Pull out that roll of Brawny, ‘coz this week’s issue is DRIPPING WITH SHADE
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Congrats! You survived rehab! But honey, give yourself Tuesday and Wednesday to adjust to your regular routine. Don’t rush that shyt! Some of your gays will be supportive, but some will throw shade in an attempt to put the spotlight on them. Such hos. By the weekend, you’ll be ready to throw a “I just got out of rehab” party!
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)
Congrats! You survived yourself. But hellur! There’s more where you came from. On Tuesday and Wednesday you’ll be serving severe Holier-Than-Thou Realness, and the rest of us will send that shyt back in the kitchen. I mean, really, you should be focusing all that shade into your career. By the weekend, the gays may be against you, but they will mutha-f**king respect chu.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22)
Congrats! You survived tax season! But you and I both know that you’re not really feeling self-congratulatory these days. Honey, I’ve done my best. It’s up to you now to really pull up that jock by the strap and really hunker down to figure out the root of your issues with the ocean. Are you ready to come for me yet? I think you are, but that ain’t the answer, my dear. I’m hoping by the weekend you will get over it. Because you’re fabulous.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Congrats! You survived listening to another b*tch’s story! But it ain’t over yet! This b*tch will be testing you on your knowledge of her herstory. And you’re not the only one being tested. If you play your cards right, you will win her over by the weekend. And she’s worth it.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Congrats! You survived after saying, “I’m sorry”! Compromise is the key, and I know to you that sounds like you’re sacrificing your b*tch layer, but not necessarily. Temptation wants to be DVRed on Wednesday, and really, you should just cancel that subscription. By Thursday and Friday, you will be back to your meddling ways, but honey, put that shyt into good use! By the weekend, you’ll be sprouting metallic angel wings that can embrace your constituents or slap them off the planet. Hokay!
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Congrats! You survived picking out an outfit without second guessing! Which means, you’re not really feeling well. Expect your core b*tches to pull you out of your self-sabotage on Wednesday and Thursday, and with great success. This newfound recharge will pull you through the rest of the week, ‘coz baby, work shade is ALWAYS around the corner.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Congrats! You survived after exercising trust! Or maybe you just don’t have the energy anymore to erect walls around your heart. Or maybe you’re finally saving your intense SCORPIO eyes on things that really matter, like, say, I don’t know, your future? I think that’s great, but expect distractions (i.e. love, friendship, etc…). One of them you can get rid of, and the other, you could use the shyt out of.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Congrats! You survived commitment! Let me guess, you made that stud agree to an open relationship for you to be on board. I’m shocked! But then again, you have a way with words, and by words, I mean, dicks. You’ll be exercising that new arrangement on Thursday, but get ready for the fallout on the weekend when you leave your commitment band (honey, your words, not mine) on a trick’s bed. #sorryboutit
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Congrats! You survived after making a joke! “Are you okay, do you need to lie down? I know it hurts at first, but… it was a good joke.” #buffy . Just a reminder, May sweeps is coming, so you better clear that DVR for all those season finales. Let’s see, the plumber is coming on Wednesday, the electrician on Thursday, and on Saturday, you’re scheduled to buy replacement electric toothbrush heads. Are you bored yet? I certainly am!
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Congrats! You survived after shedding your alien form! Now, sashay into your new universe. No really, sashay into your new universe! By Tuesday and Wednesday you’ll be sipping mai tais with the locals, and they don’t come cheap. Thursday you’ll be thinking, “oh that’s right, I need to work to make money!” but then somehow, you’ll forget, so much so that by Sunday, I’ll be slapping you so you can get a f*cking grip. ::sigh:: I only do it out of love.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Congrats! You survived after making analytical thought! After this process, what’s left of you will be absolutely cranky and irritable. But on Wednesday, helping out at a soup kitchen is your life force so you should be back to basics in no time. On Thursday you will find a golden flute to help you warp into world 8, so make sure you pack efficiently. On Friday, expect your dreamworld to be smashed like when that “She’s All That” betch was trying to demonstrate what your brain is like on drugs. Oh, and Sunday is pot luck night.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Congrats! You survived your mouth! With the “L-word” comes great responsibility! I’m talking Fire Island trips and dinners with other boring gay couples. Thursday’s a b*tch when a #tbt goes absolutely haywire. You bettah get that shyt sorted out by the weekend as you are throwing a party to reveal your new leading man.
(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)
For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!