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Pull out that roll of Brawny, ‘coz this week’s issue is DRIPPING WITH SHADE


TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Congrats! You survived rehab! But honey, give yourself Tuesday and Wednesday to adjust to your regular routine. Don’t rush that shyt! Some of your gays will be supportive, but some will throw shade in an attempt to put the spotlight on them. Such hos. By the weekend, you’ll be ready to throw a “I just got out of rehab” party!

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Congrats! You survived yourself. But hellur! There’s more where you came from. On Tuesday and Wednesday you’ll be serving severe Holier-Than-Thou Realness, and the rest of us will send that shyt back in the kitchen. I mean, really, you should be focusing all that shade into your career. By the weekend, the gays may be against you, but they will mutha-f**king respect chu.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Congrats! You survived tax season! But you and I both know that you’re not really feeling self-congratulatory these days. Honey, I’ve done my best. It’s up to you now to really pull up that jock by the strap and really hunker down to figure out the root of your issues with the ocean. Are you ready to come for me yet? I think you are, but that ain’t the answer, my dear. I’m hoping by the weekend you will get over it. Because you’re fabulous.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Congrats! You survived listening to another b*tch’s story! But it ain’t over yet! This b*tch will be testing you on your knowledge of her herstory. And you’re not the only one being tested. If you play your cards right, you will win her over by the weekend. And she’s worth it.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Congrats! You survived after saying, “I’m sorry”! Compromise is the key, and I know to you that sounds like you’re sacrificing your b*tch layer, but not necessarily. Temptation wants to be DVRed on Wednesday, and really, you should just cancel that subscription. By Thursday and Friday, you will be back to your meddling ways, but honey, put that shyt into good use! By the weekend, you’ll be sprouting metallic angel wings that can embrace your constituents or slap them off the planet. Hokay!

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Congrats! You survived picking out an outfit without second guessing! Which means, you’re not really feeling well. Expect your core b*tches to pull you out of your self-sabotage on Wednesday and Thursday, and with great success. This newfound recharge will pull you through the rest of the week, ‘coz baby, work shade is ALWAYS around the corner.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Congrats! You survived after exercising trust! Or maybe you just don’t have the energy anymore to erect walls around your heart. Or maybe you’re finally saving your intense SCORPIO eyes on things that really matter, like, say, I don’t know, your future? I think that’s great, but expect distractions (i.e. love, friendship, etc…). One of them you can get rid of, and the other, you could use the shyt out of.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Congrats! You survived commitment! Let me guess, you made that stud agree to an open relationship for you to be on board. I’m shocked! But then again, you have a way with words, and by words, I mean, dicks. You’ll be exercising that new arrangement on Thursday, but get ready for the fallout on the weekend when you leave your commitment band (honey, your words, not mine) on a trick’s bed. #sorryboutit

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Congrats! You survived after making a joke! “Are you okay, do you need to lie down? I know it hurts at first, but… it was a good joke.” #buffy . Just a reminder, May sweeps is coming, so you better clear that DVR for all those season finales. Let’s see, the plumber is coming on Wednesday, the electrician on Thursday, and on Saturday, you’re scheduled to buy replacement electric toothbrush heads. Are you bored yet? I certainly am!

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Congrats! You survived after shedding your alien form! Now, sashay into your new universe. No really, sashay into your new universe! By Tuesday and Wednesday you’ll be sipping mai tais with the locals, and they don’t come cheap. Thursday you’ll be thinking, “oh that’s right, I need to work to make money!” but then somehow, you’ll forget, so much so that by Sunday, I’ll be slapping you so you can get a f*cking grip. ::sigh:: I only do it out of love.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Congrats! You survived after making analytical thought! After this process, what’s left of you will be absolutely cranky and irritable. But on Wednesday, helping out at a soup kitchen is your life force so you should be back to basics in no time. On Thursday you will find a golden flute to help you warp into world 8, so make sure you pack efficiently. On Friday, expect your dreamworld to be smashed like when that “She’s All That” betch was trying to demonstrate what your brain is like on drugs. Oh, and Sunday is pot luck night.

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Congrats! You survived your mouth! With the “L-word” comes great responsibility! I’m talking Fire Island trips and dinners with other boring gay couples. Thursday’s a b*tch when a #tbt goes absolutely haywire. You bettah get that shyt sorted out by the weekend as you are throwing a party to reveal your new leading man.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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(I was so full of astrological shade that I was able to do an entire week in one sitting. Eat it!)


MONDAY, APRIL 14

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

There is more to his secret than meets the eye. You should really just stick to non-controversial b*tches.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’re pretty lethal with a cupcake and a megaphone.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your think tank’s filter could use a little maintenance.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Watch out for this one; she blow dries her hair in your dorm room during quiet hours.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

She spills more secrets when she’s all liquored up. #justasuggestion

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Sometimes you just need to pick up and drive off into the sunrise.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Complete the convertible look with a big red hat and a flowy scarf.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Hold on to your loins (tucked or untucked). Today, it’s every b*tch for herself.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You can’t just go willy-nilly on an orgy. Timing is everything!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Dayum. Someone stretched out your mouth this past weekend.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Saying hi to random strangers in WeHo is a fun little game I like to play. All those shocked “who are you to say hi to me” faces are priceless!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Sometimes the only way to get rid of old baggage is to throw it away without peeking into it.

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TUESDAY, APRIL 15

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

During this nth argument, you’ll actually have to clam up and listen. Take turns talking!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Your “me time” equals a big gulp, ho-hos and beef jerky.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your catatonic state can only be explained by one thing: You’re in deep thought.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your favorite hang out spot is closing! Gather the gays to save it.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A new sidekick can really change your outlook in life.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Pick a cute spot at the park. You and yourself need some heart-to-heart.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Your performance piece can make you the next “LIBRAce”. #iwentthere #puns

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The gayborhood hasn’t changed. The way you look at it has.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

It’s the call that will open up a crossover event. Hey, it can be good for ratings!

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Expect compliments to the chef when you start serving fish.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Having class isn’t enough. Get yourself to a museum and suck up some mutha-effin’ culture!

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

When PISCES 2.0 hits the streets, everyone will be gagging on this update.

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

I know your secret. You’ve been hunting at night.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t ever run away from Nostalgia. She’ll cuss a b*tch.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

HAH! Today you’ll be starting your “Help-A-Ho” Foundation.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’ve become one of those gays who always replies “maybe.” S that D.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

This bottom needs a closer look. Or thrust.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Your weakened state can only be explained by lack of shade.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Emergency business meeting at the diner! Make sure you ask for any business specials they might have. #romyandmichelle

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Your realness options are “Prissy Puss” or “Daring Dick”.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

When your subconscious is throwing you shade, it’s time to make some changes.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You know it’s bad when your backup dancers are demanding new choreography.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Your career, like your recent trick, has opened wide for you.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

The only time you want people to step all over your back is during a massage. Happy ending optional.

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THURSDAY, APRIL 17

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

This emotional rollercoaster can only mean one thing: May sweeps is coming.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

There is more to you than your caloric intake.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Progress Report (?): You’re resting on pretty. #ru

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

When a diva gives you a sampling of her mood swings, you’ll say “B*tch, Don’t F*cking Even.”

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

The trick is, and it’s a hot trick, your out-of-drag persona should be as captivating as your drag one.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

When you cross over a different genre, you’ll be right on schedule.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You need a great deal of substance. And I’m not talking about your nightly trips to Planet Dailies.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Black Hole Realness. You can suck anyone into your world.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Although you’re used to spontaneity, too much can take a toll on all that work that’s been done on your face.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ll need a wider aspect ratio to analyze this massive queen.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Yes. Showing actual emotion can be exhausting.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Your so-called flakiness is actually a strategy. Sneaky ho.

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WEEKEND EDITION, APRIL 18-20

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Branching out this weekend can be difficult if you don’t have a good foundation.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’re exhibiting CAPRICORN Realness: All ambition without the fun.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’ll need to create a decoy, as you are a target of a conniving b*tch.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

You’re gonna need to ice that jaw by Sunday, ‘cause it’s gonna be a busy weekend for you.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Your friends may find you a little difficult to put up with now that you’re obsessed with a man.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

WARNING: Shade Depletion at ninety percent.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Some divas run from ambiguity. Make your boundaries clear so the b*tch can choose to stay, or go.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

When Groupon gives you a refund in form of “Groupon Bucks”, you will lose your shyt.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sometimes a ho just needs to be appreciated. She did lie to the cops about your real HOccupation.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You have no patience for messy ass tricks.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Need new gays? Luckily for you, a new crop is headed your way on the Rainbow Road.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve got some spunk. And you have the goods to back it up.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Use this downtime in prepping for your next great adventure.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Nothing is as thrilling as sitting by the phone, waiting for the pizza delivery guy to call.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Your latest comedy act is called “Empty Theater.”

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Now that your “laryngitis” has been cleared, it’s time to come clean to your gays.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

A newbie will remind you of why you fell in love with your art in the first place.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Congratulations! But wait! The b*tch is in another castle.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Harness your shade. It’s hunting season.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The group dynamic has changed, now that you’re group leader.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Based on recent events, you will be too high to read this.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You know what you’re doing in the sex department, but you should probably update your references.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Bummer: You have to work this weekend. But by Sunday you’ll get a higher level of respect from your constituents.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

When your BFF gives you the cold shoulder because she got a man, you’ll smoke your other BFF.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Today’s realness: Crossing Guard Realness.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Bye, La-GONE-ja! #dragrace

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

You’re not evil, dahling! You’re WICKED. #ouat

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The sun is out and the guys are checking you out!

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Only you can karate-chop shade in half.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Closing your door will only increase the possibility of “b*tches be knockin’!”

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Once you stop getting cooped up in another b*tch’s life, your life can start.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The kind of friction you like is the one that happens in your bed.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Half-day. Surfbort.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

She be going “Mama” this and “HOKAY” that, and you be rolling your eyes.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

When she’s not trying to throw you under the bus, she actually makes for a great lunch buddy.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Don’t be cutting in on a f*cked up “When Harry Met Sally” situation.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You just thought of a comeback to yesterday’s shadery. Too late!

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Gloating can be bad for your pores in this weather.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Bad kitty!

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The fog rolling in can only mean one thing: Magic is here. And I’m not talking about that dog from the Old Navy commercials.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Somewhere, a stalker is getting started on his wall of you.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

It’s like finals all over again. The good thing is that it has an end date.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

FInally, you’re at the precipice of FIERCE.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll have to settle for planning your superiors’ social demise in your head.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Today, you’ll go from classic… to first class.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Practice your groans. Although you’ve been doing your best, there is one final test.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

There have been changes since you went away on vacay.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

No use interrupting a catty b*tch until she calms down.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

All the cards have been laid out. Should you stay? Or should you go?

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Be careful. You’re so used to having nice, expensive things that you may start to think that people can be “ownable.”

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

If they’re not gagging on your looks, they’ll be gagging on your brain.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

If the past isn’t holding up to the present, then you’ve got some work to do… in letting go.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Someone’s got themselves a huge dose of VIRGO.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

If you can’t bend, you can’t attend.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

When it comes to helping busted queens, there’s enough of you to go around.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

The runway has been set for an impromptu walk-off. And from the looks of it, I don’t need to ask you if you’re ready for battle.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

I hate to be trite, but some b*tches just want yo’ money.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Reorganizing your smartphone apps has never been more complicated.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Although the smoke has cleared, you’d best stick around for the aftermath.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Um so there’s these things called taxes that need to be filed by next week…

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Love is not all roses. There’s bickering and screaming too, huntie.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You focus too much on the tandem that you neglect the individual needs of each person.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

If you can’t follow my trail of bread, then forget it. I’ll just eat my damn bread.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

The softer side of this ho will leave you gagging for more.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Just because you’re ready to be datin’ doesn’t mean everyone else is.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Hey, queen! Calm and Collected called in sick for the day. #sorryboutit

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This new omen is too cuddly sounding for a message of doom.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Before you spill the T make sure we have wipes to mop it all up when you’re done.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Stop putting your balls in another man’s basket.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

If you’re gonna draw a line, do it with lipstick.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Life is like a new pair of shoes. You get used to it after a few blisters and calluses.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Out of all our supporters, you’re our favorite jock strap.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

Photo

: Astrological Shade in action

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

It’s Grindr Awards Season. Who will win “Trick of the Year”?

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

During a school trip to the museum, you must stay with the group. You really should get to know your classmates better so you can use this knowledge to your advantage.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Half the battle is finding out who should make the first move. (It’s you, gurl!)

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your new musical, “Moody Bitch”, has been nominated for ten Tonys!

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

It’s not that b*tches be tired of whining, it’s that they be tired of hearing the same ones.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve been pulling Damage Control Central all week! By Sunday you will want these hos to leave you alone.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

It’s the perfect weekend to take steps toward healing and repairing all your deep seated personal shyt.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Once you’ve saved the day, you will raise hell if you don’t get any sort of recognition.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

This new idea can propel you to stardom, and leave your jealous gays in the dust.

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

All of a sudden, this busted queen has got all her shyt together. Who is she f**king?

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Special Guest Star Alert! A crossover event is just what your heart needed.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Although obstacles lie ahead, I’ve been told that your dismount is unf*ckingbelieveable.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Feeling sluggish? You’re still doing better than everyone else.

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

When you can’t buy friendship, you’ll buy a flat screen.

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 21)

Whatever you do tonight, it bettah not be speed dating.

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CANCER (June 22 – July 22)

Your presence alone can make your trick open wide.

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LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Men you may not know, but shade? Shade, you know.

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VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Today you’ll be planning your “I’m over it” moment.

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LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You know a gay is a keeper if he can show you fun stuff to do outside of West Hollywood.

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SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

A slap in the face will only recharge yo ass.

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You be like, “shyyyt, betch, I need more time. Don’t be rushin’ me.”

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CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Your whining sure sounds like you want your diaper changed.

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AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

You picked the wrong day to go to the DMV. And gurl, picturing everyone naked will only make things worse.

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PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Once you connect with the perfect puzzle piece, you won’t need the other 98 to complete that pretty picture.

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(DISCLAIMER for all entries: This is all a shyt show!)

For more Horoscopes By Gil Hizon, click here, gurl!