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Don’t be eating that Chipotle thinkin’ this time, the outcome would be different. Wake up, Felicia!


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Just got a message from the powers-that-be, and that shit had lots of grammatical and spelling errors. Seriously? They don’t even have time to get their shit together to let you know how fabulous your week is going to be? And that’s the thing, little lady. Your week will be full of fabulous surprises that you run the risk on O.D.-ing on F.A. B. And by the way, it looks like your ex is in town. You should really put up a sign on your front door saying, “For the 100th time, I don’t have any drugs.”

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

What you’re seeing are the initial fruits of your labor in terms of your new career endeavor. You’re ready to piss your pants and tell everyone about it, but you’re afraid that to them, your minute accomplishments will be anything but awesome. Could it be that this recent switch in your interests is something they have seen before? Could it be that this nth time, they may not want to get too invested? Whatever. The experience of finding out what makes anyone tick is different for everybody. So rejoice in what you’ve done, and get yoself a six-pack.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Right? Everything was going so well with your project until a fellow VIRGO started pointing out every minute thing that can make this whole thing kablooey. And now you’ve jumped on the persnickety bandwagon. You’re forgetting something here, SAGgy. Not only are you oh-so-totally-awesome with big-picture stuff, but you’ve got li’l Miss Lucky Jupiter rooting for you, using raise-the-roof realness. It’s great to know what could go wrong; it’s not so good to let it rule yo ass.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

What sucks when you’re in a tiff with someone is that a tiff involves at least two people. You’re one of the queens of control when it comes to achieving your goals and reaching your ambitions. You know how to focus and direct your own way through success (you bitch). With a tiff you can’t control both parties. Even if you find a path that will lead you to resolution, the other party can throw it back in your stone face. But gurl, look: as long as you’re honest with yourself and know what is and what’s not your fault; and that you’re taking responsibility for the former, that’s resolution enough for you, gurl!

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Just keeping it real, gurl: you tend to be okay losing friends because you figure: you can always get new ones. That may be true, Miss Thang, but it’s this exact mode of thinking that can work against you. This betch you’re thinking of droppin’ like she’s hot has yet to reveal to you what she’s really like. You’re not seeing her truth. Don’t give up on her yet.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Gurl, you can’t Carrie Mathison your way out of this. The thing is, you have reached a conclusion, and it’s a worthwhile one. This resolution makes sense. So why are you still full of doubt? Why do you need to go back and rehash the process? It’s like buying plane tickets. The price has already gone up, and you’re waiting for it to go down, only to find that the tickets get more expensive the more you wait. Stop deliberating. Stick to your findings and stand by them.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Look, we already know that your communication skills are lacking. Your penchant for saying exactly what’s in your mind, the way you thought it makes others believe that you don’t have any filter. You need to make the time for filtering, at least until people figure out how you communicate. Once you reel them in, you can switch back to your regular channel.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your decision-making skills have been lacking for the past couple weeks. Some deal fell through a couple weeks ago because you weighed the options, and now you’re shaky and trigger happy with any new situations that come your way. Because a decision didn’t work out in the past, doesn’t mean that you’ve completely lost your handle on things. It just wasn’t meant to be, so just huff and puff and look for the next pig to go after.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Gurl, I’m hearing your complaints about a certain ho. Forgive me for not being too sympathetic, though: I just know how you can be sometimes. Do I have to spell it out for you? Okay, fine. Some bitch came off a certain way, but what you may not realize is that you were coming off a certain way yourself. I mean, really, gurl. You don’t know your own side-eye.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

I know what’s going on here. You’ve worked your cute tail off for some sort of validation from a person who matters to you. And when it didn’t arrive, you became restless and filled with self-doubt. So you continue to mope around, thinking that she don’t like you. What you don’t know is that your validation has been sitting in your recycling bin; you put it in there because you mistook that thing as spam when it came in your mailbox, with your menus from Asakuma Rice.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Your supposed foundation is showing some cracks. Your normal reaction is to fake it until you make it. But the more you fake it, the more your constituents will smell desperation. So why not try this: Accept the cracks as they are. We all have them. Show us that you can deal, and we’ll have more respect for you than you thought possible.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s safe to say that you have won the war against a certain ho. Rather than jumping up and down Tracy Flick style, you have chosen to remain vigilant, in case there is retaliation. Yes, I get it. You LURVE to suck the fun out of everything, even the act of celebrating your personal victories. Well, bitch, snap out of it! You are giving your efforts a great disservice by going all “Case Closed” and moving on to the next job. So please, give yourself some downtime. After all, what’s the point of destroying an evil queen when you can’t even enjoy it?

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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Don’t forget to fill out your timesheets!


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Guess who’s shit is in demand again: It’s your shit, diva! Somehow, all that toiling and complaining have been rendered useless. Or maybe the gods have grown tired of the noise that they decided to give you what you want. Either way, a celebration is in order. You’re in such a great mood, you won’t even notice the looks that you will get from bystanders when you’re double fisting your two vodkas with a twist.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Oh, sure. Just let your co-workers think that you’ll be stuck with them for the rest of the year. You’ll have other thoughts in your brain. As they stand by the company fridge talking about the latest episode of The Good Wife, you will be plotting your escape. There will be no messing around. Because when it comes to planning your next vacay, you will not hesitate to use the same abilities that you usually reserve for your acts of manipulation and deceit.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Oh I see what’s going on here. You met a PISCES. Now this fishy bitch is slowly sucking you into her Dreamworld: A place filled with fog and mist and everyone walks around in zig-zag patterns with droopy eyes and wide smiles. Gurl, I’ve been there. It took me weeks to recover. But you know what? I got out when it was time to leave. All of us need to be immersed in fantasy from time to time. Just make sure you know when to get the fuck out.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

So here’s the thing. You can be a very calculating ho. So much so, that whatever you’re feeling gets buried all the way down to your inner core. These feelings include: compassion, kindness and generosity. As a result, whenever some of these emotions start to bubble up to the surface, you simply have no idea what to do. If you give in to any of them, you might lose your gaze on the prize. But gurl, this final phase, you can’t go through it alone. These feelings you tend to push down may just be your ticket to meeting people that can help you achieve your goal.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This week, you’ll be doing a nice balancing act between your obligations and your thirst for partying. You are ecstatic to take on the challenge. With your steely demeanor and your chin high up in the sky (we get, it, you’re a proud bitch), you can easily pinpoint which event will get you the maximum pleasure in very little amount of time, enabling you to choose which parties to go to, and at the same time, giving you the space that you need to get your work did.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

This week is the perfect time to give in to all your flights of fancy. Not that the disapproving/confused looks of your constituents have ever stopped you from doing so. This time, they will all be too busy shopping for Halloween costumes to pay attention. So cater to all your whims and creative instincts. Grab every inspiration that you encounter as you skippity-doo-dah into the sunset. Just don’t forget to write all that shit down.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

OMG I was just talking to my friend about you. When I brought you up, she was instantly annoyed because of that thing you said to her face that sounded offensive. I said, “oh no, he just says the first thing that pops up in his cute li’l brain,” and she was like, “well he should really stop that. I want to know what he thinks but he could say some things in a nicer way.” Just FYI.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Let’s be honest: you’re not a very good liar. And who cares? You’re just the type of person who likes to keep things simple. Lying falls in the “complicated” category but we know you, you like your steak the way you’ve always liked your steak. But you may be feeling like you’re gonna break down if you keep things real. I say let it happen, as this week, there are no special guest judges. This week, it’s just family.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Certain things in your life may be undecided at this point and it’s driving you insane. I hate to say it, but it will be that way for a while. Everyone is sensing a shift in the general order of things, and they’re all just trying to adjust. So don’t be disheartened if during your performance, you are a little shaky on the dismount. Your sheer enthusiasm and determination will seem cute to others. And honey, in these parts, charm goes a long way.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Things have never been a lot less black and white than this week. Although your first instinct is to pull a blanket over your head and turn on the porn, this will only ease the burden for two minutes. You may as well give in to the confusion and expect the unexpected. Weigh each option you encounter carefully before you make a decision. As long as you’re doing your best, and not pissing anyone off, you should make it through the week.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Hey Ms. Grabby Hands! How about you give our asses a break for a little bit? At least let them return to their normal hue before you start slapping and grabbing them again. What is wrong with you anyway? Are you back on ecstacy? It would certainly explain why my new bottle of Reddi Whip is missing. You owe me three bucks.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

All signs point to: You’re a nitpicky, inflexible ho. That behavior is so last season. The only way you would ease up on anybody or yourself is if it was your job. So I’m making it your job. I’m commanding you to fucking let loose and throw your cares in the wind. And since you’re prone to following the rules, I can’t imagine you fucking this one up. Good luck and all!

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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You opened this door.


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This week, prepare to be tested in your decision-making skills. There are instances when you simply need to take the time to weigh all the options before choosing a path. Other times, gurl, you know you shouldn’t be needing an hour to decide between two pairs of pants for your brunch outfit. It’s easy to get lost in all of the options, but as long as you know when to hold back and when to nail that shyt, you should be gay-okay.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

So here’s the thing: Your continuous quests for getting to the bottom of everything is pissing some b*tches off. Some of us are content with what’s been asked of us, of what we’re supposed to do. But when you start asking, “why, why, why,” questioning the process and raising all sorts of hoopla, you start to waste everyone’s time. I get your intensity, gurl, but there are some things that are so trivial, they should be left alone.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Gurl, I see you shutting that door; shutting yourself off from concerned parties. Whenever something’s going on witchu, you get all “don’t tell me I’m gonna be fine; I know I’m gonna be fine” and shyt. Most of us know deep in our heart of hearts that if there’s a problem, we are gonna be fine. It doesn’t give you an excuse to shut people out. We are here to help, hunty. No one’s gonna cut chu for opening up and letting us all in.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

That look on your face reminds me of the one I have after my daily morning ::ahem:: evacuation. It seems as though you have finally gotten everything where they should be: on two sides, in line formation, clearing a path for you to walk towards your final goal (you bitch). This is why you’re not so uptight this week. It’s the right attitude for the right time. Just don’t ease up too much; somebody might shove you out of your own runway.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Your skills in being able to work through financial shade ranks high up there with your ability to deal with the din that comes from passive-aggressive hos. In fact, what’s going to get you through this week is being to able to navigate around everyone’s issues and neuroses, I mean, people are gonna be that f*cked up. Don’t think you can’t bullshyt your way out of anything or anyone, though. After all, your key planet IS Uranus.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’re in the same boat as your fellow SAG this week. To all of us, you are such an open book, although you always put that extra zing in there that makes us question what we just concluded about chu. Lately you’ve been holding back on your emotions. You’re extra sensitive these days, I don’t know, because you were badly burned not so long ago. But honey, you don’t have to air out all your troubles on everyone you know. Just the ones you truly trust.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Babe, although the world does not revolve around you this week doesn’t mean you’re not part of anything. You still have duties to fill, dahling! So don’t be checking out on us. I mean, we get it, when you’re not the center of attention you lose some of your vibrance and chutzpah, but you can still possess those traits even if you’re just a backup dancer. Besides, I’ve seen you work that pole. You got it and you’re not fooling anybody.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Rattled, much? This is not an easy state for you because you’re usually the unstoppable tower of strength. But someone else has discovered your vulnerability, touching upon it when she needed to. I think that your fault here is thinking that this vulnerability is a weakness. Stop that shyt and mine your vulnerability for all it’s worth. Doing so will bring out your bravery, and reenergize your tower.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

We get it, your friends’ lives are in shambles and you feel that you’re the only one stable enough to tend to their needs. But gurl, your shyt is not as secure as you might think. Catering to your b*tches might sound fine and dandy to you, but any energy spent away from your own shyt will lead to its detriment. So please re-center yourself first, before you immerse yourself in the issues of your busted constituents.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Gurl, you are doing the right thing. For the first time in your life, you have found a balance between living your life in your own home and yearning for your planned trips in far away places. Having figured out that there’s someone out there who’s got your back (and your front and your upside down), has strengthened your resolve to make your current accommodations a lot more than bearable.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This week will prove quite tricky for you. The homecoming dance is coming up and you haven’t finalized your campaign plans for homecoming queen. Maybe you’ve been underestimating the competition? Just a reminder, having a straight up sensible business plan can topple even the tallest of the glamazons, so get yourself a super-organized gay and get your shyt together!

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

"Stop interrupting me!" Well, someone’s in triple-digit-diva mode. Look, all your temper tantrums are leading others to believe that you’re on shaken ground. All the transitions you’ve been going through have made you feel lost, and whenever this happens, you start relying on that big ol’ potty mouth of yours. Not a good option. Find the loud voice within and use that to get what you need, so you’re not looking like a frantic ho-bag.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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This week’s astrological shade: powered by a hangover.


LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

The season has barely started and you’re already in the thick of it. It’s like the camera descends upon you while you’re in a high-speed car chase. Every move matters, and to add to the shyt show of it all, you’re being watched. My advice: maintain an intense focus on the end result, while keeping the rest of the process light and maybe, fun. How are you at banter?

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

There will be power struggles. There will be self doubt. There will be lots of back and forths. There will be lots of giving up. Try to be patient. Try to be confident. By the end of this process, your shelving system from The Container Store will be all that.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

It’s Random Bullshyt Week: Prepare for lots of random shade coming at you from different directions affecting different aspects of your life. Although you have the natural ability to roll with the punches, this week you just want to be left alone. Think of this week as one final lap, before reaping the benefits of crossing the finish line with record breaking speed.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The key to getting what you want will depend on the balance between what you think of yourself and what you think other people think of you. In order to rise to the top, someone else has to give you that power, but at the same time, you would be doing yourself a great disservice if you let other people see a fake, projected version of yourself. Stay true to your intentions and just this once, shut that shady mouth!

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

For some reason, everyone wants to know what you’re feeling. Normally, they are used to accepting your aloofness but recent developments have made these people very impatient and cranky. I think it’s because these people aren’t secure enough to make their own decisions. When they see you, they see your confidence and self-assurance. They know you know your shyt and they wanna know what that shyt is. That’s all it is, gurl!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

What I’m sensing with you these days is that the more you pretend to reveal things to the public, the more it shows that you’re trying to hide something. Someone broke your trust recently and it’s left you feeling extremely vulnerable. Normally this is something you can easily deal with, ‘coz you like the ebb and flow of uncertainty (yick), but this incident left quite a dent in you. You’ve been jolted out of your socket; it’ll be painful to snap back in, but once you’re in, you can start healing again.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

”What the f*ck have I done?” is your question of the week. This is normal, as you’ve just gone through a quick and drastic transition. You will be holding on to a version of you for a while, but this version is something you don’t need any longer. Don’t be afraid to release this version into the ether. She will always be a part of you, but for now she needs to take a long vacation. Bye-eeee!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Oh you stubborn betch. So desperate to hold on to your habits. Not seeing the possibilities which can happen with just a slight shift in your point of view. You need to soften that grasp, or something, you, will snap. A little fluidity wouldn’t hurt. And no worries. You would not be giving up your beliefs. Rather, you would be giving them just a bit of a twist. And from what I’ve been hearing lately, a twist is something you could use.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Oh, honey. You’re back here again. I mean, did you really think that this time, you would get a different result? I’m sorry to break it to you, but the result is the same, and you’re back to square one. The only thing you can do, if you don’t want to get back here again, is to admit what you’re really doing. And I’m not talking about admitting it to other people. I’m talking about admitting it to yourself. I know there’s two of you and y’all be trying to fool one another, but the games are done. It’s time to be honest with yourself and take all the consequences that come with that territory.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Gurl, you are itching to really express yourself this week. Your heart is full of emotions and you have no choice but to unleash. People all over the country will be clawing at you to stop and it’s like, what the f*ck is their problem? I’ll tell you. They’re afraid. They’ve had opportunities like you to release their feelings but they never went through with it. So now, they see your bravery and they’re trying to mask their negativity with the pretense of being all concerned about you. Well, f*ck them.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Gurl, don’t be a stubborn betch. She’s said her piece. You’ve said yours. On the surface, everything is fine. Now I understand you have some lingering negativity but there’s no reason to entertain it. The contract has been set, by you and the other b*tchy party, and nowhere in that contract is it written that you can keep any petty grudges. So move on to the next chapter and leave last week, into last week. And really, you have other big fishy queens to fry.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your brain is constantly switching back and forth between the big picture and the small picture, like a mental kegel exercise. And this switching back and forth, is very unlike you, Ms. I-Have-To-Check-The-Stove-Three-Times-Before-I-Leave-The-House. But something has happened and it’s causing you to be very willing to switch things up and to try new modes of thinking. You feel that a clean slate is upon you, and this time, you’re eager to get everything right, using an alternate method. Don’t get lost in the process though. You turn into a huge cranky-butt when you’re lost.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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All shade is FINAL. No returns.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Contrary to popular belief, it’s your year, betch! Armed with a new resolve, you will put to rest any friggin’ doubts you may have about your abilities. Certain factors are not in full completion, but who cares? Deep down, you are enjoying yourself with the process. The big reveal is in a month, and everyone will be gagging. In harmony.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

If busy had a name, it would be yours. Expect the influx of a variety of demands coming your way. And they’re not necessarily demanding-y; they’re polite, succinct, necessary requests, only coming in hundreds. But here’s the kicker. The way you accommodate the noise will put you in a f*cktabulous light; you shine best when b*tches are clamoring for your expertise. The only thing missing is the paparazzi. But no worries; they’re on their way.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You have a tendency to play hooky when the cat’s away. But these are different times. Whatever void you needed to fill in the past has been filled. OH, IT HAS BEEN FILLED, GURL. These days, when left alone by your man or your man of the week, your new instinct is to provide assistance to those loved ones who are in need. It’s called “Giving Back.” After all, you’re not a complete vengeful motherf**ker.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

NoBODY ever said backing off ain’t okay. It’s what’s needed with a current situation. I get it, your true nature is to be in everyone’s face all the time, with your blunt, “I’m just being honest” proclamations and your extreme hand flourishes. But backing off has its rewards. First of all, you get to watch, and we all know how much you like to watch. But secondly, you get to assess, and reassess what’s in front of you. And diva, you could use a little practice on that front.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Getting holed up in sheer domestication ain’t all it’s cracked up to be; especially when you find yourself at Homo Depot checking out the paint guy while your man is looking at paint samples to plan the design of the second bedroom of the house you haven’t bought, yet alone seen. I mean, what can you do? Paint guy’s arms look great when he’s shaking that gallon of paint and hammering the top, er… I mean the lid. This situation happens all the time. But just a kind reminder: Looking is fine, as long as you don’t touch.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

All those who are queer and dear to you are in a bit of haze. Fortunately for these folks, you are there for them to exist as truth filter. Your brand of T is ranking high in the stock market these days, and with good reason. Your ability to see facts and solve puzzles is just the tip of your true mental prowess, making it easier to supply a specialized set of reads designed to snap b*tches into focus, and making them laugh at the same time.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Most people balk in the face of uncertainty (damn VIRGOS), but you relish that shyt. There’s something fluid in the unknown, and as a fishy queen, you can’t help but ride that current. Others may see this as you being wishy washy, but where they see haze, you see high resolution clarity. Use this to your advantage now while everyone’s distracted; just make sure you don’t trample over any sad hos.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

With all these changes happening in your life, your body can’t keep up with it all. The same mental effort you have used in the past weeks to navigate the metamorphosizing of your present, you must use towards making sure your health is intact. Right now, it’s floundering and you must take action, ‘coz gurl, you can’t rely on that body if you’re not gonna take care of it.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

That sound you hear is the sound of something in the works. Whether it’s a new opportunity or a future long-term f*cktivity partner, the stars are finally aligning to give you something you deserve. Your hard work (and that boo-tay) has not gone unnoticed by the universe and the lasting effects of what you’ll get will reverberate through the muthaeffin’ galaxy. So rev up that power top within; the world is ready to be pounded!

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your jovial mood in the beginning of the week will get b*tchslapped to oblivion by the harsh reality of a certain situation you’ve been ignoring. Nothing stays hidden forever, and this week will be proof of that. It will be too late to deny anything so the best thing for you to do is to give in to the madness, the consequences of what has surfaced amongst your constituents. Assume responsibility where you can, and the landing will be a little less jarring.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Normally you wouldn’t turn down a manwich, but I’m afraid the one about to happen this week isn’t of the sexual kind. A power struggle will be in play and you will be right in the middle of it. And honey, you can play nice all you want, but it will only get the two sides aggravated, which would result in more aggravation on your part. Maybe it’s time to put your foot down and tell both parties that you’ll have none of this bullshyt.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Have you been liking all those trips at the mall? Your impromptu brunch dates at the costliest spots in town? Those luxurious massages at the five-star spas? That’s wonderful! But gurl, listen: Your budgetary situation is about to approach a sharp turn, so get ready to ease up on that accelerator and make sure you’re going through that curve at 15 miles per hour. HOkay?!

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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This shade has been certified as 100% organic, hunties!


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Well. You’ve pretty much declared war on a certain b*tch. Normally I wouldn’t sanction such a drastic action, but in this case, it’s completely justified. You have been wronged, and in the past, you have waved off the pain whenever it’s been brought up. But, starting today, enough is enough. With the full support of friends and loved ones, you are now free to unleash those meticulously manicured claws. #ivehaditwiththisbitch

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

When it comes to finishing touches, no one does it better than thou. Unlike most gays, you know exactly the amount of drama to infuse on any facade or situation. And it’s not like you have to focus too much either. You have that natural ability to hone in on the aesthetic value of any object or person (no matter how shyt show-y) and emphasize it, all while you’re holding a Stoli martini with a twist. This is why you have great, adoring fans. No doubt about it: you are the cilantro that everyone wants on their dish.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

During a show and tell walkthrough at the agency, people may mistake your comments as “brutal.” They are right, but on the other hand, they may be influenced by your reputation as a no-holds barred, straight-up diva who derives pleasure at shooting down ideas. It’s an unfair reputation, as you know. At the same time, you shouldn’t give a damn. Your “brutal-ness” helps you and your company come up with high-end, high-quality products that always wipe out the competition. Few b*tches are as passionate as you, and the ones who are close to you—the ones that matter—recognize that.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Out of your element much? I can tell by the way you’re sweating; or the way you try to wiggle yourself out of certain social situations, like I would when I really have to pee. You make it look cute, by the way. What I’ve always admired about you, besides your horse ass, is your ability to embrace discomfort. You take it on as a challenge, and you make it look fun. Your sense of adventure is what will save you this difficult week, but then again, when has it not?

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

In life, as there are certain b*tches who are with you all the way, there are ones who are just complete morons who are unable to see the big picture. These imbeciles have no specific direction in life, and they aimlessly move and bump into walls like a Roomba (available at Homo Depot). This week, prepare for this latter kind to keep getting in your way. Know that it’s not personal. They’re not aiming for you; they’re aiming at nothing. The generous thing to do is to grab each of them by the shoulders, and face them in the direction that’s best for each of them.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You can argue any political issue on the table without breaking a sweat. Your reputable sense of aloofness helps you navigate the difficult waters of debate without making it personal. This is because all the personal shyt you harbor are kept in that big ass urn that you carry on your shoulder. Well this week, prepare for that moment you accidentally drop that urn. It’ll shatter in nice little pieces, letting all that personal shyt out. It’ll be interesting. It’ll be magical. And like I said, political issues, you can argue. Magic, you simply can’t.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You have reached some sort of gay catharsis with your lover, or a real close gay. Roles have been modified; new understandings have come forth. Indeed, the past few weeks have been harrowing, to say the least, but rest assured, the aftermath that comes underway this week will be akin to new flowers that bloom in the spring. Know that although true resolution is still a couple of weeks away, this week brings the promise, the reminder, that whatever that resolution will be, you can get past it unscathed.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

A transition is underway, as judged by all the emotional bullshyt that your constituents are hurling at you and at each other. But, negative or not, these outbursts are all passionate reactions to change. And even though people are arguing, yelling and throwing things at each other, you recognize a certain beauty about the scene. It’s like this transition has given you a slow motion filter, and you’re able to capture and savor every moment. Whatever the destination will be, you won’t forget these moments anytime soon.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Sexual innuendos aside, have you checked your oil lately? Vehicular shade is on the rise this week, and I just wanted to give you the heads up on the two kinds. The first kind is internal and it has everything to do with the upkeep of your auto baby: make sure she’s up to date! The second kind of vehicular shade is external and much more difficult to control. In fact, the only thing you can control about external vehicular shade is your reaction. Because the more you expect that b*tches in Range Rovers or Priuses will cut you off, the less your temper will rise.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

This week, it’s like all aspects of your life decided to call you at 2 AM to say, “I need help!” Although you live for any kind of shyt show, whether it’s some horrible drag performance or a funny remark your messed up friend emitted out of his ass, the kind that has to do with you, you can’t handle! But trust that your network of gays are available and more than happy to give you a helping hand (and some, a helping handjob), and it should be much easier for you to get through this week. Just don’t call them at 2 AM, unless you want them to put you on “BLOCK.”

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Between that powerful top who’s eager to explore your bottom and that workload of yours… something’s gotta give! And by the looks of it, that something is going to be your temper. And quite honestly, this release is something that we welcome, as lately, we’ve been wondering if you are capable of such emotion. You spend so much time taking care of us that you forget to take care of yourself and your needs. This week, voicing them out (and loudly so) will be your first step in getting a handle on things.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This week, a focus grows inside of you. It’s like the noises in your gayborhood have evaporated, and all you hear are birds chirping. This focus is the result of you finding your voice. You are finally able to make your mark in the world and the stars have aligned to make sure that mark f*cking stays. With this focus, you are able to minimize the chaos produced by your everyday constituents. With this voice, you are able to say, “Where’s my Starbucks?” with great conviction.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

P.S. I’m on Twitter, betch!

Text

Rated T for… T.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s time to reassess the group dynamic. A shuffle is in play and you may not want to hear the next song. You seek balance. For every misinformed frenemy exists another that has her shyt together. Listen to your gay innards. Don’t rely on the physical symmetry. Your gut will tell you who you’ll need when the crucial times come.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You may think that the trying times are coming again, but really, it’s because you’re coming off THAT way. Do not underestimate your power to influence your future. You may get another shyt show in the future, but it won’t be the same as the last one. Hone in on the parts that are f*cktabulous, and a new mindset will grow. If that doesn’t work, get some EX-LAX.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Get ready to play Tetris… with your life (::echo:: “life, life, life…”)! A merging is underway, and although it’s happening very slowly, once it’s in lock, it’s in lock forever, betch. Use all the time you have to shift aspects of your life: career, your manz, your gays, your fam into suitable positions before the merging shapes connect. It won’t be easy, but I have a feeling you’re destined for a HI-SCORE.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Recent changes in your life has forced you to act all serious because you feel all grown up and shyt.  I think that’s bull.  Honesty, the only way you can move past this current phase is to reach into yourself, and touch base with the child inside of you.  She’s annoying as hell, but her innocent way of viewing your current sitch will give you a fresher perspective on the bigger picture.  So put her in a Strawberry Shortcake dress, and let that betch out!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

We’ve all let you get all holed up with your menz.  We didn’t call you; we looked the other way when you were posting selfies of you and yo menz on Instagrams: we left yo ass alone.  But we call time on that shyt, Ms. Goat.  It’s time to be with your people and return to being a functioning member of society.  At the very least, you can dish on us about your current relaysh.  No worries, your menz ain’t going anywhere.  He probably needs a breather from you too!  

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Walking on eggshells: definitely not your style.  But everyone around you has been on f*cking edge lately, so I would step back, at least until the end of Tuesday.  When that b*tch Wednesday comes, it’s back to regular business hours.  And during regular business hours, you have no time for people acting like fools.  Like your grandma says, you should live and let live, but if they pee on your garden, you bettah hose off the muthaf**kers.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

A different approach is needed to tackle a certain person.  It’s not your usual way of doing things, but the reason there is a disconnect is because both of you are functioning on different planes.  From the looks of it, this person will not meet you at your plane, so you can try to get down/up to her level and approach her again.  Doing so will get her to notice you, no doubt, and although she may not necessarily bend to your will, she will respect your efforts.  And respect goes a long way these days.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Clutter is a b*tch.  Not only does it mess with your physical surroundings, it can also mess with your brain.  It’s quite contagious too, as clutter can influence the way you interact with your loved ones.  When clutter exists, it can tarnish your soul and scramble your vision.  And so everyone around you may not be getting your true essence and in turn, treat you like you’re a flake.  I think it’s clear what you have to do here.  Clean your shyt up.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You seem to have lost part of your foundation.  I can’t think of another reason why you’ve been a bit zigzaggy lately.  From mood swings to impulse buys, surely you can understand why everyone is having trouble keeping up with your hot trail.  The interesting thing is, you know exactly where that part of your foundation is located, so what’s up with the act?  Ask yourself if this deliberate attempt to make it seem like you’re on shaken ground is a cry for help.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You may want to hold off before you start broadcasting to your gays about your latest trip to The Pleasure Chest.  At least one of them has major news to impart, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but when you get started on the intricacies of what brand of poppers to get at the counter, there is no shutting your pie hole.  Would it make you feel better if I told you that your friend’s news can somehow benefit you?  That’s what I thought.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Hey Nancy Drew!  This week, you’re up to task for solving the case of your misguided hoohah.  I think you know that lately, a lot of what she says is total horsesh*t.  So how do you get to the bottom of this mystery?  I say tackle it old school.  Look for clues around her.  I’m pretty sure there are certain stimuli that gets her quivering, and certain ones that make her clamp the f*ck up.  Make a list.  Test different variables.  Form a hypotheis.  You’d be surprised at how the answer was right in front of you all along.  

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

WARNING: You may be OD-ing on a certain state of mind.  Symptoms include (1) your friends roll their eyes when you talk about your latest hobby; (2) your Instagram likes are beginning to dwindle; and (3) even you are tired of hearing the way you talk about said hobby.  The biggest challenge for you is to really feel the benefits of this new change, without any validation from anybody else.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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By the way, I’m on tw@tter. Follow my tw@ts. @horoscopesbygil


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s one week until the season premiere. The good news is, you finally have some down time! Time for you to reflect on the past couple of months (i.e. which b*tch in your posse didn’t last? Who did?) and also time to get used to the new swing of things. Because next week, the new hos on the block are moving in. You have very little time to figure out which part of this new land is your turf… until you have to start defending it. The final season is near.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

If you’re not used to being told whayoushobedoin, then don’t get a roommate! I swear if I get one more complaint from you, I will go nanchuckilicious on yo ass. Here’s the thing. Complaints can only get you so far. Once you’re at the point where you can do something to correct what you’re complaining about, it is up to you to take action. Easier said that done, right? Yeah for a non-confrontational procrastinator, it definitely is. Honey you may want all peace and quiet in your hizzy but that ain’t the reality. Huzzah!

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

This week is all about choices and repercussions. And I’m not talking about whether you should get poppers or keep sticking with the lube. I’m talking about actual life-changing decisions. If you were a WB show (I’m showing my age), there’ll be promos of you waiting on the subway platform with a wistful look on your face. Should you, or should you not? Your wistful look is real pretty, by the way. But I digress. There is no absolute perfect choice. I say weigh the repercussions of each choice. Pit them against each other. The lesser of two evils wins.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Although you stumbled at the gate, it was a cute little trip. From Tuesday and on, the world opens up in front of you like a close friend or your trick from a couple days ago (and gurl, you and I both know that sometimes, you have trouble keeping track). Trust that although it won’t be a complete smooth sail for a while, that your innards are telling you that you have what it takes, and also that you may want to ease up on the spicy foods. By this weekend, you should feel a little bit more confident with your new world.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

I may just start calling you Taskmaster Flex, because the way you lay down the groundwork for your new endeavor, puts the rest of us OCD b*tches to shame. You have stomped your foot and declared, “I’m the queen,” and whoever questions you will be subjected to your icy stare. It’s a bit dramatic, but this is exactly the kind of mode you need to be in because your plan for the rest of the year cannot stray, not even by a hair. It’s a f*cktastic plan, and once it’s revealed, we will all be left gagging.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

“This one’s on me,” you say as both your hands come in contact with the stripper pole. This week, you will be giving us quite the show. It will be an emotional journey, whether you are teasing us with your frontal assets, hypnotizing us with your leg acrobatics, or confusing us with the way you lick your lips. A lot of gifts have been bestowed upon you this past summer, and this dance is your way of giving back (a lot of back) to the community. Thanks, gurl!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Look, I get it. You’re a peaceful creature. You don’t like to make too many waves or cause any confrontations amongst your constituents. But when it comes to biznits, I suggest you take a much firmer approach. If you want people who work for you to do something for you, it’s not best to heehaw and “um” and “maybe you could” everything. Giving precise, specific instructions will garner you the respect that you deserve as leader. The ladeedah act will only cause people to be like, “how did this betch become my boss?”

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This is not the way you should be ending things. There are people and circumstances that have gotten you to where you are, and quite honestly, you are subconsciously turning your back on them. Do not let the future blind you into thinking that the present doesn’t matter. What you do right now matters. Things could still change, diva. And if they take a turn for the worse, those people who have helped you in the past might not be so forgiving.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This is the week that you’ll be calling out (with a big ass megaphone, mind you) anything that you’re feeling. To the outside party you will look like an overgrown child who’s throwing a temper tantrum, but to the rest of us who know you like the back of our favorite credit card, will say, “it’s about damn f*cking time.” You have pursed your lips for the past few months, always nodding and smiling, no matter how busted your posse’s antics are. But last week, a light switch inside you was turned on, and now you’re ready to bust out. May Goddess help us all.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your people are really getting antsy. You sense that there is a minor upset in the equilibrium of things. You know what you have to do, but you are being stopped by fears of financial ruin. Since when are you unwilling to take a risk? The past is past and there were some sh*tty times, but this is not the time to be losing faith in yo ass. Things are changing, ma’am, and this really should be the time when you’re trying to come up with the best way to capitalize on this change and make a comeback. Do not falter now, betch, or the wolves will eat you alive, ya heard?

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Ah yes. You have toiled and toiled the past couple of weeks, and now it’s time for you to let loose. And by loose, I mean a giant f*cking black hole. Consider this horoscope my press release to the other gays out there who are about to come in contact with you. Oh, they will be subjected to a lot of groping, slobbery kisses, and free drinks. Some may even feel the sting of your “I f*cking hate you” outbursts that come from nowhere. I’m not gonna lie. You’re gonna be a hot mess. By the time you’re done, the gayborhood will be turned upside down.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’re feeling pressure to change. It’s because people around you are f*cking pairing up, buying white picket fence f*cking houses, and going off on their own f*cking journeys. You may not show it, but in the back of your pretty li’l brain you are afraid of not being able to catch up. I think it’s okay to feel that way. I just don’t think that you should let it paralyze you. Everyone gets their own time to strut their stuff down the runway of life. You’re just at the back of the line. Because you’re the showstopper. The lasting image.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

Corn. Chowdah.


VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

On Monday, expect a different “thumbs up” from the one you’re used to. This one is more… of the physical contact variety. On Tuesday, don’t nobody mess with your pie chart unless they want to be ripped a new pie hole! Hump day is the day to eliminate your soul of useless cobwebs. Your hoo-hah could use a little bit of dusting as well. Thursday is the day to sit one of your gays down. She may not be too keen on the plan but you bettah make sure she doesn’t mess anything up for both of you. Finally, this weekend is the perfect time to film your music video at the beach.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s makeover week! And honey, the way to makeover your soul is by beautifying everything around you! From spritzing the homeless with CK Be (so 90’s!) to transforming your home into a page from Home & Garden, you will not stop until your eyes and tastes are satisfied. Busted hos will be running to you with all their questions about hair, make-up, clothing and shoes — and you will give them the answers they need without even a mask of annoyance. Expect your karma points to double by the end of the week.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

If you want to leak your sex “tape,” all you have to do is find the nearest SAGITTARIUS and open with, “this is not for public consumption, but…” then give him the flash drive with the file. Wait three minutes and voila! That file will be out faster than an awkward b*tch during dodgeball. But gurl, you know that once it’s out there, it’ll always be out there, especially if it’s the worst sex tape ever.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

New environment, new politics. This week will be all about your first attempts to break the ice with the new resident mean gurl. Whatever the result, will set the tone for the rest of your working relationship with this betch. Since you’re a newbie, I suggest that you woo the ho. She does know the whos and the whats of this new place, and although she has permanent side eye and has scales for a skin, she does want you to stick around, as long as you say out of her way.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

When something big is plopped on you on Monday, you can’t help but plan around it. And planning involves so much: you gotta measure it, take pictures of it, weigh it, rest your head on it… and gurl no worries. I am fully aware of the old adage, “know before you take it in.” On Wednesday, skip the meet and greet and get to the bottom of a shady operation. It’ll unnerve your constituents but once you have exposed the shade, you’ll be seen as a hero. On Sunday, watch the fruits of your labor fall on your face. Plop-plop-ploppity plop!

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Work has been soooo annoying lately. It’s definitely time to start planning a vacay. It’ll give you the surge you need to get you through the rest of the week. Wednesday isn’t the day to make a splash in your world ‘coz in doing so, you’ll be in competition with a lot of other queens. Just watch from the sidelines and jot down their weaknesses. They will come in handy one of these days. Don’t use Waze this weekend. She’s been such a nasty b*tch lately.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

On Monday, home is where the heart is, and whether home is your immediate sweetie or your pet turtle, you will be showing them nothing but love. Hump day signals a complete 180 when you start suspecting everyone of taking advantage of you. I swear, sometimes, you can be so bicoastal. No worries, your bad mood is merely an accidental bad setting. Just reach back and fiddle with the green switch. This weekend, a gay is in trouble, but when you ask her what’s wrong, she be clamming up on you. Go around her and find out what she’s not telling you, and that will lead you to the key to her salvation.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Starting Monday, your world turns into an ice skating rink, and you turn into a clumsy SAGITTARIUS. I’m not gonna lie. The next couple of days will be like this. Just stay close to the railing until the music stops on Wednesday. Thursday eases up on you, but you still have got to play it safe. You’re not the only one who will benefit from this. Once the light turns green this weekend, you can go back to your usual antics.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

For some people, the unstable can be stable. Although you’re not one of them, on Monday, you will be. It’s the expectation of the unexpected that will ground you, Mr. Bull. On Wednesday, expect some conflict to develop when your wife meets your work wife. Once you have appeased both parties (your wife takes priority, duh) the dust should settle on Thursday. The weekend may turn sour if you let a chip on your shoulder take over your attitude.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

That’s the thing about silent treatments. When you start it, you’re the only one who can really end it. But ending it will be very tricky, so you’ll need a third party to be advisor and liaison. The advisor part, not so pleasant, but the liaison part is the key to the prize. You’ll get an earful, but really absorb the magnitude of the read. And once she’s led you to your frenemy, it’ll be up to you to make amends.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Starting Monday, thanks to a jolt of super juice, you begin laying down the groundwork for your next reinvention. The process will invigorate you this upcoming season, but it’s not without its hardships. Not only are the people around you moving on with their lives (some may be leaving), there are also sacrifices that you have to make within you to make this change. Don’t take anything for granted. Allow yourself to be calculating at times; it will make you seem unfeeling like your heart is made out of stone but it really is just a grounding mechanism for all the warmth that exists inside of you.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Why are you talking like a weird person? It’s like you’re melding different kinds of British accents. Are you practicing for a role or are you just trying to annoy us? The outfits are a little strange as well. It’s okay to shop for cROSS-dress-for-less (believe me, it’s where I get my f*ck-me-pumps) but do you have to wear your clothes all at the same time? On top of each other? Here’s the sitch, dahling. Whatever phase you’re going through, rest assured, I will still judge you the same way I judge everybody else.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Text

::spilling my vodka martini:: Sh*t!


LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Monday is “Minion Delegation Day.” And gurl, you bettah make sure every single one of your gays has something to do. And by the way, it’s never too early to start campaigning for Prom Queen. In the past, your Prom Queen persona has been “calculating betch behind a warm, caring face,” but this year, everyone foams at the mouth when they hear “collaboration.” So don’t be just a beautiful queen. BE a beautiful queen who has an effective, yet gorgeous team (fire Stacey) behind her. Doing so will cement your place in the Prom Queen Hall of Fame.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Gurl, I know you’re used to dealing with stupid people, but this week, it’s like they multiplied. Apparently, in your vicinity, there’s some kind of Stupid People Factory that just keeps spitting out these busted bitches! While it’s not possible for this factory to shut down, you can view these hos as contributors to your exercise in patience. And hey, you can always make these idiots believe there’s an Idiot Convention somewhere they can go to #idiotcon2014. That should clear them out of your gayborhood.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This. Is. The. Week. Everything. Clicks. Clear out the dry erase, and make sure you have all your biggest issues at the top of the list, as starting Monday, your mental capacity will f*cking soar. Ooh, gurl. On Wednesday, I know you pride yourself in being a reserved little tw@t, but get ready for a surge of animalistic passion within you. All the flora and fauna have been alerted, hunty! They know to stay the f*ck away from the crossfire. And this weekend, as you’re forever the Queen of Balance, you will allow the stasis to set in as you look back at the shyt shows and highlights of the past week with great fondness.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Okay gurl, I’m gonna give it to you straight this week. Stop singing Sia in the shower, because only Sia can do Sia, lady! The walls are thin and they’re not gaining anymore of an appetite hearing you sing. And hunty, I’m doing you and our neighbors a favor with this T. And here’s the tip: Start with the Britney for a couple of days, and then move on to a nicely paced Rihanna vocal (translation: slow and lazy) and then you can attempt to Katy Perry it by the weekend. Doing the XTina riffs would not be recommended at this point. Save it for next week, cricket! P.S. Leave Celine alone. Don’t even look at her, don’t even think about her. Got it?

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

“Tweet, tweet, tweet.” All the little birds are singing in celebration of your existence. “Tweet, tweet, tweet,” as they gather up grass and twigs, intertwining them to make an earthy muthaf*cking goddess of a dress. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the crown is next, as they each contribute a part of their self-made nest to make you a crown. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the scepter is presented, made out of bamboo and sunflower seeds. “Tweet, tweet, tweet”: the birds play P.R. as they borrow your Twitter account, announcing to the masses of your red carpet appearance at Hollywood and Highland. Wake the f*ck up.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

The Invasion of the Individuality Snatchers has begun. Starting this Monday, it’s official: You have been absorbed into the cult called “We.” “We are going to the farmer’s market.” “We prefer staying at home on Friday nights.” “We don’t like this movie.” “We are going vegetarian.” “We are planning a trip to the Maldives.” “We have converted into Apple.” But no worries. I’m holding the “I” for you. And when you’re ready, please stop by my apartment to get it. Just don’t wait too long. Everything has an expiration date.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You do know the meaning of “ex,” right? Just in case you have forgotten, let me refresh your memory. EX means: (1) “he is no longer,” (2)“the mangina has closed,” (3)“no more awkward dinners at his controlling sister-in-law’s house,” (4) “’Walking on eggshells’ has officially expired,” (5) “an increase in awkward run-ins on Santa Monica Boulevard while you have a big scoop of gluten yogurt in your mouth,” (6) “sorry b*tch, I’ve changed the locks,” and (7) “that cock has sailed.” So why the f*ck is he in your living room, gnawing on your Pop Tarts?

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Work it! This week, you’re the hot gay newbie in WeHo. Expect lots of lingering enticing looks from the locals! And by locals, I don’t mean the ones that shuttle in from Valencia on the weekends. You bettah be forking over some dough for some wi-fi and 4G LTE, because your grindrjackedscruff app will erupt in volcanic proportions. But with great power, comes the possibility of waking up in the middle of the car wash on SMB and Palm. So find a balance between flaunting your shyt and watching your back. It’s only your first week.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Oh dear. I don’t think Instagram has ever been f*cked over this hard by you. She can’t even walk a straight line at this point. Did she enjoy it? If she did, she was probably faking it, sir. And you know she’d be telling all her friends, Sitonmyfacebook and Tw@tter the muthaeffin truth about her awkward tryst with you. What’s left to do? Leave her alone. Let her sort out the details and the reasons for this horrible hookup. Let her get through the soul searching, the karma questioning of it all. Let. Her. Be.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

The outfit dictates the man’s synergy with the universe. And on Monday, the universe will be staring at you, wondering, “What the f*ck?” Expect Tuesday to give up on your self-preservation antics, and when you run out of tampons, expect Wednesday to have a backup supply. Thursday will welcome you into his arms like you’re the prodigal gay, and Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be fighting over you with superfluous attempts to make you giggle like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Well if isn’t the return of the flaky betch. But you have a good reason, allegedly. You are currently working on an application for a very important financial transaction. And although you may not take your other transactions seriously (see Exhibit Gays), this one is very important. It’s so important that you can’t even blow the information in anyone’s ear. Rest assured, everyone of your gays is miffed by you. Time is your friend in this scenario. Once the pussycat’s out of your new Fendi and you’ve shoved free drinks in their holes, they will forgive you.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

I love it when you talk to yourself. First of all, it starts off nice and platonic, very “How’s your day / Oh it was fine, I switched to a new brand of tampons” type stuff. But all of a sudden, the deep rooted issues come out, and after a burst of shade, you’re giving yourself the silent treatment. And then by Thursday, it’s like nothing happened. You and yourself have absorbed the necessary pain, learned from it, maybe called up a fellow SCORPIO and let her baby sit some of the pain for you, and just like that, you continue to appear sane in front of your fagquaintances.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!