VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
On Monday, expect a different “thumbs up” from the one you’re used to. This one is more… of the physical contact variety. On Tuesday, don’t nobody mess with your pie chart unless they want to be ripped a new pie hole! Hump day is the day to eliminate your soul of useless cobwebs. Your hoo-hah could use a little bit of dusting as well. Thursday is the day to sit one of your gays down. She may not be too keen on the plan but you bettah make sure she doesn’t mess anything up for both of you. Finally, this weekend is the perfect time to film your music video at the beach.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
It’s makeover week! And honey, the way to makeover your soul is by beautifying everything around you! From spritzing the homeless with CK Be (so 90’s!) to transforming your home into a page from Home & Garden, you will not stop until your eyes and tastes are satisfied. Busted hos will be running to you with all their questions about hair, make-up, clothing and shoes — and you will give them the answers they need without even a mask of annoyance. Expect your karma points to double by the end of the week.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
If you want to leak your sex “tape,” all you have to do is find the nearest SAGITTARIUS and open with, “this is not for public consumption, but…” then give him the flash drive with the file. Wait three minutes and voila! That file will be out faster than an awkward b*tch during dodgeball. But gurl, you know that once it’s out there, it’ll always be out there, especially if it’s the worst sex tape ever.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
New environment, new politics. This week will be all about your first attempts to break the ice with the new resident mean gurl. Whatever the result, will set the tone for the rest of your working relationship with this betch. Since you’re a newbie, I suggest that you woo the ho. She does know the whos and the whats of this new place, and although she has permanent side eye and has scales for a skin, she does want you to stick around, as long as you say out of her way.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
When something big is plopped on you on Monday, you can’t help but plan around it. And planning involves so much: you gotta measure it, take pictures of it, weigh it, rest your head on it… and gurl no worries. I am fully aware of the old adage, “know before you take it in.” On Wednesday, skip the meet and greet and get to the bottom of a shady operation. It’ll unnerve your constituents but once you have exposed the shade, you’ll be seen as a hero. On Sunday, watch the fruits of your labor fall on your face. Plop-plop-ploppity plop!
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Work has been soooo annoying lately. It’s definitely time to start planning a vacay. It’ll give you the surge you need to get you through the rest of the week. Wednesday isn’t the day to make a splash in your world ‘coz in doing so, you’ll be in competition with a lot of other queens. Just watch from the sidelines and jot down their weaknesses. They will come in handy one of these days. Don’t use Waze this weekend. She’s been such a nasty b*tch lately.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
On Monday, home is where the heart is, and whether home is your immediate sweetie or your pet turtle, you will be showing them nothing but love. Hump day signals a complete 180 when you start suspecting everyone of taking advantage of you. I swear, sometimes, you can be so bicoastal. No worries, your bad mood is merely an accidental bad setting. Just reach back and fiddle with the green switch. This weekend, a gay is in trouble, but when you ask her what’s wrong, she be clamming up on you. Go around her and find out what she’s not telling you, and that will lead you to the key to her salvation.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Starting Monday, your world turns into an ice skating rink, and you turn into a clumsy SAGITTARIUS. I’m not gonna lie. The next couple of days will be like this. Just stay close to the railing until the music stops on Wednesday. Thursday eases up on you, but you still have got to play it safe. You’re not the only one who will benefit from this. Once the light turns green this weekend, you can go back to your usual antics.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
For some people, the unstable can be stable. Although you’re not one of them, on Monday, you will be. It’s the expectation of the unexpected that will ground you, Mr. Bull. On Wednesday, expect some conflict to develop when your wife meets your work wife. Once you have appeased both parties (your wife takes priority, duh) the dust should settle on Thursday. The weekend may turn sour if you let a chip on your shoulder take over your attitude.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
That’s the thing about silent treatments. When you start it, you’re the only one who can really end it. But ending it will be very tricky, so you’ll need a third party to be advisor and liaison. The advisor part, not so pleasant, but the liaison part is the key to the prize. You’ll get an earful, but really absorb the magnitude of the read. And once she’s led you to your frenemy, it’ll be up to you to make amends.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Starting Monday, thanks to a jolt of super juice, you begin laying down the groundwork for your next reinvention. The process will invigorate you this upcoming season, but it’s not without its hardships. Not only are the people around you moving on with their lives (some may be leaving), there are also sacrifices that you have to make within you to make this change. Don’t take anything for granted. Allow yourself to be calculating at times; it will make you seem unfeeling like your heart is made out of stone but it really is just a grounding mechanism for all the warmth that exists inside of you.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Why are you talking like a weird person? It’s like you’re melding different kinds of British accents. Are you practicing for a role or are you just trying to annoy us? The outfits are a little strange as well. It’s okay to shop for cROSS-dress-for-less (believe me, it’s where I get my f*ck-me-pumps) but do you have to wear your clothes all at the same time? On top of each other? Here’s the sitch, dahling. Whatever phase you’re going through, rest assured, I will still judge you the same way I judge everybody else.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!