Just don’t wait too long. Everything has an expiration date.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You do know the meaning of “ex,” right? Just in case you have forgotten, let me refresh your memory. EX means: (1) “he is no longer,” (2)“the mangina has closed,” (3)“no more awkward dinners at his controlling sister-in-law’s house,” (4) “’Walking on eggshells’ has officially expired,” (5) “an increase in awkward run-ins on Santa Monica Boulevard while you have a big scoop of gluten yogurt in your mouth,” (6) “sorry b*tch, I’ve changed the locks,” and (7) “that cock has sailed.” So why the f*ck is he in your living room, gnawing on your Pop Tarts?

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Work it! This week, you’re the hot gay newbie in WeHo. Expect lots of lingering enticing looks from the locals! And by locals, I don’t mean the ones that shuttle in from Valencia on the weekends. You bettah be forking over some dough for some wi-fi and 4G LTE, because your grindrjackedscruff app will erupt in volcanic proportions. But with great power, comes the possibility of waking up in the middle of the car wash on SMB and Palm. So find a balance between flaunting your shyt and watching your back. It’s only your first week.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Oh dear. I don’t think Instagram has ever been f*cked over this hard by you. She can’t even walk a straight line at this point. Did she enjoy it? If she did, she was probably faking it, sir. And you know she’d be telling all her friends, Sitonmyfacebook and Tw@tter the muthaeffin truth about her awkward tryst with you. What’s left to do? Leave her alone. Let her sort out the details and the reasons for this horrible hookup. Let her get through the soul searching, the karma questioning of it all. Let. Her. Be.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The outfit dictates the man’s synergy with the universe. And on Monday, the universe will be staring at you, wondering, “What the f*ck?” Expect Tuesday to give up on your self-preservation antics, and when you run out of tampons, expect Wednesday to have a backup supply. Thursday will welcome you into his arms like you’re the prodigal gay, and Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be fighting over you with superfluous attempts to make you giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Well if isn’t the return of the flaky betch. But you have a good reason, allegedly. You are currently working on an application for a very important financial transaction. And although you may not take your other transactions seriously (see Exhibit Gays), this one is very important. It’s so important that you can’t even blow the information in anyone’s ear. Rest assured, everyone of your gays is miffed by you. Time is your friend in this scenario. Once the pussycat’s out of your new Fendi and you’ve shoved free drinks in their holes, they will forgive you.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

I love it when you talk to yourself. First of all, it starts off nice and platonic, very “How’s your day / Oh it was fine, I switched to a new brand of tampons” type stuff. But all of a sudden, the deep rooted issues come out, and after a burst of shade, you’re giving yourself the silent treatment. And then by Thursday, it’s like nothing happened. You and yourself have absorbed the necessary pain, learned from it, maybe called up a fellow SCORPIO and let her baby sit some of the pain for you, and just like that, you continue to appear sane in front of your fagquaintances.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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Your face is trending.


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Honey if you force the issue on Monday, it’ll blow up on your pretty li’l face. In the famous words of Adele Dazeem, “let that shyt go.” On Tuesday, keep that purse closed. You may have money to spend, but you don’t wanna spend it on the wrong things. And believe me, every Sally and Larry will be selling you all kinds of trash. No, thank you. On Wednesday, “where my Lumosity at?” will be the theme of the day, as your glorious brain will be itching to get used. This weekend, get that ass in the air, ‘coz gurl, you’ll be putting the “twerk” in “netwerking.”

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Monday signals the beginning of the end to all those petty little fights you’ve instigated last week. It’s time to look ahead and forget about the shyt shows of the past. It will be harder on Wednesday, when your posse seems like they’re after you, but they’re not, lady. You’re just finding yourselves in close quarters these days and it’s hard to keep everyone satisfied. Thursday is when everything starts to get better. It’s like your destiny went outside for some fresh air. Let her do her thang!

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Monday is “Where Is This Going? Day.” Feel free to ask this question to your man, your dog, and your West Elm catalog. While cleaning on Tuesday, you just happened to unearth your old Nintendo Entertainment System. Before you get lost in nostalgia, be sure you have crossed off at least five items on your to-do list. On Thursday through the weekend, channel your inner Share Bear and celebrate your winnings with your gays. It may just inspire a much needed weekend orgy.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your homebase is usually your safe haven, but on Monday, it will suffocate you. Convince your sweetie or a close friend to play hooky, and after spending a spontaneous day together, you will feel a new spark in your relaysh. On Wednesday, your proposed fashion design is inspiring and innovative. Justt make sure it doesn’t get too arts-and-crafts-y in the execution. Thursday through Saturday will be an exercise in patience and caution as your bestie wrangles you into the drama she’s enmeshed herself into. There’s a way to help the betch out without losing your cool. On Sunday, go to the f*cking park.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

On Monday, sleeping with a subway street performer is just your cup of tea. But by Tuesday, you’ll find that he likes to do it in places where he can get caught. Wednesday and Thursday is the calm before the weekend shyt storm; it’s important that you don’t rush any projects along and let them unfold as they should, like how I’m doing with the latest Danity Kane breakup.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

On Monday, whip out that calculator app; your financials need a little love. On Tuesday, whip out that journal; you got some issues to sort out. On Wednesday, whip out that bouquet of roses: your honey’s feeling neglected. On Thursday, whip out that scale; you wanna make sure your personal shyt and career shyt are on the same level. And this weekend, whip out that ho; ‘coz you be hoin’.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Time can make shyt disappear, and starting Monday, you’ll be metamorphosizing again. Make sure you have the budget for this new makeover. And please don’t go all willy-nilly opting for the most expensive shyt. Although you’re not exactly on Cosmeticaid, you should still do your research, so you can get a great deal for more quality. By Thursday you’ll find that setting out for the new you will cause all sorts of problems, but hey, being a genius is never easy nor simple. This weekend, put yourself in Control Center mode, because you’ll be sought out for help by different kinds of peeps. From your ex to your grandma.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

On Monday, your dreamcatcher must be on overdrive, ‘coz she be catching all kinds of visions. You’ll need the help of a VIRGO to sort through all this shyt, and you bettah be in the mood to work, ‘coz this betch don’t mess around. This Wednesday is best reserved for those eager to hop on the Good Vibrations Bus; the rest of them can f*cking walk. Get ready for a hazy weekend. We all know that fog is your ultimate power source.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

The final season is fast approaching, and on Monday, you’ll take the first step toward your end game. On Tuesday, f*ck your man before he gets any hornier, or he’ll cause all sorts of distractions to veer you off your final arc. Wednesday is the time to thank the people who have gotten you to where you are currently, and if you’re extra nice, they will be more amenable to helping you out on your Thursday needs. By this weekend, you will be done with 70 percent of your series goal.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

On Monday, you’ll be schooling us bitches about the difference between being creative, and being downright FOOLISH. God help us all. When you do your part on Save-A-Ho Tuesday, just do what is needed and resist the urge to get enmeshed in any unnecessary drama this betch has as backup. Hump Day is the perfect time to summon a gay for a Full House moment. On Thursday and Friday, exercise your right to be super picky as your weekend enjoyment depends on it.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

On Monday, when someone pushes your buttons, give him your nipples! Tuesday marks “Where The F*ck Is My Career Going?” Day, and Wednesday is “Read Into A Betch’s Subtext” Day. When a friend of a friend drops his two cents into your biznits on Thursday, you’ll be inclined to go all Solange Knowles on her, but you probably should just look into her advice. A cast change is on the horizon this weekend. It wouldn’t hurt to hold early auditions for your next posse.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Monday Alert: There’s a Dawn Richard in your posse! Freeze that betch out! On Tuesday you get a Freshness Injection, right up that ass, gurl! Don’t be so wishy washy on Wednesday and Thursday, ‘coz your mental abilities are needed to solve a gay conundrum (stripes or plaid?). This weekend forecast calls for plenty of sunshine, with just the right amount of shade. Amen.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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It’s all about balance, ladies!


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

On Monday, it’s hard to look away when there’s a big boo-tay in front of you. Sometimes you just gotta face the ass. Wednesday gets tricky when a trick asks you out on an actual date. I know you like your rules and your labels, but give this fella a chance to prove himself outside the bedroom. Ground it in the name of fun and the unnecessary expectations will fall away like dead leaves during November in New England.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Enough mosey-ing… get to it already! You’ve pranced around in your little outfits for the past month, with no big finale. This month is the time to really absorb what the end game is to motivate you to take the necessary steps toward it. I don’t want no frills, b*tch, and keep the sass to a minimum. I don’t want you rushing for it either. Make this journey a good balance of rushing and slowing, like a wonderfully choreographed dance. The prize at the end will be that much worth it.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Monday’s not even gonna wait for you. You will wake up in the f*cking thick of it like you wouldn’t even believe. On the plus side, it jolts up your senses for the rest of the week. Turn on the charm on Wednesday. You’re about to say shyt people don’t wanna hear. Nostalgia will hit you earlier on Thursday, sending you to a downward spiral of “what ifs.” Get off that slide, young lady. You’re wearing your Sunday dress.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

I’m sure you’ve heard this one. Remember that tale about a ho that got famous, not just because of her talents, but also because she’s such a cool person? Then fame got the better of her, changed her into a nasty li’l tw@t and spit her out when it was done with her? Well your week will be similar to this tale, but honey, you have the ability to change the ending. Fame doesn’t last forever. When it leaves, don’t let it take away your core.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This is the week where you find yourself at some party, and you look around and you’re like, “what the f*ck is all this shyt?” And then you go off on your own trying to find some kind of meaning to all this. You may even take a buddy or two along this journey. You may even form a doobie club. And then before you know it, you’re at a not-so-similar party with a different group of people and you want out once again. You’ll always be searching for meaning, saggy. Don’t let the destinations fool you into thinking that the search wasn’t fulfilling.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Here’s my thing about giving back: it’s perfectly okay. But once your generosity gets a reputation, then b*tches be asking for more. And if you don’t watch it, you’ll get sucked dry, and not in the way that I’d prefer. Again, giving back is great. Just make sure you give yourself the right amount of energy and resources to withstand your altruism.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

When your insides are in deep doo-doo on Monday, trust that your outer layer will harden to compensate. Really give your insides time to get their shyt together on Tuesday, because by Wednesday, things take a turn for the best and you’ll need all that energy to relish the f*ck out of it. One of your frenemies turn cryptic on Thursday, and it will take a weekend trip to the library to decode the b*tch. You’ll be glad you took the time.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Have you been hanging out with a LIBRA? Because you have been so f*cking indecisive lately. And if you’re gonna ask your gay to decide for you and she happily does so, please don’t follow it up with, “but what if I do this other thing?” - you will only annoy the betch. She’ll be like, “oh, so you don’t trust my opinion!” and you’d be like “but you haven’t seen this third option!” and she be like, “if you trusted me you wouldn’t pick a third option!” The lesson here is: Don’t be such a Libra. It doesn’t suit you.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You know what you need? A nice long purge, beeyotch! Take all the good and the bad stuff that’s happened to you in the past few years, put it inside you and whatever the result emotion is—sadness, laughter, nostalgia—give in to it FULLY, hunty! This is a time of reflection. A change is in the works, and the more you are at peace with what has happened in the past, only then will you be able to tackle the FEW-CHAH.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ve been bottling it all in for the past few weeks, and now that you’re ready to let it all exit, you find that the opening is simply too small for all this shyt to pass through. You can’t control this eruption. All you can do is to ask a few loved ones to hold your hand through the process. Some of them won’t want to, and that’s how you know who you can unleash it out on. But seriously, reassure your helpers that when the explosion is done, you will cuddle them with thank you gifts. After all, you’re not an animal.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

On Monday, heads up! Your new drag persona is now available in High Definition! It will take a bit of time to adjust to this new you but when you do, expect your looks to be less pixellated! And when you read a b*tch, it will be heard in surround, gurl! By Wednesday you will have a firmer grasp on your new drag power, just in time to entertain your growing number of admirers. When something great like this happens, your twin can’t help but get all doubtful. That’s okay, but please reassure the betch that this is the real deal. Once she’s calm, you’ll be free to move around the gayborhood.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

I’m not going to Splenda-coat it: This week will be quite a doozy. On Monday you will receive some undesirable news - but trust that this is all just a step toward a fabulous goal. On Tuesday, expect a close ho to pull out some major SHEnanigans. There is more to this shyt show than meets the eye. These are pretty tough times, crabby. A new season is coming and everyone’s trying to get their shyt together. Feel free to help them out but you need to leave room to deal with your own shyt as well. The good news is that after this week, everyone will have a set plan and they will calm the house down.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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Who ordered the shade?


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Monday is Double-Duty Day! On your way home from a trick, help out the needy. Go all out on Tuesday and volunteer at a soup kitchen. Rack up those karma points! Just make sure you tell Karma your bank account # ‘coz she be needin’ to direct deposit that shyt! Wednesday, you take a turn for the moody. It’s just the summer blues and all those early “Back-To-School” commercials just bogging you down. I say just start small, concentrate on one-on-one time with each of your gays, and by this weekend, you’ll be ready for massive amounts of shindiggery!

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

On Monday, whatever your power source may be, whether it’s a wand, or a rod, or a staff, you’ll need to harness it. And always remember to start at the tip, hunty! You’ll get to see a load of results on Tuesday, putting your confidence meter back to full by Wednesday. When you lord over people on Thursday, make sure you do it shade-free, and with all the precision you can muster. This is the time to really hunker down and get some shyt done. Because by this weekend, the culmination of your work will be seen. And dahling, get ready for a lot of “oohs” and “aahs.”

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

There seems to be some kind of tug-of-war happening between you, and your saboteur. Who is this saboteur, you may ask? Well honey, it’s you! I could go into detail how this all began a loooong time ago, with a b*tch named Doubt, but no one’s up for a history lesson now, right? Here’s the thing. Your work speaks for itself. And when that work speaks, there is no shred of doubt. She ain’t even in the room.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

During the first half of the week, you’ll be on walk-on-eggshells mode at your job. Just stick to doing actual work; no Facebooking nor Googling “Justin Theroux bulge” on that ‘puter. There’s a bug up your boss’s ass - it has nothing to do with you, but at the same time, you don’t want to place yourself in the line of fire. The second half of the week, one of you gays will lay a big one on you. It’s quite the game changer so you bettah not have carpal tunnel syndrome ‘coz you’ll be holding on to that joystick for a while.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Gurl, I know you’ve gotten quite an itch. No worries, it’s not something you got from a trick. Rather, it’s an itching to go somewhere. This itch has been bugging you for weeks, but you’ve just been brushing it off with: “I’ll get to it later.” Well honey, expect that itch to get a lot itchier this week, leaving you with no choice but to scratch it with a nice li’l visit to an ex. And by ex, I mean Expedia, dahling!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You are SO. OVER. WORK. It’s because your co-workers are so over it too, causing some kind of chain reaction at the office. But here’s the thing, diva: you can cause the opposite chain reaction by actually doing the work and inspiring everyone to do theirs. And no worries. Once you start, you’ll start to enjoy how it feels to be on top of things again. This weekend, a special guest star will grace you with her presence. So go for drinks with this squirrel friend and create your own flashback episode.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Make sure your loins are protected. Some massive work shyt is about to come crashing down on your ass this week, and no, it won’t be like the time you slept with Mr. “Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!” It’s not just work. Everyone’s in such a sh*tty mood lately and are more content hurling sweet li’l nasties at each other rather than dealing with what’s going on with themselves. Don’t erupt like Mt. Shade just yet. Let these hos get it all out of their system and once everything is over, you’ll have a line of apologetic wankers outside of your office.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

UGH. You have been so MIA lately! We could be more annoyed, but I know you haven’t been around because you’ve been revving up that good ol’ workout regimen again. You were like, “wait, it’s summer? I need my bah-day!” Just don’t forget to give your gays a call once you’re satisfied with your fabulous physique. We would love to do cheat day brunch with you!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You’ve caught something. It all started with this guy in the bathhouse. He gave you something and… you’re hoping it won’t clear up anytime soon, because he gave you the LOVEBUG! Oh, dear. May God save your family, friends, and their moms, who will have to do everything in their power not to roll their eyes in your presence while they watch you skip around town with that googley look in your face. Oh, hey, check out this article!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Love them hashytags? Here’s your week: #mondayblues #ugh #boss #worksucks #powerplay #whosgotthelongestdick #aboveit #humpday #lookingforward #provider #sweetie #couple #gala #weekend #blessed

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Something clicked this past weekend and now all of a sudden, you’re Mr. Dynamic. You’ve gotten more charming, more delightful, and you seem to have mastered the skill of getting your ideas across without any put-ons nor any unnecessary verbal drizzle. But your own posse seems impervious to it. They still see you as a conniving little tw@t. What’s up with that? Maybe there’s something you’re not seeing. Or maybe it has nothing to do with you. Either way, you should probably get to the bottom of it.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’re at the end of a long journey so I suggest you end it with a bang. I’m not saying the good times will end. Another chapter is about to begin, and this one’s filled with flowers, singing animals, dancing dinner plates… it can’t help but get a G-rating. This new chapter is happy-go-lucky, that even the occasional annoyance produced by your neighbor or roommate will not be enough to dampen your spirits.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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HEY SQUIRREL FRIENDS!


Horoscopes By Gil turns 3 next week! Thanks so much for putting up with my shyt! :)

I may do a “Fan Favorite” additional edition to celebrate three years of astrological shade. Please feel free to message me any of your favorite entries (it doesn’t have to be from your sign)!

SAMPLE MESSAGE:

Gil, I liked this from February 8, 2011:

“SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You. A. Ho.”

Gurl, you bettah know how to cut and paste! No worries, I’ll mention yo’ ass!

“Bye, Felicia!”

—Gil

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For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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FLAFLOOEY! It’s what’s for dinner.


CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You have got to splash things up, you cutesy li’l creature of the sea! In doing so you would be putting smiles on people’s faces! For instance, one of your gal pals ain’t doing so well. Another one has been led astray and WHO KNOWS when that betch will find her bearings? Get off your crab tail and start re-connecting those dots. In these tough times, your moody betch act is just what we need for entertainment. So let all your watery goodness wash upon us! Amen.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

STEP ONE: Tone down the demands. STEP TWO: Make initial attempts to collaborate. STEP THREE: Once you’re in a group, begin to rise up to a mentoring capacity. STEP FOUR: Go against your own teachings but still make it work. AND STEP FIVE: Let go of the past.

These are the five steps that you need in order to have a very successful bake sale.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Shake off the past week like dog hair on a cashmere blanket. It’s OVAH! This is the week to usher in a new era of fantabulousness! But don’t be too flighty, gurl! As this new era can change to a new shyt show at a drop of a hat. Keep your wits with you. Don’t leave them in the glove compartment, or in your trick’s bathroom. On Wednesday you have got to be a team player, because your gays have had enough of your Negative Nancy-ness. They do have your best interests at heart, you’ll see. This weekend, prepare to bask in the sea of new fans.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Get thee to therapy. Whether it’s a spa treatment, an AA meeting or retail, you have got to take care of your abandonment issues! First of all, conceited much? Just because people are busy taking care of their own shyt doesn’t mean they’re neglecting you. Second, you have got to start looking at this as a martini glass half full situation. Your gays aren’t around? It shouldn’t be that difficult for you to charm the pants off a new set of hos and expand your dramatis personæ. So hop to it, Rico Suave!

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Set in your ways, much? That’s fine, but for Monday, you may want to choose your honey over your “Catch Up On DVR” night, and really, “Catch Up On DVR” is just another title for “I’m watching too much sh*tty TV.” On Wednesday, the 5-second rule applies for that donut, but you may want to think twice before picking it up in front of your boss. On Thursday, you bettah pick the right stilettos because you’ll be challenged to a walk-off, hunty! This weekend, you must think outside the box, including but not limited to your hoo-hah!

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I may be reaching here, but I know you don’t mind! The one thing you do mind is being overwhelmed, especially with expectations. Nip. That. Shyt. In the bud. Hos have got to realize that if power is assigned to you, then there must be a reason for that. Trust! With this new power comes a new juggling act. And gurl, I’ve seen you with a pile of plates; you’re gonna need some practice. But the one thing you’ve got going for you is that you always keep it cute, doll!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

This week, you can’t help but smile. You’re smitten by someone or the idea of something new. It’s at the beginning stages and you know you shouldn’t put all your balls in one jockstrap but… You can’t help but deploy all the “what ifs” you can think of. I say get thee to a private area and “what if” away! You are strong enough to withstand it if none of it happens, and you’re strong enough to handle it if it does! The latter is scarier, of course.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

I get it.  You’re dealing with a nasty b*tch.  Here’s the thing.  This b*tch is on the defensive.  She’s as afraid of you as you are of her (though you’d never admit it).  I say just stand your ground and say your piece as non-confrontational as possible.  She won’t have any grounds to be defensive, and she’ll actually respect you.  Boom.  Boom.  Pow.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Oh, honey.  I don’t even know where to start.  If I say “you’re letting yourself be treated like a doormat,” you’ll just go, “gurl, that ain’t news to me.”  So here’s where I’ll go with this.  What’s done is done, and the best thing that you can do is to go back to treating yourself with a lot of respect.  I won’t stop you from acting selflessly.  I won’t stop you from looking out for the needs of others.  All I’ll ask of you, fishy queen, is to give yourself some room to be treated as you would treat others.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

June gloom may have passed, but the fog is still lingering in your life.  I suggest that you wait until it burns through by Wednesday, during which time you could attempt to return any sex toys that were unused.  By Thursday through the weekend, you’ll see your life with much more clarity, and you’ll be back to calling out b*tches for trying to put one over on you.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

A hungry betch is a cranky betch.  So here’s what I suggest.  Keep some snacks in your manpurse-of-the-week and in your glove compartment.  Trader Joe’s has some nuts n’ thangs that come individually wrapped in little bags WITHIN a huge bag!  Just keep yourself full, gurl, and the cranky will be less prominent, which will be a lot more important this week because an influential ho is watching your every move.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’ve been cool as a cucumber for a while, at least in the eyes of your peers and their moms.  This. Is. Not. The. Time. To. Lose. One’s. Shyt.  There are situations at play which will make this task difficult for you.  And by situations, I mean busted hos that can’t help but be busted.  Just think of this week as a test.  There is a fabulous prize at the end, and it’s gonna be a lot more than a year’s supply of Colorevolution Cosmetics, gurl!

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!